Hunt by Scriptwriter - Short, Shark, Animation - A killer whale faces adversity in more ways than one. - pdf, format

A couple things. When I think of coral reefs I think of tropical oceans and warm water. I', not an expert but I don't know if killer whales live in that environment. This would be more of an arctic setting I would think. The corral reef is just about the only description of setting in the script though. This movie gave me a big Finding Nemo vibe. That film was full of color and varied setting for being underwater.

Also the dialogue is too spot on and too long. Except for the fight at the end and the seaweed trip at the beginning most of the film is just talk. For example a lot of time is spent talking about Walt being cowardly but not nearly as much is shown him being one. In the opening scene I would have it look like he was hunting a fish and at the last minute turn to actually grab the seaweed. It develops character right away. More of this is needed.

Walt has little reason to trust Jaws when they meet and Jaws has little reason to help Walt. They just run into each other and off they go as pals though we know there is distrust between them. Maybe Jaws shames Walt into coming along, peer pressure? Or the swimmer just happens to appear on the spot so Walt has no chance to leave?

I did like the line about Jaws having a history of being a hunter.
I don't understand the three eyes bit while hunting though.

The last thing, which I'm sure you noticed is an issue, its hard to show your characters killing/eating other animals in an animated "kids" cartoon. Nemo and even Shark's Tale (ugh) knew this because the some of the sharks in there are like Walt, vegetarians, because they can't bring themselves to kill. To avoid being unoriginal, perhaps Walt is more of a scavenger? He brings home leftovers instead.

It’s a good idea it just needs more work to bring the shine out.

Another kid-friendly entry here. This worked well for what it set out to do, but it could use some smoothing over.

Considering the target audience, it may seem pedantic to point out that Killer Whales don’t live in caves, but these sorts of stories always come across better when you play off reality.

I’d rework the way Walt and Jaws meet. Maybe have Walt approach Jaws rather than the other way around. Walt is the one who needs what Jaws has (knowledge of hunting).

Pg. 8 Cut out the swearing. I can already see the parents cringing. And the next two weeks spent with their kid running around the kitchen table, holding a toy orca, and screaming, “This way asshole! This way asshole!”

The writing was decent throughout, but the action of the final fight was a little confusing (and maybe rushed).

My biggest problem with this, is nothing’s really resolved by the end. Walt’s family was going to starve on seaweed. He went and p***ed off a Great White shark, but never found any new source of food. Actually they’re in worse straits because that shark still knows where they live. So that’s the first place I’d start, figure out a real solution to Walt’s problem.

Congrats on entering the OWC.

A noteworthy difference between the other entries so far, but a lot wrong with it too. Barebones, it's got a promising premise, and an entirely fresh take on Jaws. But that's about it.

The poor dialogue stands out, littered with short question and reponses. Jaws, Walt, and Maddie all used "ain't" in their dialogue. There's nothing wrong the word, just every character speaking it. It blends the speech together, and you don't want that effect.

Also, stuttering was incorrect. When doing them, use the first letter or "sounding combo" next to the word itself:

Kn-know. The "k" in "know" naturally produces an "n" sound, so "kn" should be included.

More examples would be, J-Jaws or h-he.

As is, I see a theme with no conclusion. Needs a rewrite.

Nice effort,

Johnny

I think this is supposed to be funny, but the problem is that it’s really not.  This is well trodden territory you’re swimming in and it’s tough to write animated comedy, because the originals are so well known and well done.

4 pages in and it’s basically all dialogue and it’s not very well done.  I’m getting very bored.

Way too many characters already – yes, in theory, you haven’t broken any rules, cuz they’re not human, but since they talk, they have to be looked at as human, IMO.

This is OK and I do appreciate that you tried something different…but it’s not really different and it’s dull.

Congrats on entering the OWC.

I will have to try this one again at a later date. I'm not in the mood to go into 'U' territory.

Pg. 2 - LOL...we got another one.  

Well, this was cute. Problem is, as far as this challenge goes, you have 5 characters. Walt, Maddie, Scrub, Hearty, Jaws.  Too bad cus you didn't even need Hearty.

Congrats on a nice effort for this OWC though.

While some truth about Killer Whales may be overlooked here due to animated purposes, and I'm not against cartoon charaters considering to make meals out of others (Ice Age, WB's Wile E. Coyote trying to catch and eat Road Runner and also WB Sylvester vs. Tweety) none of them or the intended victims resort to profanity. But there's a bigger issue involved. And that's story.

When we first meet Jaws, there is a sense that Walt was being bullied when he was young (presumably by Jaws) then Jaws teaches him to hunt wanting him to attack a human. Walt says no. An image of peer pressure and doing the right thing. However, all this reveals to be a ruse so Jaws can go and eat Scrub and the other kids.

So the life lesson here is what? Don't mess with the family and protecting your own? Let's all be vegans?

