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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Surrender - Filmed and produced again Moderators: bert
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  Author    Surrender - Filmed and produced again  (currently 5060 views)
Don
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Surrender by Mark Renshaw - Short, Drama - An addict struggles with reality while trying to live a normal life, but what little control he has left starts to slip away. 9 pages - pdf, format

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(click the image to take you to the full version)


Read the rest at HyperEpics.com






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Surrender (short, drama, 9 pages in pdf format) by Mark Renshaw

An addict struggles with reality while trying to live a normal life, but what little control he has left starts to slip away.


Surrender from Saga Flight on Vimeo.



Mark writes, [Surrender] which started life on Simply Scripts has been produced. [P]osted back in 2014, It has changed  considerably since that draft as you can imagine!

Like No More Tomorrows, I ended up self-financing & producing this one myself. It had a lot more visual FX and my resources are limited, therefore it's been a mega long post-production. As it was, Al [Lougher] the director of So Dark ended up doing most of the FX for me in his spare time, for which I am extremely grateful.


Here's the link to the full short on Vimeo and YouTube.  Please check out and LIKE the official FB page at facebook.com/surrendershortmovie and check out the official site at: DrinksOrDemons.com


Discuss this script on the Discussion Board




Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 14th, 2019, 8:28pm
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StevenClark
Posted: February 17th, 2014, 6:16am Report to Moderator
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Mark,

Interesting story here. I read one recently, think it was from Marcello, that reminded me a bit of this. Only his character was dead, but he had the same " what's happening here?" premise that you have.

I like it. I like it when a character goes around his normal life, everything's different, fear and confusion set in, then panic. It instantly gives sympathy for your protag, and makes you pull for them.

I really liked the chain of people at the bridge--the lifeline, if you will. The visuals were good, the story went by pretty quick. But much like your last short, you need to clean up your typos, and your action blocks can be trimmed down some, giving us only what is absolutely necessary for us to read to get your point. It reads kinda like prose, and too much so at times when you need to be in the present tense--"He roars in rage, flinging the bottle" can easily be--"He roars in rage. Flings the bottle. " Thats not just a nitpick because you do things like that throughout. This can definitely be tightened up, and once it is can be turned into a very good piece.

Does he go back to this office twice to swipe the card? It might be unnecessary. He's already been there, yes? Slows down the read, but I know where you were going with the red light.

Also, your ending didnt work for me as I've never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous doing bedside visits. Perhaps he should just wake up with his wife next to him, thankful to be alive and away from the terrible nightmare he'd just had. Then have him at an AA meeting or something. Just a thought.

Anyway, not bad, had a good flow to it. It kept me turning the pages, which says a lot for your story.

Steve


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: February 17th, 2014, 9:18am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,

My typos and tense issues are terrible bad habits I've picked up. I really need to work hard to eliminate them, thanks for this feedback.

I'm glad you liked the script, I was worried it was too symbolic and wouldn't make any sense.

But yes, the AA do bedside visits and have done so ever since they started in the 1930's.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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bert
Posted: February 20th, 2014, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Your opening slug is an odd one.  It seems enough to say Bedroom, and you can go ahead and identify Dave in your description.  It is confusing the way you have done it -- as if Man and Dave are separate characters.

But then, the whole story is a bit disorienting, and this is clearly by design.  You have selected a unique path to chronicle the downward spiral of addiction, almost reminiscent of Alice's adventures in Wonderland, and most of this works quite well.  I really like his magic bottle that makes everything alright -- until it doesn't.  Nice.

I am not sure how I feel about the rhyming at the end, however.  It's not that it is bad, really, and it is true to the rabbit-hole tone that you have established -- but at this point I wonder if your script does not demand a shift in tone.

If Dave is returning to the real world, things are going to be different now -- and somehow this whole rhyming segment seems far too whimsical for the journey ahead. I get the feeling you are trying to craft a serious work here, and the current conclusion seems to almost undermine that goal.

But those are just my thoughts, and I could certainly be mistaken.  Would not be the first time.  You have taken on a challenging subject, and your approach was fresh enough to pull me through to the conclusion.  On the whole, I think it's a good, clever piece.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: February 21st, 2014, 3:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
Your opening slug is an odd one.  It seems enough to say Bedroom, and you can go ahead and identify Dave in your description.  It is confusing the way you have done it -- as if Man and Dave are separate characters.

But then, the whole story is a bit disorienting, and this is clearly by design.  You have selected a unique path to chronicle the downward spiral of addiction, almost reminiscent of Alice's adventures in Wonderland, and most of this works quite well.  I really like his magic bottle that makes everything alright -- until it doesn't.  Nice.

