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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Sher Singh Moderators: bert
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  Author    Sher Singh  (currently 1391 views)
Don
Posted: March 26th, 2014, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sher Singh by Kamal Krishan - Drama, Fantasy, Children - What Sher Singh, a boy of 10 from a village in middle Himalayas, pines for is the mother who had abandoned him soon after birth, so much so that the future of his being rests on it. 112 pages - pdf, format


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ShaunPatrick
Posted: July 20th, 2014, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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Hello Kamal

I read the first 20 pages of your script and would like to make a few suggestions/comments.

The characters I met in my short read seemed like they could develop into something interesting. I liked the pelican and the flamingo. I also liked the boy and the father who discovered the baby. These certainly felt like characters that an audience could easily warm to.

I believe you have some elements to an engaging story - an abandoned baby, a dead movie star, the media interest, the talking animals, the colourful asian backdrop.

However I think a lot of the story/narrative is lost in the quality of your writing. I assume English is not your first language. This makes reading your work quite challenging - a reader will always be very sensitive to errors in your grammar and use of language. These severely interrupt the flow of your story.

I have given a few examples of problematic dialogue/description below:

INT. STAR STUDY - NIGHT

RAJIV KUMAR is a stern film star of old. In his 70s. He looks
very rigid, hard to please kind of a bloke. Looks highly
opinionated. His study is crowded with the mantle pieces of
movies related awards of all kinds. Jubilee mementos,
photographs with well known personalities of every hue from
his era.

INT. STAR STUDY - NIGHT

RAJIV KUMAR, 70s, cantankerous demeanour, a faded movie star from years gone by.
Room littered with mementos from his past: awards and photos taken with more forgotten celebrities.

INT. TV STUDIO OFFICE - LATER

On the well, a large flat screen runs the news feed from a
channel. A young editor appears. Her BOSS sitting behind the
table, looks up.

INT. TV STUDIO OFFICE - LATER

A large wall mounted flat screen TV displays a news feed.
A young EDITOR enters. Her boss looks up from behind a desk.

NEWS READER 1
In another news, the actress of old
Meera Kumari, Known for her role in
the movie Albeli, has died alone in
her apartment. She was discovered
by her housemaid. She was a
reclusive and lived her
last years in comparative poverty
and loneliness. She was suffering
from long and protracted illness.
She was only 43.

NEWS READER 1
In another news story, the actress
Meera Kumari, best known for her role in
the movie Albeli, has died at the age
of 43. The reclusive star who lived alone
and in relative poverty was discovered at
her apartment by her housemaid after
suffering from a long illness.

INT. APARTMENT LIFT - CONTINUOUS

The maid climbs up. The lift stops. She opens it gets out and
walks the corridor, away from us.

INT. APARTMENT LIFT - CONTINUOUS

The lift stops. Doors open. Maid exits
and disappears along a corridor.


EXT. VARSOVA ROAD - LATER

We are looking at it from some height. The place is beginning
to stir. People are waiting for a local bus at a stop. People
are returning from their morning strolls. CAFE COFFEE DAY is
not yet open. a BEST bus stops at a stop, spits some and
gorges some and is on its way again. The MAID from the bus
crosses the road and enters through the gate of an Apartment.
We look up, just in time to see the Flamingo and the Pelican
flying in and settling on a window ledge a short distance
away which is clearly not wide enough for two large birds.

EXT. VARSOVA ROAD - LATER

Birdseye view. The place begins to stir.
PEOPLE queue at a bus stop. More PEOPLE
mill around the street. A COFFEE shop remains
closed. A bus arrives at the bus stop. PASSENGERS
get on and off. Amongst them a MAID steps off
the bus and crosses the road. She enters gate to
an apartment block. Above the street the Flamingo and
Pelican fly down and settle on a narrow window ledge.


Unfortunately I was unable to continue beyond page 20, I'm sure there is a great story in there but you need to improve your English in order to really do it justice.

Kind regards.

Shaun
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