The Dule Tree by Steve Miles - Short, Dark, Drama - A troubled young girl befriends a man condemned to death. 9 pages - pdf, format

Hey Steve

Nicely written as usual.

SPOILERS

I had to look up what the title meant and saw it was the tree used for hanging etc so that seems to work, even if most won't know that.

Now i read this earlier on and didn't make notes so I'm going from memory.

my main issue with this is that that i found the meaning and story a little hard to follow. There were a handful of scene cuts which threw me and i wasn't wholly sure they drove the story forward. A few slugs could do with clarity or use mini's to avoid repetition.

The end appears to be open to interpretation. Was the nail from the cross of her father? Did the man kill him or was it just another cross? If so i feel it is a little to subtle, well for me anyway.

This gesture is core to the film and the power of the choice, was Rose overcomes to do this,  needs to be conveyed to deliver the message.

The scripts seems to be about forgiveness and the provision of empathy - the young girl being he one who doesn't judge and tries to help.

Could she choose not to help but to make the process gentler - i.e. justice is done but in a humane way?

The topic and the location chosen seem decent opportunities to explore these themes. Do we need to know more about rose and why she does this? Do we need to know more about him?

interested to hear more about this and your intentions

To me this doesn't quite hit the mark, but i think you have something to work on.

cheers

Tom Cynova’s Review of:


“The Dule Tree”
By Steve Miles
stevemiles80@yahoo.co.uk


*What I enjoyed about the script:

- Well-written and properly formatted

- Free of camera cues and imposed direction with focus entirely on the story

- Use of precise images and sounds to tell the story

- Smooth pacing and flowing scenes

- Distinct descriptions and highly visual making it easy to picture and imagine every moment

- Immediately draws you in allowing us to get into the story right away

- Great control over the script and a strong grip of the story, especially seen in details such as Rose using a longer stick to reach the gibbet after the experience of the previous visit, and Gale becoming increasingly anxious

- Clear understanding of visual timing with how you placed each action

- Wonderful timing of elements

- Dialogue is clean, significant, original, flowing, and very well-crafted

- Interesting and engaging characters

- Unpredictable and focused plot-line

- Few locations with focus on the situation. No unnecessary sub-plots or details, allowing us to fully explore the primary story and the best part of the story

- I’m not sure if the scratches Rose made in the wall were a visual representation of the days that have passed since Galle was found in the cage by Rose, but if it was I think it’s a great way to present the information in a way that is inherent and specific to her character

- Rose’s compassion for Galle and Galle’s admission and acceptance of his crime and punishment in order to protect Rose

- Clearly established the locations and surrounding world while keeping the story moving and in as few words as possible

- I love both of our main characters, Rose in how she remains independent from the other children in her choices and actions. She pursues Galle and without saying much, says enough in her actions toward visiting and helping the man. Galle's growing appreciation for Rose. We learn much about them during this situation

- The experience through the wall at first was a fantastic way to introduce Rose and Galle’s first interaction

- The impending sense of doom for Galle that he is fully aware of and Rose’s growing intention and plan to save him, while paying respect to the grave in which she acquired the nail to free him

- A lot is hinted at, leaving us to speculate, but not feel dissatisfied or longing for specific answers. Just enough to give us a memorable, meaningful, and satisfying end to this entrancing story

- A clear beginning, middle, and ending thoroughly exploring the characters, plot, and material where it needed to be. I was left thoroughly satisfied with how the story was executed and what came to be

- This story doesn’t need to be longer or shorter. It was the perfect length and within it’s time, achieved what it set out to do in a very simple and honest way

- I’m a little afraid for Rose trusting and freeing Galle, even if he seemed to be compassionate towards Rose. We still don’t know enough about him to believe he wouldn’t do something harmful to Rose or someone else. Rose may think she has found something good in him, enough to free him, blindly out of the goodness of her heart, yet there isn’t enough to assume it wasn’t his plan all along. He seemed curious enough when she told him about her sick mother and absence of a father. Yet, I feel there is enough there to establish that he isn’t sadistic or cruel enough to hurt this child who was the only one to show him kindness and help him

