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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  Immersion Therapy - OWC
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  Author    Immersion Therapy - OWC  (currently 3721 views)
Don
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 7:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Immersion Therapy by Elijah - Short, Shark - Dr. T's training is put to the test on the final day of aquaphobia desensitization class when his group therapy patients finds their phobia compounded by an immanent and genuine water hazard. - pdf, format


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Ann looks left and right, left then right, tip-toe looks to
the right, then to the left.


Wanna run that by me again? But in any vase...the short is actually well done. It got a bit much when some characters SHOUT IN ALL CAPS and obe death (Pete) feels over the top when it doesn't need to be.

I liked the writing of this for the most part. I'll go on a limb and say it's done by one of the seasoined SS'rs. It's one of the best so far. I'll remember it in voting later in the week.

Cheers.

Oh- FADE IN at the beginning please.


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CameronD
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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Who's on first? Where 's second base? Who? In the first scene all the characters repeatedly name drop again and again and again. Instead of clarifying it just makes things more confusing as to what is going on and by who. Fix that right away. Very jarring.

The cell phone bit. If my friends' phone rings I know it's his and not mine. Having everybody check is a cliché. Maybe have your biggest dolt head check instead. Build his character a little? In a short like this I think most everything your characters do or say needs to build character. You don't have the luxury of space to do anything but. This opening scene is just exposition. Which is needed but could be done better. Have a way to show right off the bat they are afraid of the water instead of talking about it so much?

The shark attack happens out of the blue. First, I am glad there is a shark attack, a lot of the scripts I've read so far are surprisingly light on them. But look at Jaws, so much of what makes it scary is the slow build up, the rising tension to what we all know will happen next. This just happens. Boom. T falls over and isn't even eaten slowly, but whole, lickity split, and then its done.

Well the rest get eaten just as fast too.

I dunno, its not clicking with me. The shark attack seems like more of a tacked on after thought. And when it does happen its unbelievable. One guy just asks for his head to be eaten and Peg just gives up at the end like this script does. The idea isn't bad. The final test for a group of people to get over their water fears but the execution is poor. It could have been more.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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This looks to be my early favorite so far. You hooked me with the title, it sums up the entire story. There were a few confusing missteps at start, nothing too bad, just a bit clunky. The characters are what makes this work, and the choices in kill order were the right calls.

I like the quirks. These folks have a few screws loose and it's quote humorous to see their differences. What I though was amazing is how you raised the stakes to kill off Dr. T first, leaving the rest in danger. Textbook. What followed was some good, pay-off kills that had me laughing. Nice work.

Writing cleanly, I noticed a few rush spots and missing punctuation. Presented well.

Good work,

Johnny
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mmmarnie
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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Pg. 1 - "tip-toe looks to the right, then to the left." -- HUH? Do you mean she stands on the tip of her toes and looks?  I guess that's what you mean. Strange wording that halted my reading.

"a toothy face of smiles" -- more strange wording.

Okay, this is obviously a comedy.  DJS was pretty specific about no comedies for this OWC. Congrats on completing something though.


boop
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Written well for the most part... quite a good story. Over all, not a bad effort, well done.
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CrusaderVoice
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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This more funny-strange than funny ha-ha but I was actually cracking up throughout this. Agreeing with some others, the characters were a bit dizzying at first but I thought that worked itself out.

I still like the set-up of people who are not supposed to go out but go out anyway. I'm sure Ian doesn't regret missing this trip.

I liked the indirect reference of a bigger boat.

I'm five scripts in and I've liked this one the best at this point.
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stevie
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, sort of pisser overtones in this.

The concept was good but maybe the writer lost control and decided to make it a wanna be comedy? I dunno.

Sorta surprised by the love for it from reviewers as I didn't think it was written overly well. Not badly written just par of the course.

I will give it a 5 and that's being generous lol



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nawazm11
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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Another one where four characters are introduced in the first two paragraphs. Not a fan but at least the other scripts tried to differentiate the names so they were easier to remember... Here we have three characters with three letter names and another one with four, you can raise certain expectations for the reader but remember, we're looking for any reason to quit.

Not sure if I should smite you down on using Ian, technically, that's more than 5 characters.

Yeah, I could see what you were going for but it didn't work for me. There seems to be this comedic backbone but I didn't even smile, most of the jokes felt lame and the deaths were just too obvious to really laugh at. This is another script that's just the same old same old, and although you tried to do something with it, it didn't work. Not a fan.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Immersion

Bit clunky on the logline and concept but still has potential. Let's see

Seems slow into the story, all the Ian stuff
For some reason I though Ann was Dr T - is that ted. Maybe it's only me that will read it that way, but just saying

Now we were told no comedy, and if this wasn't trying to be funny then it comes off strange. Hell who cares, I thought comedy should have been permitted. Just think of all the rubber sharks jokes we could have had.

Oh, and you didn't say,,, were gonna need a bigger boat.... So well done. Many have.

Whilst a pleasant read this didn't float my boat, float my boat - get it...ahem, anyway just needs a little tidy up and bit more direction.

Cheers


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Last Fountain
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting premise of aquaphobes overcoming their fears.

