Marilyn
Lots of “telling” and not enough “showing” in the prose.
“They’re lost in each other until Aimee pulls away and says”
- I would never write “and says” it’s unnecessary. The following dialogue is self evident.
Use actions to convey how a character is feeling instead of spelling it out for us. For example:
“That pulls the plug on Noah. He looks away from her,
distancing himself from her.
- Could be rewritten simply as: “Noah pulls away for her, avoids eye contact.”
AIMEE
Never, so quit asking.
- Noah, you are 30 years old, dump this frigid bit?h now!
“Aimee puts her head on his shoulder and falls asleep but
Noah lies awake, remembering...”
- Jesus, that passionate moment sure passed quickly. Just like that she was turned off. See above note for what I think Noah should do with this woman.
NOAH
Hi. Someday you’re going to be my
wife.
- Hell of an opening line. I must admit it made me laugh. I can see why he has trouble with woman as suggested in the opening scene with Aimee.
Although, in the very next scene he’s with Ginny and the montage indicates he knew what he was talking about so fair play to him, he's a confident chap.
NOAH
(groans)
You mean I have to forgo drinks
with the guys?
- I know it’s only the second page so I don’t really know Noah’s character that well but would he use the term “forgo”. It reads awkward.
“Noah is deep in memory mode,”
- The term “memory mode” gave me chuckle. I wonder could you replace it with “thought” reads more natural. Not a big deal though.
NOAH
Almost. I’ll wake up fully if you
show your naked self to me.
Otherwise, leave me be.
- Again, I’m laughing at the phrasing, very odd but amusing in its own way. Is it your intention to have Noah talk in such a stilted manner like this?
“Aimee grabs her sweatpants, yanks them on, puts on her
blouse, sans bra, her back to Noah.”
- I thought she won’t get naked around him? This tells us she was topless.
AIMEE
You’re carrying a torch for someone
else then.
- Another example or rather on-the-nose, unnatural dialogue, in my opinion. Aimee has just been soundly rejected by Noah after confessing her love…twice. I just don’t believe she would use language like this given the situation. Again, perhaps you are going for laughs.
NOAH
If it’s any consolation, something
about you grabbed me, too. And not
in the crotch, either.
- Ok now I’m convinced you are going for humour. It’s just the story has dramatic weight with the flashback and the news Ginny had for Noah which we’re not told explicitly but can surmise it caused the end of their relationship. It seems like Noah is harbouring pain but the tone of the script is all over the place, from humour to drama so I’m finding it difficult to get to grips with it.
NOAH (CONT’D)
Four years ago we decided to have a
family. Everything was fine until
she went into labor. She called me
at work, weak and scared, and told
me to come home right away. There
was a wreck on the freeway ... it
was an hour before I got home. I
found Ginny lying in a pool of
blood. The baby’s head was the only
thing that had come out. I could
tell that it was dead. I called an
ambulance. Ginny was unconscious
and barely breathing. The
paramedics had to pry her away from
me.
- A prime example of what I’m talking about. This is a very tragic, horrific back-story, totally out of step with how Noah was talking to Aimee and the script’s tone in general. It feels like it comes from a different story. Things have gotten very serious all of a sudden.
AIMEE
What a burden you’ve carried.
- True, it is a horrendous ordeal for Noah to have gone through and I see why he is so afraid of being told “I love you” but it still doesn’t justify the manner in which he turned Aimee down. Did he have to be so rude about it? If this were a comedy I would understand but the script has moved into serious drama territory in the last page or so.
NOAH
I didn’t know if it was a boy
or a girl. I found out later it was
a girl.
- This reads contradictory and a little silly. Maybe just say:
“I found out later it was a girl.”
AIMEE
I was the heart patient! I was in
that hospital waiting for a new
heart on April 17th!
- No way. Too coincidental, sorry not buying this “twist” at all. It has some saving grace in that it’s set up with her mentioning the scars but it feels so contrived.
I think this needs a lot of work. You’ve got the makings of a story, some moments of humour but the biggest problems are tone and the dialogue which is woefully on-the-nose and clunky at times, so much so that I thought you were being funny. However, the last third of the script gets very real so I took it that you weren’t.
Also, it suffers from a rather fuzzy message. I mean, what are we supposed to take away from the ending? Because Aimee has Ginny’s heart he is going to love her now? That’s just creepy and Aimee shouldn’t want to be with this guy if that’s the case.
Col.