When the Time Comes by J.D. Cornett - Short, Horror - During the apocalypse, a man must leave the sanctity of his home to fulfill his wife's dying wish. 10 pages - pdf, format

J.D.,

"It’s unclear if any of it belong to him." -- This is just.... odd.

"with a possible PIECE OF BRAIN hanging from one." -- This too.

Pretty much saw the whole thing coming, wasn't too bad I guess.

My favorite lines were when Gerald goes outside.

"It’s dark out but there’s a strange feeling that it might
not be nighttime. Almost as if something is blocking the
sun.

The sky glows in the distance as if countless structures are
burning far away. What looks like snow, but could be ash
gently falls all around.

It feels like the apocalypse."

Just remove the last action line, since you got the idea across very well in the previous two.

Overall the writing was pretty good. It needs to be polished, however.

-J.S.

J.S. picked up on the same things I was going to. Some lines were a bit sloppy, nothing that couldn't be fixed with a polish though.

At first it bothered me... Why was her knitting needles in the shed? But then you answered that quite well. Well, I think the suggestion was that she lost the baby, thus her things were out there? Out of sight out of mind... I dunno.

Another thing I liked, was the fact that you didn't overtly use the word Zombie at all. It was an obvious thing so it didn't need to be stated.

That said, it wasn't really scary (in my opinion) and dare I say, quite predictable. Well-written but nothing stands out too much unfortunately.

-- Steve

I had some of the reactions as the above, but I also have a compliment.

When I got to the part about going out to the shed, I thought, "Wait a minute, this has already been filmed. I've SEEN this." As I read on, I realized it was familiar not because I'd seen it but because I read this script several months ago.

So what's the compliment? I remembered your story as film, not words on the page. I call that success.

This man did not record Jeopardy just to feel smart all by himself. Smh... I swear I've seen that before though, lol. I may have already read this script somewhere else.

If there is something blocking the sun, I think it should be said. If not, we would assume it was night. Just have your protag look in the sky or something.

page 6 - He raises the raises the needle

Great visuals. Excellent suspense. I was genuinely scared the protags life. I did wish there was something we haven't seen in a zombie film. I feel as though everyone of those scenes have been made arleady one way or the other.  

But that wouldn't stop me from watching it.