I just wish you did more with it. For example, the patients board the boat no problem, casual as a daytrip. I expected them to exhibit some sort of nervous and anxious behaviour here. You could still keep light laughter with fears. Another use of bigger boat could work here, since they truly want one for safety nd comfort, that is.

However, thankfully,  once on board nd on the water, the patients do exhibit neurosis. Maybe one of them should be afraid of sharks. Go along with our expectations. Address them head on. I don't think it's a reach that one would fear water because of sharks or cuz they watched Jaws. Be self aware sometimes. I think it's appropriate with the tone of this short.

A what?! moment here, when doc throws chum in the water. Really? Well here's your chance to mention fear of sharks.  Hehehe.  I understand you feel like you need an excuse, but perhaps a rogue shark would attack purely out of aggression. Or the smell of, puke in the water. Ewww.

Funny line. Dan says, I now have another phobia... add, beat, sharks!... nice image, glasses swirl in bloody water. While they argue loudly consider adding images of the shark fin circling them. Just crank that tension meter way up. All the way to... holy gore of decapitation.  Definitely not subtle. Hehehe.

Consider punching up the ending. It seems like you wanted to end on a laugh. Guy swims away on cooler. What about a fin pops up at the end. Chasing far behind.

Interesting premise. I wish you milked the fear element. This idea was ripe for it. Some good images. Some chuckles. Gore. And uneven tone.


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EWall433
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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This one’s got a promising loglines, so let’s see where it goes.

You need to place Ann in the scene better. I can’t picture her spatial relationship to the guys, so I don’t know why it’s so hard for her to see them.

Pg. 5 Good job so far. Some humorous dialogue and the writer’s voice complimenting it without going overboard (for me at least). The characters aren’t distinguishing themselves yet, but I find I’m sympathetic to them as group. I feel a little sad knowing one of these sorry saps is about to get a limb chewed off.

It’s really kinda random that Ted would start chumming the water. Sometimes no reason works better than a weird one.

I would’ve liked more description of Ted’s death and the shark’s first appearance.

Run out of time? The last image is funny, but I can’t shake the feeling that the story just wrapped up too quickly. It was a fun read though, and worth revisiting to make it what it could be.

Congrats on completing the OWC
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Forgive
Posted: April 8th, 2014, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah - I felt like this was a seasoned writer too. Had me thinking non-American too be honest, just some of the turns of phrase etc.

Displayed a knowledge of boats/boating which I felt was down to more than just research.

Starting off in a car-park didn't do it for me, and I think it stayed there a little too long as well. Maybe go straight into Dr. T taking the call from Ian as he's heading toward the boat - also a chance to slowly intro the other characters - Pete near the boat, the others in it.

I liked the idea of the therapy group, but them wanting to go out and the Dr reluctant, but then sticking in the "I've hired the boat" line didn't work either - possibly have Ian's pull-out signalling a way out for the others, but then Dr. giving the "Last day & I've hired the boat" line...?

Ending felt like the writer had run out of ideas, as there were pages left, and you'd expect a little tension there - I don't know, it was just a little random.

I did like some of the dialogue exchanges in the boat, and these were handled well. All in, a mixed picture really - the light comedic element didn't entirely sit well with the spurting blood and gave it a bit of a 'Carry On' feel to it (Not that you'd get decapitations, but you see what I mean). There was no mood built for those moments.

Well written, but some of the elements that turn it into a good story weren't totally there for me.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm, another pisser?

All the dialogue and constant name dropping is very irritating.

Writing seems OK, but rushed and there are numerous obvious mistakes, which makes me think it was a last moment entry?  We’ll see…

Wow…3 pages of pisser quality dialogue with each cartoon character using one another’s names over and over.  I’m skimming the dialogue at this point, as it means very little and seems to be written to amuse.

Page 5 – OK, gotta be a pisser – if it’s not – the writer has serious dialogue issues going on.

Incase this isn’t supposed to be taking a he piss, I’ll point out that the passages are very poorly broken up, most likely to save lines and cram in info, even though the sentences have nothing to do with each other.

Punctuation, namely comma use, is also poor throughout.

Page 8 – They’re all screaming at each OTHER IN CLASSIC PISSER FORM!!!!!

It’s funny at times for sure, but not completely pisser funny, IMO, but then again, what I find funny doesn’t seem to be what most find funny, which reminds me of a funny story, but then again, it may not be that funny to everyone else, so maybe I shouldn’t even tell it.

Congrats on entering.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 10th, 2014, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Another different take on the challenge, people with fear of open water, nice!

I don’t think you need to spend so much time on the Ian angle, I know you are introducing the characters and the whole aquaphobia desensitization thing but you seem to waste a lot of time on this. Maybe you could start in the boat and take it from there? Ian doesn’t make an appearance in this story so why spend so much time on him?

Hmmm, comedies were not supposed to be allowed but this one reads like a comedy. I lol’d for real at the “I’ve got a new phobia” line (which is awkward coz I’m at work). Unfortunately the comedy tone makes the attacks funny as well, not sure if that was the intention.

Overall I liked it. It’s like a spoof of Jaws in a semi-serious way and I agree with the others in that it wraps up too quickly.  Balance the humour and the tension better, spend less time on land discussing Ian and this could be a real gem.

Gratz on your OWC entry!

Mark


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