Jail Bait by Stubb - Short, Shark - Three bros find themselves stranded on a party raft in the middle of the ocean after a day of drinking. - pdf, format

Jail bait...Shark bait. The thread title and the script title are differient.

This was like watching the Hangover and Scary Movie blended for some reason.

It was alright. Buches of 'bro" ness lines for men in their mid twenties.

The story itself met the criteria but just seemed to be a story thet reminded me of other stories that have been done.

All in all, it was pretty decent.

Congrats on the OWC entry.

Shawn.....><

It does seem familiar.

My attention span may be waning, getting somewhat chewed up, but I had trouble picturing the scenes here. Had to keep going back rereading to find out how things should appear but got little joy. Some more specifics would have helped.

I think this could have been better if there'd been less bro talk and more tension.

The bigger boat didn't work. It's too famous for a straight lift.

They seem too stereotypical to be realistic, hence the problem.

Most of it's alright.

R

Well, this was quite the... bromance.

Gautama Buddha said; “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” <-- ya, that was a cut n' paste.

The point is, as deep as that cr*p runs, I truly cannot fathom someone plotting revenge so devious that it would involve their own death; that would kind of defeat the purpose of revenge in my opinion. That is, watching those who did you wrong suffer in some way or another. However, this is an OWC and pretty much anything goes.

Some of the comedy was actually hilarious, and that kept me going, and I honestly can't say if the dialog was congruent to these dudes and their situation, simply because I've never been there myself. All in all, this was a solid entry. Good work, bro!

Rule of thumb, always try and avoid starting your script with big blocks of text, it's an instant turn off for the reader and makes the read so much boggier than it should be.

And it doesn't help have all three guys have five letter names.

"Last thing I
remember, we were all sipping
margaritas on the beach and
reminiscing about the first time we
went to Spring Break back in oh
seven." Last thing I remember is a bunch of obvious exposition, avoid this too. Poor dialogue throughout, and it continues. Don't reveal what the characters already know about each other, why would they say all of that? He has a kid? Of course he has a kid!

And their reaction to the dead girl? They ignore it for 2 minutes and then they remember?

"You do the mouth." You do the what?

"Suddenly a great white shark pops out of the water and
chomps down on Aiden’s upper torso. His head and right arm
is in the beast’s mouth." A lot of problems with this. It's almost comical in the way you reveal it, there's no flow or any flare or style to it. But the biggest problem is that you're so blunt about it and it makes it just seems hilarious instead of it having your desired effect.

WTF? Wasn't it Aiden in the shark? How'd Tyler get in there? Why hasn't the raft capsized? How can he even talk?

"If it’s her, then why did you kill
her?" What??

"Brock
SCREAMS with glee." Okay.

Is this a pisser? Hopefully not since I didn't laugh or smile at any time. Writing needs work and the dialogue needs to be rewritten from scratch. Really, it killed the whole script and everything you were after. Didn't work for me, and if you mess up which character the shark was bitten by, it doesn't seem like you cared about the script to put in the extra effort to read it once more. And this is harsh, so why should I care if you don't?

Yeah a bit of a mix up there with Tyler and Aidan and who was eaten first lol. That scene was almost hilarious, imagining someone SCREECHING after being ripped in half!

But I thought this was nasty and well done. Very full on stuff but it all came together well.

Have no idea about the different 'bro' slang but, yeah, nice work

Give this a 7.5

This didn't do anything for me at all.

How has Brock survived life so far without being locked up in a lunatic asylum or killed is beyond me, the fact he has 'friends' even worse! No-one reacts realistically, no-one realises they have steak knives hidden in their pants. The raft is at times flimsy and then super strong. The revenge plan is so out there I think they’d even shy away from using it in Scream.

Sorry but this just seems like disturbed gratuitous fantasy.

But it meets all the criteria, so well done for that and for entering the OWC lol!

Mark

SPOILERS
I have a believability issue here - her plan to kill herself to attract a shark on them seems kind of intricate and hard to buy into. Don't know.
And didn't you kill off all the wrong ones? If you chose to kill Tyler early in the story - maybe you didn't need him.
I guess it's a strong story for someone who buys into her plan. Maybe if you led to it properly - after all we don't know her and don't see her. We learn about what happened from Brock and that's kind of weak in my op.

