HH by Simon - Short, Horror - Inheriting a house he never knew his family owned a secret of greed will destroy him. 22 pages - pdf, format

Hi Simon, not sure if you frequent the boards at all but thought I'd give you a few (quite a few, actually)   comments.


SPOILERS:


Comments as I read:

EXT. CEMETERY

Grace stands over the top of Barry.

'he's on the floor' - do you mean ground? I'm having trouble picturing what's going on here. I gather he's kneeling by the graveside.

Btw, where's the priest? Perhaps show him closing his prayer book and walking off?

Why is OK capped?

'A lone car ON a small car park' - 'in' would be better or 'parked' however, a lone car would do or, the only car.

'Grace lets herself in the driver's side.' Do away with the rest.
'finishes off the last of a sandwich'

'My Dad bashes my Mum's skull in...'

It's not really necessary to articulate it this way i.e., it's pretty much spelled out - from the opening scene - I think your audience will get it, even though I know you're seeing the need to 'tell' your audience the relationship - this is too much exposition. Let the visuals tell the story.

'There should have been more people.' - no need for: 'at the funeral...'

He turns away from her, looks out of his passenger side
window.

'Barry stares out of the car window' - tells us just as much and we know he's turned away from her to do it.

You actually could cut a lot of description from this script that's not necessary. Give some credit to your audience.

BARRY
They’ve given me two weeks off.
GRACE
Wow, that’s nice.
BARRY
I guess murder suicide equals two
weeks off.

Barry's last line of dialogue here inadvertently reads quite comically and truthfully however, would Grace really say 'wow that's nice' considering the circumstances?!

Notwithstanding, further on:

BARRY
It's not a fucking holiday I've
been given.

Grace appears very unsympathetic and a little 'dim' for my liking.

GRACE
You hate your father for what he
did?

Well yeah, duh, he would, wouldn't he? Sorry but this dialogue is not working for me. She would more likely act in a more sympathetic way by saying something like:

'I can only guess how you must be feeling'

Better yet, cut all that dialogue and begin with him saying:

'I don't know what I'm meant to do. The thing is I still love him... and I know that's just messed up'

And, what about Mum? No mention of her at all? Why was it not a double funeral? Visually that would be more effective for horror fans.

The entire scene in the bedroom after the funeral is also not working for me, sorry. The guy just lost his mother and father/murder suicide and Grace comes off as a bitch. I'd personally include the Sex and Death scene. I mean what is Grace's problem? She's not into relieving the guy's pain at all??   You shut down that scene and Grace just comes off as weird. Why in God's name would Barry even want to be with her?

Why is the letter on the floor? How'd it get there? If it was through the front door mail shute, then describe that.

Why again on page 6 is OK capped in Grace's dialogue?? What is this signifying? Grace's angry tone?

Delete the CONT'D's in dialogue unless the dialogue continues onto the next page. There's no need for them.

'an associate of your late father' - plural not needed here.

'father's work' insert apostrophe.

I think it would be more exciting if Sven offered more money upfront.

'a lot more than what he's offering' - don't need the 'what'

Page 11. Why does Grace say: 'why are you doing this to me?'

Top of page 12:

"Picturing
in his mind all the things he could do." This aside is not necessary - his smile achieves this.

Page 14

"The recipe, half a pint of pigs blood. Sage. Parsley. Two
cups of sugar. Half a pound of pork. Freshly pealed skin of
an apple. Chicken bones. Ground limestone. Two handfuls of
dried pine tree leaves."

Though a little clichéd this at least intrigued me at page 14, (a little late though) and made me think, finally some 'story'. The 'random letter' however, I really don't know what I'm looking at there. Is it a letter of the alphabet or a letter to someone?? Okay, now I'm getting it, but describe it better than this.

"He then split the letters off into words." This sentence could be better phrased as in he's making words out of the letters correct? And 'split' should be plural 'splits'.

'There was a fire put here.' Either say: 'there was a fire here' or: 'looks like the remnants of a fire-pit', something like that.

"Barry sits at the table with Sven, who’s today dressed in
blue short summer suit."

Apart from bad grammar, I hope his attire is going to have some relevance. And no... turns out it doesn't.

