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Up from the Depths 2 by Jeff Bush (dreamscale) - Short, Shark - Young Newlyweds are menaced by a rogue shark while honeymooning on Maui. 12 pages - pdf, format
So far it seems like it's written by a sexually frustrated fourteen-year-old boy. Dialogue is cut straight from a bad seventies porno, really OTN.
Code
JOSH
Sees us? Who's gonna see us,
Sugarplum? There's no one here but
us Newlyweds. Let's both get
completely naked and have wild
unbridled sex in the beautiful ocean
and all the Hawaiian fishes can watch.
I'm at page 4 and I'm imagining Sid James in the main part. It's like a Carry On Film. You should have called this Carry On Shark. Or maybe, Confessions of a Frustrated Coconut Collector.
Cartoon sound effects? I suppose the 'boing' is his dick getting hard... or is it the pop? Or both? BTW, morning wood is reserved ONLY for the morning, when one wakes up in the morning... not for everyday erections.
Out at page 6 on this one. Dialogue is the worst I've read so far. I may come back for another go, but I doubt it with this one.
Mama said a lot of things, none of which will prepare you for what lurks beneath the water in Up from the Depths 2. This is insightful examination of two Newlyweds discovering each other through the jaws of a shark is unmatched, so raw, hard and intimate; all I can do is stand alone and clap.
As I read, I could taste the bounce, and my cookie crumbs fell into my milk. It quenched my thirst only to want more. I will patiently await its sequel.
Loving the dialogue. You get me? Funny stuff but we were told no comedies. Have to say though, that you have one heck of an imagination. Baby sharks that suck mens members. Priceless.
DJ you specifically told me there were no comedies allowed. I skimmed is as it looked like a comedy.
If the scripts aren't thriller/drama/ horror/action/adventure as some of these aren't then why where they deemed to qualify?
I guess Don allowed it. But you're right. I said comedic elements are fine so long as comedy is not the main genre. For example, it's a drama and one character tells a joke. Or the film Jaws isn't a comedy oif course, but Matt Hooper makes faces and mocks Quint. That's the kind of thing I was talking about. Light humor from character by character. Not...
Whatever this is. I was out by five. The dialog was painful. The slugs annoying. Sadly, reading this makes me wonder if the writer ever had a girlfriend that stayed with him for more than ten minutes.,
Hmm, rock hard nips, giant jugs, raging boner with a toothless baby shark attached to it. Can't imagine for the life of me who could have possibly written this magnum opus.
Had some laughs but I think it's always better to be mercifully short with pissers.
Am I the only one that didn’t think this was funny. I tried man. I read like 9 pages, The whole “you get me” thing, was killing it for me. It’s like” nah mean” but a cornier version. The dialogue and story was just too wacky and bizarre for my taste.
It’s amazing how some ppl on here can laugh at this type of shit. Not only laugh but consider it insightful and a pisser? Really? I guess that's why they say comedy is subjective.
I did like the idea of two newlyweds in Maui…then throw a shark into it. It could be have been cool if you went with a different tone. Comedy is one thing. I love something that can make me laugh. But it was coming off as reaching for that shock laugh. Which I usually don’t bite on.
I thought this was suppose to be horror based or drama. With maybe some sprinkles of comedy. This just felt like reading a Laffy taffy, without the laughs.
Mad harsh review I know…But hey…I didn’t like it..lol
Wow...hilarious! I knew a pisser or 3 would creep in.
I actually laughed out loud numerous times. The dialogue sounds like everyone was lobotomized - LOVE it!
It's funny, cuz I wasn't sure where this was gonna go early on, but I sure didn't think it was going where it went. Baby Rogue Tiger Shark...classic.
Somebody had some fun here and it works as intended. Congrats on entering.
How can you like a piece of crap like this yet hate on scripts that are written ten times better? This is a massive pile of shit, mate... unless, it was you that wrote it. If that is the case, you should be ashamed of yourself. Mostly everyone else took the contest seriously.
If this is you.... then all this does is make you look scared of having a serious attempt. Maybe this is a serious attempt. This wouldn't be the first thing I've read of yours that looks like it's come from the mind of a sexually frustrated 14-year-old boy.
Queequeg. That rings a bell. Moby Dick? Ah yes it was.
Uh oh. I think I know where this going.
Just married yesterday and he doesn't know what his wife looks like naked? Ah, I get it. They got on a plane, flew all the way out here straight from the wedding then instead of going to a hotel they threw their luggage in the sea then decided to talk to this guy about him not getting her clothes off yet.
Cos that type of stuff happens all the time with newlyweds, don't it just.
Now I'm back watching Carry On Where's My Pants Gone.
Cornfed? She's not a chicken.
What's that noise? It's Benny Hill turning in his grave and shouting 'Stop using my sound effects.'
Torpedo like breasts? She's got breasts like missiles? Oh well. For each their own, I suppose.
Even John Holmes would struggle to trip over himself.
I like a laugh. It would be nice to have one soon.
This is more Movie 43 than comedy, to me. I dunno. Give Sandler a ring. He might bite your hand off. Christ knows this is the same level as some comedy films.
Sorry not to be more positive. I think teenage lads might find this funny. If they stayed in a lot. Or maybe not.
Another pisser it seems? Title doesn't help your case.
I'm not sure whether the Raphael and Lenny duo are funnier than the perverted Maccabee.
"TRAIL TO PU'U PU'PU OLA'I BEACH" I've shamefully made this joke once or twice when I watched the Descendants.
"RIP!!! POP!!! BOING!!!" , plenty of writers out there who put in too many sound effects, me included... Nice to see you're poking fun.
Not sure what it was with this one, I found it repetitive more than anything. Don't think it was worth the slog, didn't find a lot funny either. Maybe it's hard for anything to try and keep up with the gem that is Jowls, but as a pisser, the comedy didn't appeal to me. There's another similar one with eggplants and a pool that I read quite a while back, didn't think a lot changed really. Pretty obvious who wrote it too, judging from previous pissers and OWC entries.