Shark bait...sorry jail bait. Not sure why I had the other name in my head (edit)

Fade in in the right - that's it I'm out...only kidding, I couldn't care less

Bit heavy on the opening - not sure what a party raft is
Tim tebro - ??

There frats, after a party, alone with a dead girl in a bikini - now that's either cliched or a decent place to start. It will depend on where this goes.

Yeah - dead girl in a raft not sure jokes are wise

Brock - is a bit out tune with the tone, which gets worse with the shark

Noooooo - 'were gonna have to get a bigger boat' - third script

Dick punch your fart box - yuck

Screams with glee ??



Ok, I didn't like it, as written, but it has decent potential.

A revenge story. Three boys rape a girl, she tracks them down, lures them onto a raft and kills herself to attract sharks. Perhaps a little much to take but the revenge element is sound.

You could add depth to this. How they have struggled with the memory. How one tried to find her before to make good etc so we are left with the question do they deserve to die etc

Not a bad story. Could have done with more. I think this could work well with a rewrite. Written well aside from the bro-things in dialogue, like Bro J Simpson etc... got a little much.

Aside from that... not a bad entry.

I'm only one paragraph in and your descriptions are wonky. "The raft bobs up 'on' down", then you tell us the water is calm.  And how can air be pitch black? But it's obviously not pitch black anyway because then you tell us the moon illuminates the surface.

Second paragraph...how do you sleep 'inside' a raft? There is no inside. "on" a raft maybe?  And what is "traditional" Spring Break paraphernalia, anyway? Mardi Gras okay...there are lots purple and gold beads. St. Patrick's Day...green. But can't figure what the "tradition" is for Spring break. -- this is a wasted description since you go into detail as you describe each of your characters.

Okay. This was tough to get through. The dialog really got annoying and the three guys all sounded the same. But the story itself, I have to agree with Khamanna...major believability issues.  

This one wasn't for me but congrats on completing something for this OWC.

There were some funny lines throughout but things became a bit unbelievable for me when the shark attacked Tyler. How Aiden and Brock would continue to go on like nothing happened to their friend just moments after he died is beyond me. If Tyler was scared he was going to get in trouble from the law because of the dead girl it might have been interesting to see him want to throw the girl overboard. That would have made him the leading suspect in her death. While a shark swam around the raft you could have cranked up the tension in the raft with the three guys wondering who killed her. Just a thought. Not bad overall especially for one weeks of work, definitely has potential. You just need to clean up a couple of things.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

(Opening paragraphs are a little thick. No biggie. See we’ve got more bros. Give it a chance. Dialogue isn’t really helping me tell them apart, tho)

(Aiden checks her pulse even though her neck “resembles a Pez dispenser”, that’s a red flag.)

(So, Aiden’s got a knife. That’s a mystery at least, but boy is the dialogue killing it. It goes on for so long and almost all of it could be cut. These guys aren’t acting even remotely real.)

(A typo on who got eaten by the shark. One of the few essential pieces of information and...)

(And now Brock just randomly has all the answers, laying out a revenge plan that no one would ever want, nor be able to execute properly)

Pg. 9 “Excuse me miss, do you mind if I dick punch your fart box?”

(Pauses)(Scrolls through other comments)(Yeah, they’ve got this)

Congrats on entering the OWC

Did you change the title and forget to change it on the title page? Either way, I like both of them.

Sometimes your descriptions are confusing. It slows the read.
Ex:   a blacked out twenty something girl in a bikini

Tim Tebro Ha

Human Pez dispenser

Not sure I’m liking this. It’s like a lame The Hangover on a raft. Their reactions to the dead girl are way off in my opinion. Now if a guy woke up on a raft with no clue how he got there and the only other passenger was a dead girl...but maybe this is supposed to be funny, so I’ll keep reading.

I got a chuckle or three out of this story. There was too much back and forth dialogue for me. When I lose interest while reading, it makes me tend to skim through the read.

Grinding Nemo...still it was worth reading for the laughs along the way!

what needs to be worked on:


Comedy needs to be amped up quite a bit.

They find themselves drifting out to sea with a girl who's been slit in the throat...and one of them chuckles? I realize it's humor, but...

I could not buy into any of the premise, but at least there was an attempt at cleverness.