'Thanks, but no thanks.' Insert comma. page 16

"Inside Sven a rage is building. His lips quiver." Too much telling going on in the first sentence. Perhaps his face goes beet red, and his lips quiver?

Okay, now the money's going up. I still think Sven would've started higher if he was going to end up offering this much and it obviously means so much for him to make the sale.

'He collects UP all the bags.' No need for the 'up'.

"Pours the pigs blood out all over it.'
No need for the 'out' in this instance, and it should be 'pig's blood' or 'pigs' blood'.

"He then set up and lights a ring of fire around the edge of the hole."
Better phrase might be something like:

'Barry lights a match. A ring of fire ignites the hole.'

Sorry, but Grace is just a complete killjoy. Even if she suspects something's going on that might have bad consequences the magic trick that just occurred with the gold coins would surely elicit some reaction other than 'stop it' and 'I'm leaving'.

"You’re not going to force me to watch you destroy yourself." Really? Does this woman even love this man? Plus, it doesn't make a lick of sense that she would know enough of what's going on or its ramifications that she would come to this conclusion.

"the sheds door shakes"
Apart from the missing apostrophe, this would more likely be: 'the shed door shakes' or 'the door to the shed shakes.'

"I tired to help you." page 20 typo: 'tried'.

"Something is suddenly wrong." No need for the 'suddenly' in this instance. 'Something is wrong' is far more effective.

"He’s horrified."

I bet he is, but this is telling. Perhaps he reels back and falls on his arse, or his eyes bulge with horror? Show us how he's actually horrified and what we as the audience would see on screen.

"A man now stands over Barry.'
It reaches down both its hands and chokes him."

A man in one instance, but then 'it' reaches down' ??
No need for the 'now' btw. And, 'it' could be better described imh. I understand he's man/beast effectively but this doesn't read well at all.

"Barry is powerless."

"Grace turns to witness, can only scream."

Really? This script overall reads like a rush job to me. How exactly is Barry powerless. Show me.

'Grace turns to witness; can only scream' - needs a semi colon, or make it two sentences.  A comma won't cut it here.

"Finished with Barry the monster then attacks her."

Insert comma following 'Barry'.

Simon, this is film. 'Finished with Barry?' How? Is Barry lying on the ground a bloody mess of ripped intestines and brain matter?

'And then attacks her'? How exactly?

Your FADE out should technically be on the other side and there's no real need for THE END, but each to their own.

Overall Comments:

The writing comes off as a rush job.

You could do with a lot of cutting of scenes. Get into the scene at the latest point possible and then get out. For example the bedroom scene and then waking to find the letter could be economised and result in a much faster read. Ditto for most of the scenes throughout.

Proofread and cut a lot of the unnecessary description double-ups (i.e. when you can say all you need to say in one sentence, leave it at that) & exposition.

Paint your picture visually - lose a lot of the 'telling' and describe to me what I am seeing on screen.

And, you might want to rethink Grace's character. She's oozes hostility and doesn't appear to be on Barry's side at all, considering what Barry has just gone through this is a fatal character flaw if you ask me. Perhaps you decided her character is the voice of reason and she is the one to alert impending danger however at the moment she's coming off very 'one note' and doesn't seem to react to what's going on in a natural or believable way. Most people/characters have more than one side to them. Don't create a character for convenience sake to enable your plot points.

The dialogue doesn't always ring true. Try reading it out loud to yourself.

The main prob. I had with the actual story was that I didn't really feel much of a sense of danger or suspense.

I was intrigued on page 14 when the 'spell' came into the story, but then everything happened in a very linear fashion with no real surprises. The 'gold coin' angle is different, so kudos with that, however the story behind it doesn't really explain to me why the father ended up killing the mother. If she's meant to echo the character of 'logic and reason' in Grace okay, I get that, but overall I don't really see the motive for murder or the logic of the premise. Perhaps I missed something? But, I don't think so.

Finally, Sven apparently believes himself the only worthy benefactor of the secret and the treasure, but really, by the end of the story I'm finding the outcome a little underwhelming.

My advice is, you need to work on the 'story' quite a bit more, and make it a little more exciting and intriguing.