I am not sure how I feel about the rhyming at the end, however.  It's not that it is bad, really, and it is true to the rabbit-hole tone that you have established -- but at this point I wonder if your script does not demand a shift in tone.

If Dave is returning to the real world, things are going to be different now -- and somehow this whole rhyming segment seems far too whimsical for the journey ahead. I get the feeling you are trying to craft a serious work here, and the current conclusion seems to almost undermine that goal.

But those are just my thoughts, and I could certainly be mistaken.  Would not be the first time.  You have taken on a challenging subject, and your approach was fresh enough to pull me through to the conclusion.  On the whole, I think it's a good, clever piece.


Thanks Bert. I struggled a lot with this. For a short it's been more demanding to write than longer 'shorts'.

The opening with the MAN and then DAVE I picked up from some script format websites which suggested if we couldn't see the character clearly then you couldn't introduce him until you do. As Dave's in bed with his arm covering his face I chose MAN until he falls out of bed but I admit it doesn't read very well does it.

The ending took me forever, I too feel the ryming at the end feels a bit off and something different is required but I don't know what to do to resolve this.

Any ideas from anyone would be really appreciated.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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StevenClark
Posted: February 21st, 2014, 6:18am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

About your ending, I would be inclined to leave it off with Emily's story. Just have her begin, and then trail off like...  --like that. But I see Dave is crying, so you better make the few lines Emily says powerful and heartfelt, maybe even a tad shocking.

Also noticed this, bottom pg 7:  Emily and Steve are stood before him. This could easily be Emily and Steve stand before him. It just sounds better, feels less awkward than what you have.

Then right above that:  Sat next to the bed looking tired and worried is Julie.  This should read something like this...A worried Julie sits next to the bed, rubs her face. It trims the sentence, and also eliminates the ing word

Okay, maybe not the best example, but you see what I mean. Your work has a lot of things like that, I noticed. You just need to play with things a little, find what sounds awkward and change it. It'll cut down your page count, and make the read a bit more easier on the eye.

Good luck on your ending, Mark. If you need a further set of eyes just PM me.

Steve


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James McClung
Posted: February 21st, 2014, 11:50pm Report to Moderator
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Not a bad idea. I liked the abstract nature of it all and yet it was fairly clear what you were going for.

With the exception of the V.O. rhymes, I think you could do away with a lot of the dialogue. It seemed like it was just there to break up the action. Little of the content seemed particularly important; just a lot of Dave talking to himself.

I'd tweak the opening so as to introduce Dave as Dave and not the MAN, a character title I'm increasingly less fond of every time I see it appear. Also, on pg. 7, you refer to Julie as Jenny.

Not a fan of the ending. I felt overblown, melodramatic, kind of a mindfuck, and most of all kind of killed all the subtext you've developed throughout the script by bringing it into the open and making it blatantly obvious. I think introducing these new characters could work as well as having Dave in the hospital bed but I'd work on the dialogue. It really beats the reader over the head with its message.

Not a bad effort overall. Hope this helps.


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Dustin
Posted: February 22nd, 2014, 1:49am Report to Moderator
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I liked it. I didn't like the ending either... maybe because of the rhyme... not the rhyme exactly... for me it was when you mentioned the 'rhyming monster' thing. I swallowed the actual rhyme part just fine though.

Aside from that, a nice story.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: February 24th, 2014, 6:34am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

I'm not much interested in loglines, but if they're important to you, I would change this one here. The first part feels just repetitive and contradictory as well; the second part you don't describe what kind of control this is, and why/how it slips away. We don't even know which addiction it's all about.

What I mean. When I look inside what you've written in the logline, and what I can surely take out of it, I need 5 words. "A man fights his addiction."
If you don't want to give us more precise points of identification, you can write it short in opposite to a long empty phrase.

Okay coming to your work:

"he whistles in admiration"
contrary to the impression I have, this feels buoyant and in opposite to his VO, also that he goes Zero to 100 after something like a hangover, from whatever, you explained before (also too playful at all for a 30 year old to whistle at a girls picture for himself).


Okay some pages along and I feel bottles of alcohol can appear anywhere and I appreciate and enjoy these metaphorical surreal aspects.

How you treat these teleportation or better said mixed-up worlds of an addict mirrors the character of alcoholism. I did something more vague than you did here with cigarettes, but alcohol is a great subject to go with like that.

