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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Bad Day in Miami Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 16th, 2014, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bad Day in Miami by Michael Donovan Horn - Comedy - After accidentally stealing a car loaded with cocaine, two wily car thieves lead a hilarious chase involving two brutal arms dealers, a crooked D.E.A. agent, a sexy U.S. Marshal, a poetry-spouting hit man, and a vicious lady kingpin.  109 pages - pdf, format


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CameronD
Posted: April 16th, 2014, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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You got ten pages out of me. I would change the logline. Its supposed to be a short teaser, this reads like a sales pitch. Too detailed with the list of characters. Hilarious car chase? We shall see.

I get the Seinfeld self reference, but if this script is supposed to be a Seinfeld car chase it will have big shoes to fill. Lots of juvenile banter between the two mains. Be careful as juvenile banter can quickly become annoying banter. I'm afraid this is more towards the later. And this is what kills me, your first full 6 pages are just the guys wandering the car lot. Nothing really happens until page 6 when they finally choose a car. This is ok if the script is really really funny, but Tarantino this is not so be weary. I like the purple escort, I like them almost car shopping throughout the day, but can't you do it quicker? Keep only the funnier lines and lose the filler.


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MichaelDonovanHorn
Posted: April 21st, 2014, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hiya Cameron,

Thanks for reading.  I'm sure you'll agree a logline IS a sales pitch, which is why I made it specific.  You were fuzzy on the chase part (me saying 'chase' meant the car jackers being chased through the whole flick) so I'll take your advice and change that aspect.  Thanks.

Sorry if the banter annoyed you, but it serves a purpose.  We discover Doug and Linus' characters as their words communicate the theme, plus it sets up Linus' dislike of the bimbos Doug keeps setting him up with.  This, in turn, leads him to fall for a cop - because she's different.    

Keep in mind I wrote this at age 15, so I of course need to make changes.  I didn't understand your "Seinfeld self reference."  What exactly did you mean?

Thanks again.
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AdamGoodman
Posted: April 23rd, 2014, 5:06am Report to Moderator
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Hey, I have to stop because I have something else to do.  Iím on page 40.  But I think this is cool as hell.  If I love these movies like snatch, pulp fiction, Locke stock and two smoking barrels.  And you have got to medium down so far to a tee.  If the writing and dialogue is crisp and the nonchalance of the characters is apparent and your idea for the script in general is good enough.  Iím not one really for a bunch of technical opinions, but so far, I really, really like the story.  Why not?  If a good old fashioned (modern) crime drama with a sense of humor.  Well done.
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AdamGoodman
Posted: April 23rd, 2014, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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and I just finished it and it was a really cool text.  and really, I want to say that I have no complaints, you had the style down perfectly and, should the thing get filmed and should we have a pair of actors like 'the wedding crashers', it will be a hit. I read what you said above but really, I think this text was exactly just fine. well done!
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CameronD
Posted: April 23rd, 2014, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MichaelDonovanHorn
Hiya Cameron,

Thanks for reading.  I'm sure you'll agree a logline IS a sales pitch, which is why I made it specific.  You were fuzzy on the chase part (me saying 'chase' meant the car jackers being chased through the whole flick) so I'll take your advice and change that aspect.  Thanks.

Sorry if the banter annoyed you, but it serves a purpose.  We discover Doug and Linus' characters as their words communicate the theme, plus it sets up Linus' dislike of the bimbos Doug keeps setting him up with.  This, in turn, leads him to fall for a cop - because she's different.    

Keep in mind I wrote this at age 15, so I of course need to make changes.  I didn't understand your "Seinfeld self reference."  What exactly did you mean?

Thanks again.


What I meant to say is the logline is too detailed with a list of charecters but light on story. It kinda is nothing but a list of charetcers looking at it again. SO I take it back, its more a laundry list than sales pitch.

You wrote this when you were 15? Thats actually impressive. But the dialouge reads like it as I pointed out. With regards to Sienfield, I'm guessing this script is nothing but a random mix of charecters thrown together like the show is?

I'm not sure what you want to do with this. Are you posting just for show? Do you want to pick this up again? Looking to enter some contests?


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MichaelDonovanHorn
Posted: June 20th, 2014, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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Cameron,

Okay.  Cool.  I'm trying to get this out there and get it made, just like everyone else on this site.  I had a big offer a month or two ago, but of course, it fizzled at the last minute.  Here's hoping.

Mike!
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