Two themes that kids can relate to on some level were introduced and laid aside.
A lot to digest here and little focus.


-DjS

Second animation, I think? A simple story. Four characters and the shark, so not sure on where that stands.

Tricky balance with animation, making it interesting enough for adults and engaging enough for kids. Agree with the a$$hole bit better being taken out.

I didn't have any problems with the dialogue, pretty natural overall, but everyone's allowed their own take on things like this.

Overall? An easy read, that has turns more than twists, and could easily work with a bit of a re-vamp.

I'm going to echo what Darren said regarding the bullying.  At first you have the shark coming up and Hola said he's out teaching another, but which wasn't very convincing either.

You could probably shave about three pages off of the back and forth dialogue and really doesn't pertain to this story.

It is a story with potential but it really needs to be reworked.

Shawn.....><

This was a pretty good entry, and definitely a different take on the concept. Not much I can say about formatting and story premise that hasn't already been mentioned within some of the other posts. I love the animated movies nowadays, so I'm always playing out possibilities in my head for something new or original. So, although this has never been done (Whales, I think), it does seem kind of old cause of the Finding Nemo thing, and the fact the movie also had a nasty Shark in it.

I liked how you briefly painted a vivid picture of the underwater landscape, and it probably could have used another line or so to give the reader a better idea of the world the characters live in. Mind you, most people will say it's too much, and in a short, maybe... but meh. I remember watching Finding Nemo on the big screen, and I thought I was tripping out from all the lucid imagery, couldn't get enough.

An easy fix might be the cave setting. Maybe the Whale family could have sought out a really cool underwater city (Atlantis) to make their home? Just an afterthought.  Best of luck, and congrats for getting a script in!

I thought the idea was good and this could be interesting. But there's a lot of dialogue and not much happening. If they were swimming along and on their way somewhere it might work better.

The messages within also seemed a little off. I'm all for those vegan types and all that. (Aren't they always so shy about sharing it with everyone?) but I can't see why you couldn't pick creatures who would suit your story better.

Alright, you could argue Babe the pig didn't exactly stick within the usual ungulate or porcine behavior. And you'd be right. But your story would be strengthened with some work on your plot and characters.

It was a nice idea. And title. Some of the titles so far chosen have been awful. This has some great ideas.

R

An animation, interesting choice...

Well, they're sharks, but you've technically surpassed the 4 character limit because of the three calves. Not really sure about giving them an age either, it wouldn't really matter since they have a different life expectancy compared to humans.

And they're not rogue either, which was a major part of the criteria. Also, we can't forget the fact that adult sharks leave their children after they're born so they don't eat them. In fact, why aren't they eating them? They seem hungry so... I know it's an animation but it really is the smaller things.

Yeah, you went over the character count regardless of the calves. So far, that's two things you didn't attend to which is a huge problem in my books since almost every other writer followed them.

Suppose this was cute, a little too childish to appeal to adults. And a little too gruesome with some profanity being thrown around to appeal to children. Doesn't really work for me in that sense since it's useless as an animation. But it works in one sense since it has a rounded story with goals and arcs if you're into that thing. Sound job, nothing to hate, not a lot to like except the appearance of Mr. Jaws himself.

Attempting an animation mixing elements that will appeal to kids but with adult orientated action is brave. It’s not really been done right since Watership Down and that film completely freaks me out, so well done for trying this.

As it is the story starts off reminding me of Finding Nemo for whales and only later moves into adult territory with the fight and Walt biting out the eye of Jaws. The changes in tone and target audience are hard to take in, maybe if you start off right from the start establishing this as a more mature piece it would work better.

I don’t get the relationship between Jaws and Walt. I get you are implying bullying and vegetarianism V carnivores but I didn’t buy Jaws being pally one moment and trying to kill his kids the next nor did I understand what history they have together.

I do understand what you are trying to imply with the three eyes thing but it’s clumsy and you mention eye too many times.

There’s nothing here a re-write can’t fix and seeing an animation like this certainly would be different.

Well done and congratulations on entering this OWC.

Mark

*Spoilers*

Wow.  An animated script in the middle of the OWC....

I have to say, the variety on these scripts so far is a lot better than I feared.  I was expecting a ton of Jaws clones, with swimmers and fisherman getting bitten in half, and not much else.  Yet, there seem to be a lot of creative scripts in this one, not taking the obvious rampaging-shark route.

Not surprisingly, I found myself thinking of Finding Nemo the entire time I was reading this.  Which isn't exactly fair, because this script was a touch darker than Nemo - dealing with an actual moral premise: must a peaceful (whale) shark kill to feed his family?

I don't have much to say about this one.  The characters were cute, and I of course rooted for the good guys who won out in the end. The bad shark was satisfactorily evil, and the ending wrapped up nicely.  No real surprises here, but a cute little story.  And a nice change of pace.

--Janet (W)