Okay, one point: The ending isn't for me. I liked the whole story "out of the execution of the ending". The poem feels artificial and non-organic. I think you maybe wanted to romanticize the end. Romanticize our life and chances: say that it's only over when it's over and we need to fight back into life when we got problems. THE CHOICE IS GREAT.

Do it just different. You can. Dave's not a poet for me. Search the other way of romanticize his decision to comeback and fight again. It must be there anywhere.

Meaningful work Mark. Very sensitive and courageous presented.

A small add:
I think you could cut some of the action scenes. It gives too much of an Impression you go for entertainment. I feel more I'm in a studying position here. So there's a Point when it's all been shown and felt a bit overloaded with action...




In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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MarkRenshaw
Posted: February 24th, 2014, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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Great feedback all, thanks for the reads. A second draft is up now.

I've cut the dialogue where it's just Dave on his own. I agree it's there to just break up the action and doesn't really work. Without it, there's more atmosphere I feel.

I've tidyed up and reworded some of the action as per the various suggestions.

The ending and the VO seems to split people on here and others I have shown. Some like the poetry some don't, but all agree it seemed disjointed at the end.  

I've stuck with the VO poem theme but made it a complete poem rather than breaking it up and going into a normal VO like I did before. If this doesn't work I could go with Emily saying something along the same lines, something profound which breaks Dave out of his fixation with the bottle - but to be honest I'm really happy how it is now. Time to move onto something new

I've also added the bottle in the 'real world' briefly to serve as a reminder of temptation and a bridge from addiction to the beginnings of recovery.

Thanks again everyone. Especially you (and you know who you are!)


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Wes
Posted: April 28th, 2014, 9:18am Report to Moderator
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Hello. I'm new here and just learning the ropes. But, if I may . . .
I like the way the piece opens rather comically - a nipple tassel, a picture of a blond woman he doesn’t recognize. It’s disarming. Gives me an affinity for the character before I learn how tragic he is.
There are places where you tell us what’s happening instead of showing us. For example, “It stinks. He winces in disgust”. Why not, “He sniffs. He winces in disgust”?
I get the whole Alice down the rabbit-hole analogy but I do feel that all of Dave’s V.O.s being in rhyme is a bit over the top. As harsh as his reality becomes,  it’s not quite fitting for me.



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stevemiles
Posted: April 28th, 2014, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Mark,

haven’t read any other posts so apologies if I’m repeating stuff.

Thought this carried a nice message of support.  Felt a bit like a substance awareness campaign advert; though I appreciate the subtle approach to the subject and lack of dialogue.  If it weren’t for the multiple locations and all those extras I’d think it wouldn’t be too hard to pull off.

That said I wasn’t quite feeling all the dialogue at the end and I wonder if elements of the hospital scene could be condensed into the bridge scene?

I liked the simplicity of Emily’s first line of dialogue, though the stuff about the ‘eyes’ seemed to hammer on a point that had already been made -- detracting from what was a good visual with the human chain.

That and Dave’s line about the ‘...monster who lives in my head etc.’ perhaps if that was used to tie back into Dave’s V.O at the beginning?  Keep the V.O. to a simple idea...

Writing wise there’s a few minor typos -- nothing a close read can’t fix.

A little unnecessary description here and there.  Does it really matter that Dave covers his face with his arm’?  Or how he walks?  Just little things like that to look out for.  Unless they’re crucial to the story they can be omitted in favour of flow.

I’d also suggest clueing the reader in to the fact that the room he wakes up in is not his own.  The picture/underwear weren’t quite enough IMO.

All the best.  

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Don
Posted: August 3rd, 2016, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Surrender (short, drama, 9 pages in pdf format) by Mark Renshaw

An addict struggles with reality while trying to live a normal life, but what little control he has left starts to slip away.


Surrender from Saga Flight on Vimeo.



Mark writes, [Surrender] which started life on Simply Scripts has been produced. [P]osted back in 2014, It has changed  considerably since that draft as you can imagine!

Like No More Tomorrows, I ended up self-financing & producing this one myself. It had a lot more visual FX and my resources are limited, therefore it's been a mega long post-production. As it was, Al [Lougher] the director of So Dark ended up doing most of the FX for me in his spare time, for which I am extremely grateful.


Here's the link to the full short on Vimeo and YouTube.  Please check out and LIKE the official FB page at facebook.com/surrendershortmovie and check out the official site at: DrinksOrDemons.com


Discuss this script on the Discussion Board



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Warren
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Congrats, they did a great job.


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Dustin
Posted: August 4th, 2016, 4:23am Report to Moderator
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Well done for producing another film, mate. I'll watch it later when I have some more time. You going to be entering it into any festivals?


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