Two Suns by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - An old man talks about the past, a life cut short, and what might have been different if he'd chosen the right path. 8 pages - pdf, format

Gotta say this one left me a bit bewildered.  One of those scripts I'll have to reread.

"Maybe it was sun dogs."

???

Hey Nick,

Thanks for reading. Sun dogs, as I understand it, is when, due to the amount of moisture in the air, an illusion occurs making the sun appear as three suns in the sky. I took liberties with the numbers.

Anyway, this short was something I wrote while rewriting a feature. We've gotten a lot of snow here in NY, I was feeling disjointed, and this short came about. Originally part 3 of a trilogy, I scrapped the idea as I felt this one could stand alone. It's certainly not my best, but I wanted to try more of a dialogue driven piece. I don't think it works really, and there are a few changes I probably could have made, but this is it.

Steve

Quoted from NickSedario Gotta say this one left me a bit bewildered.  One of those scripts I'll have to reread. "Maybe it was sun dogs." ???

A sun dog is an atmospheric phenomenon that creates bright spots of light in the sky on a luminous ring or halo on either side of the sun.

Hey Steven,

I really liked this. A sad story of what if. I can't leave you any notes since it's difficult writing on my phone but I'll get back to you tomorrow when I'm in front of my computer.

Take care,

Dirk

Quoted from SAC Hey Nick, Thanks for reading. Sun dogs, as I understand it, is when, due to the amount of moisture in the air, an illusion occurs making the sun appear as three suns in the sky. I took liberties with the numbers. Anyway, this short was something I wrote while rewriting a feature. We've gotten a lot of snow here in NY, I was feeling disjointed, and this short came about. Originally part 3 of a trilogy, I scrapped the idea as I felt this one could stand alone. It's certainly not my best, but I wanted to try more of a dialogue driven piece. I don't think it works really, and there are a few changes I probably could have made, but this is it. Steve

Ha.  Yeah I know a little something about feeling disjointed.  I.E. My Somalia micro-short series.  

Two Suns was an interesting read nonetheless.

Thanks, Dirk. Look forward to your comments.

Nick, I guess the rule of thumb here might be -- as writer's we always NEED to write...just not post. Not everyone will get whats in your heart.

Steve

Hey Steven,

Like I said earlier, I really enjoyed this. Just a bit confused on a couple things(maybe it's the blonde hair) but when Lloyd had the dream of the angel and the man in black, was he in a point in his life where he had just met Janice? Or going to meet her? I say that asking if maybe the angel in some way was Janice helping him towards a life with her and steering him away of bad decisions following the man in black. (Certain death). Also, nothing was mentioned of Kim after the accident, I'm assuming she was okay?

For a dialogue driven story it was good but I have to say Darnell saying the word "then" was starting to bug me a little. I'm curious to know why Lloyd would come right out and and tell Darnell about his dream. It felt a bit off to me. I understand they're just sitting there feeding pigeons when Lloyd begins his conversation but I think something would have prompted him to start telling Darnell out of nowhere about his dream he had. Maybe show the image of two suns at the start and Darnell is amazed by it. Or maybe have one pigeon black and another white to help remember his dream about the angel and man in black, thus starting the conversation with Darnell. Hope that makes sense to you.

It was heart warming and sad at the same time but you did a nice job with the execution of it. Nicely done! You mention above this was part of a trilogy. I would love to read the two other parts and see how this fits in with them.

- Dirk

I was partly confused as well. Did Kim also die? (Hence, the two pathways?)

I had it in my head that the wreck injured both Kim and his wife, and he (for whatever reason) could only save one of them. Car fire perhaps. And in the dream the angel is forcing him to choose again. But that's a whole other story now.   

Anyway, I liked it. Felt the dialogue spot on for the most part.

I liked this.  Not much else to say.  Good job!


--Steve

Hey Steve

Owe you a read...

I gotta say I enjoyed this one, the dialogue flowed very well, didn't sound static at all.

I was slightly confused as to why he had to choose a path, was the path's indicating the option of taking his wife off life support? If he could do it all again.

Overall, the story had a nice sentiment to it and pretty low budget as far as filming goes.

