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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Blood Job Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Blood Job  (currently 1289 views)
Don
Posted: March 2nd, 2014, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Blood Job by Ronald Fordham - Short, Horror - One-location raunchy horror short about a sex-hungry young man who hooks up with a mysterious woman he met online. 8 pages - pdf, format


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rendevous
Posted: March 2nd, 2014, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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This is awkwardly written. Avoid using these words when you can think of something better - walk, look, smile.

There's an awful lot of them in this script. Way too many.

I got to page five before I scanned to the end. It was far too much of a struggle.

You might have an idea here - the vulnerability of the male while he's being,  erm... Lewinskied. Is that a verb yet?

But the ending falls flat. The dialogue also lets this down. There's probably a good script to be had from this.

R


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rendevous  -  March 3rd, 2014, 12:09am
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NI-Gunner
Posted: March 3rd, 2014, 12:28am Report to Moderator
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Rendevous is right. There is a good script to be had from this but the dialogue lets it down tremendously.


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Guest
Posted: March 3rd, 2014, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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Hahaha, this one is great.  

Dialogue could use some touching up, but overall I didn't mind it.  For some reason I think it works.  It's funny and creepy and weird.

This whole thing would be so easy to shoot.  That ending had me in stitches.

You could probably do so much more with this if you sat down and did a couple more rewrites.


--Steve
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 3rd, 2014, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Ronald, I don't mean to be harsh, but in all honesty, the writing on display here comes across like this is a big old pisser, and purposely written as poorly as possible.

The number of mistakes and crazily awkward writing is shocking.

The amount of crazy, pisser-like unfilmables and asides are also shocking.

Biggest problem is that the reveal is far from shocking and 100% expected based on the title alone.  And, let's understand that the body of this is all heavily travelled territory and there's nothing remotely new or unique here.

If you or anyone else honestly doesn't know what's so wrong with the writing here, let me know and I'll point a few things out that you'll see over and over again throughout your script.

Read and comment on other scripts and you'll see what a great site SS can be.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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dogglebe
Posted: March 3rd, 2014, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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This script fell very flat for me.  I don't know if you were trying for any level of erotica, but it just didn't happen.  The horror elements were also a little thin.  You quickly showed the bathroom and then the 'shocking' ending, which had very little impact on me.

Try stretching this story out a little.  Give us something to think about as we read it.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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