- A lot is left to ponder over, but enough is presented to leave it thought-provoking without a need for definitive closure after it’s final scene


*Personal notes, criticisms, and suggestions:

- The only real criticism or suggestion I have, is to possibly clarify or shed a little more detail on what the scratches in the wall meant. It’s also likely I am personally not able to comprehend their meaning as easily as I should

- This script is solid, skillfully crafted, and beautifully written. This is the work of a writer who is both a strong and inspired storyteller, and has honed their craft. I thoroughly enjoyed this and look forward to reading more of your works


*My Overall Rating: 9/10

Hi Steve,

My thoughts (without ref to any others)

The initial scenes as Rose approaches, I'd shorten this a little, maybe start with Rose watching him.

The dialogue that starts - 'D’you go hungry for me? Shouldn’t be so. There’s other ways.' - this seems contradictory as he says bring me something simple that won't be missed, nothing much simpler or easy to get off the table than bread.

Then she ignores him and brings bread the next time too, Maybe lose the bit about what to bring?

I figured out what was going on fairly early BUT I think this is a very effective script, well written and structured.

...

And just read Reef's comments... I liked the subtlety of the end... my read was that Galle had killed her father and she was keeping him alive to see him suffer more? I thought the image of the cross missing a nail is quite striking!

Cheers

Anthony

Steve,

I quite liked this story. Felt unusual and had some good phrasing and writing.

Being a pedant I did notice some missing or misplaced commas and apostrophes. Fixing those would help people like me who take such errors far more seriously than personal insults. I know, I should fetch my coat and get out more. I would if I could find my shoes.

I'm not quite sure what happened. With your story, I mean. Not my shoes.

But it doesn't really matter. This worked for me. The dialogue could do with a little more work. It doesn't sound quite old enough.

I hated A Field In England. But credit where it's due - they did the language sounding right. I think yours is set 1634. Shakespeare hadn't been dead long by then. It should sound a little more olde.

R

Thanks guys for taking a look -- I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.  

Tom, seen you posting around the boards -- I do like your approach to notes, very comprehensive -- hope to see something of yours posted soon.

It’s interesting to see several different takes on this.  I’ve been kicking it around for a while trying to figure out if it ‘works’ or not.  Thought it was time for the SS litmus test as I’m hoping to get this one smoothed out to perhaps enter into comps this year.

Structure-wise I wanted to keep the story as minimalist as possible, using seemingly dislocated scenes/time jumps (linear that is) to build the story.  Also wanted to slim down the exposition as it just didn’t seem right to have either character revealing much about their circumstances to one another.  To this end I’ll concede the backstory and motive are only hinted at which leaves it open to a degree of interpretation.

To clarify, Galle has murdered Rose’s father -- her motive here is revenge.  As a child she uses the only thing she has, her innocence.  With that she gives Galle the hope that she’ll bring him what he needs to escape.  In reality she’s feeding him to prolong his suffering -- waiting and watching (tallying the days on the wall) as he’s slowly driven to madness and despair.  Giving him the nail at the end (taken from her father’s grave) is her way of letting him know he was being played.

Ren -- dialogue wise I’ll work on ‘ye olde’ing it up’ at touch more.  It’s partly the reason I kept the dialogue to a minimum as I’ve little idea how folk spoke back then -- especially poorly educated ones such as these would be.  Maybe I’ll take a deep breath and have another crack at ‘A Field...’ for some ideas.  

I’ll also have a look for those missing commas.  I’m rubbish at commas.

All the best -- anytime I can return a read let me know.

Steve.

Quoted Text Structure-wise I wanted to keep the story as minimalist as possible, using seemingly dislocated scenes/time jumps (linear that is) to build the story.  Also wanted to slim down the exposition as it just didn’t seem right to have either character revealing much about their circumstances to one another.  To this end I’ll concede the backstory and motive are only hinted at which leaves it open to a degree of interpretation.

I loved this approach and the execution of the story. I like the linear jumps and I'm a fan of stories that use as little exposition as possible. I want to be able to put the pieces together myself. I viewed the story as a connection being made between two people who didn't know each other and Rose taking pity on Galle as he confronted his crime.

