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Fridge Feeder by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - A desperate woman turns to technology to help her diet, but the tech has other ideas of how to help. - pdf, format
This one was rather cute, kudos. Admittedly, I don't know how I'd feel about it if I was touchy about my weight - because this script does "slightly* imply that weight issues are all one of willpower. But I still enjoyed the read on its own merits. And it didn't go exactly where I thought it would; another plus.
This is pretty good and would be relatively easy to produce - one major actor, one automated voice and one delivery guy. Btw, I'd call the fridge guy something other than FITTER, that just didn't sit right imh.
'decanting the shopping'? Hmm, I know it may appear I'm being pedantic but this word is usually reserved for pouring wine/liquids.
'Where are they you supercilious automaton!' Made me laugh, great line. You could do with a comma after 'they' btw.
Speaking of same, be aware of lack of punctuation in some spots i.e., lack of period on page 9. and commas in some places, and I'm not sold on the 'silence' repeated or the 'beat' repeated in her telephone call... but not a big deal.
ALF Yes, when I asked if you wanted the last ones sending back and you said
This needs an em dash (-) inserted or a colon after 'said', because Mary's recorded line cuts him off.
A description line in between would suffice, otherwise.
'Flies around Mary’s body buzzindistinctly.' Really? I would think that fly buzzing would be quite distinct.
The ending was a little bit of a let down for me, however. I really liked the setup in the beginning and assumed Mary was going to have some kind of battle of wills with the automaton, and perhaps a less linear narrative.
I like Ren's idea for the title Fridge (ID) too.
Some amusing lines in this one and a nice idea. Well done.
MARY
Yes Dad, it’s here now.
Beat.
MARY
I know.
Beat.
MARY
Yes of course.
Beat.
MARY
(exasperated)
Dad, I know what willpower is, and
I know it’s only a fridge.
Shorter beat.
MARY
No Dad, I am not coming back home!
Beat.
MARY
Ok, ok, sorry too.
Beat.
The above takes up a lot of space. Pauses in dialogue would be better left in dialogue, not taken to action. So something more like this:
Code
MARY
Yes Dad, it’s here now.
Beat.
I know.
Beat.
Yes of course.
Beat.
Dad, I know what willpower is, and
I know it’s only a fridge.
Shorter beat.
No Dad, I am not coming back home!
Beat.
Ok, ok, sorry too.
I find the above easier to read. It would also be easier to write and looks more aesthetic. All my opinion of course.
Code
Mary crosses to the fridge and starts to tap away on the
touch-screen console.
Some 'starts and begins' are OK. You overuse them. In the above instance it would be better written:
Code
Mary crosses to the fridge and taps away on the
touch-screen console.
Keep an eye out for things like that on run-throughs for brevity.
Code
MARY
Yes, it’s the fucking doughnuts!
Where are they you supercilious
automaton!
The above line of dialogue sounds like something out of Red Dwarf. 'supercilious automaton'. Took me right out of her character and sent me somewhere else. The swearing is fine. It's just the second bit. Seems like too great a shift into comedy. And that isn't where I'm meant to be going, is it?
Alf talks for too long in places. Too human-like... too much emotion. You should make him colder, more matter-of-fact-like.
Story fell a little flat for me. I expected more from this. I don't feel this story fully explored the subject matter in the way it could... but it is a shit-hot premise. You could craft this into something great. At the moment the tone is all off and it doesn't deliver as it should. I want to read more of your views on fatties. I agree with you, it is about will power... even the ones that lie and blame it on an illness. Fat doesn't come from nowhere. I'd like to see more of that deniability in your story. Also, rather than feeding her, the Fridge should help her, but she is her own worst enemy. So sneaking food behind the fridge's back, and being worried about the chastisement from the fridge. The fridge could lock itself, shit like that. Take it serious... but it will be funny in an ironic, satirical way. This could really become a work of magic if played right.
I like your work, Anthony. You just need to invest more time in your stories. I can see you doing very well at this. Good luck.
Oh yeah... I forgot about the fridge instalment scene... way too long. I think you could come straight to the workman removing the packaging and leaving. No dialogue needed.
WOW - thans all for the great feedback, typo's and punctuation will be tidied up accordingly.
In terms of story sepcifics...
Janet - Weight issues, agree willpower isn't the only thing, but it's the bit that Mary (and her Dad) has decided to focus on with what she thinks will help her.
Rendevous - thanks, will be looking to review in light of all the feedback.
Pigs - many thanks and thanks for the typo spots.
LC - Fitter, will fix, Decant - yep you are right, will change. Commas and punctuation, thanks will amend. Re ending, I avoided a battle with the fridge as it wasn't where I wanted it to go and I thought it may be a little too much like Demon Seed if I went that way.
Dustin - Thanks as always, formatting - consider it fixed , automaton line, is supposed to lift out of her normal character as she's in essence stressed by not been able to feed her additction. Alf is meant to be empathetic, he over orders donoughts to make her happy rather than maliciously (story sort of inspired by Robot & Frank). So totally agree it could go a different way, one to ruminate on... fitter scene, probably right... for me key was to introduce the fact Alf is AI ready and that she has a donought problem... will revise down a little.
Once again - thanks to all for the support and feedback.
Love the idea -- just not so keen on the execution. Like LC I was expecting a battle of wills between Mary and Alf. Overall it felt like this lacked conflict -- and laughs that can play from that. Alf felt a touch too human -- I get the AI angle, though there could be more fun in Mary arguing with a machine that ‘thinks’ only in black and white terms.
What’s to stop Mary from simply stepping out for more doughnuts? Alf could really be replaced with some bumbling Ocado type delivery guy or smart-app with similar results. What Alf does have is the ability to withhold food from Mary at inopportune times -- again, raising the conflict. Take this with a pinch of salt though -- just one opinion is all.
Hope this isn’t off-putting -- it’s a simple and effective idea, one you could come at from a number of angles to see what works best.
There is something darkly comic in the ending. I just didn’t feel quite so invested along the way.
‘They will have doughnuts Mary’ -- did give me a chuckle.
Best of luck with it.
Steve.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Fridge Feeder is a good title, I like it. It stood out on the portal and that's a great thing. It means I'm clicking on that thread first to see if there's a really good script to be read. Maybe you can bump up the conflict a bit by having the fridge have special computer locks that prohibit Mary from eating excessive amounts of food, so now Mary has to convince the fridge to unlock and let her snack on more food. Think of Glengarry Glen Ross, when Jack Lemmon's character has to really, really convince Kevin Spacey's character at the end. When a character really, desperately needs something from someone/something else or it's their ass, and that someone/something else ain't having it, you will have a scene that will hold your reader/viewer in the palm of your hand. That being said, the idea of a talking fridge and the final images of the flies swarming around Mary's bloated, donut smeared body, make for a creepy little short.