Good job

Mark

Dirk,

No, Lloyd had not met Janice at that point.  It's not made clear because I didn't really think it mattered much.  Yes, Kim is okay.  Again, I didn't think it mattered much at that point.  The two path represent the safer choices in life.  Lloyd took neither, he went out on his own and had to deal with the results, which were less than good.

I understand the dream comes out of the blue.  I was following the old rule of thumb "get in late, get out early."  There actually was a build up of dialogue that led to the dream, but I scrapped it.

Yes, there is a part 2 already in the can but I thought twice about posting it as I didn't want to flood the boards, and I wasn't sure if it was necessary.  So far this has gotten decent feedback, so I might post the other one at some point, in which the dream is explored more in detail.  If you want I can e-mail it to you.  Let me know.

Matt,

Thanks for the read.  The wreck, I'm sure, injured everyone, but only Janice didn't make it.  Like I said, it wasn't essential to the story to go into detail about Kim, so I left it out, as Janice and Lloyd's decision are the focal point here.

Steve,

Thanks.  Glad you liked it.

Mark,

Well, the paths were the safe bet.  Perhaps Janice might have lived had he chosen one of the two paths, but he didn't.  That was really the point here.  I'm glad that you enjoyed it, bro.

Two suns, two paths, two old men talking...all deliberate.

Don't know if anyone caught the Pink Floyd reference here.  It's pretty obvious if you're familiar with The Final Cut and the song Two Suns In The Sunset.  During the crash, the brakes locked, they slid towards a truck, Kim screamed -- all taken from that song's lyrics.  However, the subject matter of this short bears no resemblance to that of the song.

Anyway, thanks for reading.  If I can return any reads for anyone, please feel free to PM me.

Steve

Solid for what it is. Can't really say much that doesn't come directly from personal taste.

That said, I think it makes sense that someone would wonder whether or not Kim made it out okay. It's not clear and it IS important. If you think it's necessary to include Lloyd's daughter in  a violent car crash, I'd say it's necessary to point out that she survived. Otherwise, I'd remove her character entirely.

Other than that, not bad.

I'm finding it hard to figure this one out. What is the significance of having a dream at 17 or 18, and making a choice (or not) that impacts something in his 50's? Not sure of the relationship there. Shouldn't the dream happen during the accident for this to make sense?

Hi Steve,

That was a sad tale, it made me emotional. I liked the dialogue for the most part although there were parts were it was on the nose. The imagery came across really well with your descriptions. The horn honking that is not a car horn, I like the way you wrote that, it let me know what was going on but not in a normal standard way. Your script is littered with little touches like this which make it stand out.

I just don’t get the end or the parallel you try to get across with the Angel and the two paths. It seems to me Lloyd didn’t have any such symbolic crossroads in his life. The car journey and the accident was just that; an accident. It seems to me he couldn’t have done anything different.

I’ve no idea what sun dogs are though.

James,

Okay, I'll buy that it may be important.  Another instance where I stared at this (but not too long) wondering whether I should include that.  My choice came from the fact that Kim was thrown in the back seat at the last minute cuz it just fit in well with where I was going with this, and it makes the crash look a little more significant if there's more at stake here.  But I can see why one would wonder about her.  Seeing as Lloyd only spoke about Janice with Darnell, I guess I was just letting the reader assume she was okay.  If she wasn't I think Darnell or Lloyd might have mentioned her, and then the script become 9 or 10 pages.

Dustin,

Hey, man.  No significance really, but it seemed like a good starting off point --17 or 18.  Just starting his lifes journey, so to speak.  You might call it cautionary, the dream.  Him not choosing a path comes back to bite him.  And the dream has no direct link to the crash or Lloyd's decision.  It's basically a warning.  

Mark,

You're right.  The car journey was an accident.  However, a lot of us will relate particular
events directly to something like a dream or a gut feeling and try to find some sort of parallel relationship to it.  In Lloyd's case he spoke of having "no regrets," so apparently he was comfortable with his decision not to choose one of the two paths, but rather take an alternate route.

Thanks for reading, guys!

Steve