Quoted Text To clarify, Galle has murdered Rose’s father -- her motive here is revenge.  As a child she uses the only thing she has, her innocence.  With that she gives Galle the hope that she’ll bring him what he needs to escape.  In reality she’s feeding him to prolong his suffering -- waiting and watching (tallying the days on the wall) as he’s slowly driven to madness and despair.  Giving him the nail at the end (taken from her father’s grave) is her way of letting him know he was being played.

It crossed my mind that it could be some sort of revenge, established by the scene where she brings him bread again. But the way it plays out seemed more like she was offering him all she had at home and that her family was too poor to get anything else or simply all she had because her mother was sick. I never connected that she was doing it on purpose. She didn't seem like the vengeful type from the way I interpreted it.

Now that I know what the scratches mean, it has even greater significance and shows even more of her character than I knew. By adding such a small detail such as a vindictive look or sadness of her father, all of this would have been connected for me.

The detail that really throws it off, is that Galle didn't recognize her, but now I learn that she recognizes him instead of actually finding him for the first time. Clearly there is a need for this backstory to be established, because without it, it's almost two different stories. Both of which I would enjoy.

Brilliant writing and thanks for clarifying the details of the story. I hope to read any future revisions or versions of the script!

Steve,

Good story.  It was brooding, yet the anticipation of getting to the end made this feel longer than it is.

Your actions were well placed and not over done.  Very sparse, in fact. It added to the feel of your tale. The darkened skies over the moors...stuff like that.

I'm not quite sure what it all meant, in the respect to why Galle need a nail.  Was he planning to kill himself?  I'm sure I missed something here.

Otherwise, good writing on display. Nice job

***
After sleeping on it I was wondering if the date, 1634, had any particular significance? Also the nail could indicate a parallel with Christ. Is that relevant? Or it seems like it could be: the final nail in the coffin seeing as he pretty much knew all hope was lost. I think that's it as she kept bringing him bread--sustenance and all he wanted was a nail.

Steve

Tom,

have to say I’m actually quite taken with the idea of a ‘nice’ version of this...

That aside, in regards to them recognising each other I can see where you’re coming from.  The way I saw it they wouldn’t necessarily have seen one another before this.  Rose would only have to know that ‘the man in the cage’ was responsible for her father’s murder.  To me Galle was a drifter -- this is perhaps an important detail to include -- not something that occurred to me before.


Steve,

thanks for the read.  As regards to the nail, Galle simply wanted it to pick the lock with -- he first asks for it after Rose sees him inspecting the gibbet’s lock.  She kind of uses the hope of her bringing it to torment him.

As for the date -- it was pretty random, just as long as it fell within the era that ‘live gibbetting’ was still taking place.

Thanks again.

Steve.

Hey Steve,

You write like a painter. The tone pulls images of deep shades and vibrant characters, but its story is difficult to spot without your notes to go along with it. I felt something at the end, but with most good paintings it was an abstract feeling rather than a full blown theme. But your notes clarified it quite well.

A surfacing of Rose's motives aside from revenge should help sharpen the story I think. The dialogue was really good.

Later man,

Johnny

I thought the mood and imagery were excellent as was the economical use of language.

This is simply my own subjective opinion but I would have liked to have seen more dialogue between the girl and the prisoner. I realise you would lose something of the subtlety by doing this but these two protagonists are entirely different in every way. I thought the possibilities of placing them in juxtaposition were many. I believe this could be an incredibly moving one act play.

This is not to take anything away from the script. Well written and superbly told.

James,

thanks for taking a look.  Glad it worked for you.  I enjoy writing dialogue and would’ve gone to town on this if I could.  In this instance I wanted to keep it as minimal as possible to help keep the distance between them -- and a low page count.

All the best,

Steve.  

Steve,

Really great story.  Very impressed.

Your description/imagery was great and the story moved along swiftly.  I honestly would love to see it as a feature.  I think it'd work really well.  Not sure if you have any plans for that, but you should consider it.  It's a low budget piece with, IMHO, a high concept that I think any actor would love to work with.  I could definitely see this as an awards-type film.

-Matt