A Southerly Blows by Daniel Botha - Short, Horror - While out on an illegal fishing trip, two friends are attacked by an unknown being. 13 pages - pdf, format

Always excited to read a new Daniel Botha short!

I don't think you need the "A beautiful day." since your description creates a beautiful day. Cloudless sky. Shining sun. Gentle sway of the breeze.

You describe Amanda as nine but then her dad calls her ten. The audience doesn't know your description, but you should still be consistent.

Once we're inside the house, you can use AMANDA'S BEDROOM on its own, without the rest of the full slug. Use the full slug again once you change time of day, though.

How do you describe Amanda's face? "pure hatred" is telling. Is her brow furrowed? Arms crossed across her chest? Get creative.

Has the jetty weathered over the years? Do people keep up the shoreline? Describe the new scene.

As far as the story, it's good, but nothing original. Most of the dialogue and descriptions are good, but it seems like the focus is more on Amanda and her family than on the present day teens. Your logline implies the opposite.

I think you need to rethink your story. Good luck.

Hi Dan - been a while?

p1 Amanda raises to her feet -- rises?

p2 a somewhat fatigues look about him -- fatigued?

p3 She taps the glass. Amanda reaches for a small pill bottle. -- missing conjunction?

p4. Under a willow tree, Amanda sits. -- you've passified this, and it doesn't really flow with the read.

p5 Amanda reaches for Mark’s hand. As she does, she sinks.
  AMANDA
Help me!
-- I pictured her head being underwater, until she spoke?

p6 MAN
Little Girl!
--Huh?

p7 --then the man figures out what her name is?

Okay -- interesting piece. Kinda telegraphed the end a little too soon, and it never really shifted into any unexpected territory.

Well told all in all, but I felt some of the scenes could have been shortened here and there. I got a little confused at the end just after they righted the boat (which is tricky to do in itself) - but on re-reading, it's clearer. I'm not sure Amanda would kill him though? It kinda felt like she'd already made her point at this stage.

Nice piece anyway, interesting.

Hi guys,

Wow Don, you got this one up quickly! Thanks for that and for all you do for the screenwriters of the world.

I haven't been here for a while. In fact, it's been so long that I don't actually recognize Forgive. Did you go by a different username when I was last here? Sorry :?

Anyway, a bit of a backstory for this one. Yes, to those who don't know me, I am familiar with all the basic SS rules. I know that you guys are only willing to pitch in if I share the love with you. Yes, I do plan on making a return to posting to SS. I actually found myself having withdrawal symptoms after I found myself browsing the site and wanting to be a part of the community again. So, I thought I'd find myself an excuse to return. This wee short is that excuse.

First of all, I am well aware that it's not very good. I wrote this approximately a year ago and I haven't posted it here, until now. I'm afraid my writing is a little rusty as I haven't been at the old screenwriting thing for quite some time. Forgive me.

Onto the feedback.

Austin, thank you for cracking this one open. As usual you have pointed out some errors, which I never would have picked up by myself. You've also pointed out some things that any writer really should naturally think about such as the slightly worn out jetty. That would be a paerfect touch.

Forgive (whoever you are, whether I know you or not) thank you for the read. You've pointed out some typos, which I'm surprised I let slip by. Silly me, I should have done some proof-reading. I was a little confused with your comment about the conjunction. I know what a conjunction is, I just can't see any place where one might be included in your example. If you could elaborate that would be great. Interesting point about Amanda not killing the two fisherman. To a certain extent I agree. However, I do think that to have her terrorize these two men and then just leave them alone would be somewhat anti-climatic on film. I don't know, that's just how I see it.

Thanks again for the read, folks.

Dan,

Forgive would be SiColl007.

Anyway, as for A Southerly Blows - I liked the first half of it.  Amanda is cute with what everyone thinks is a "strange" interest in fish.  I liked the scene at the dinner table and her cool little scene in the bedroom where she feeds her pet fish and then just for the hell of it, she tries some of the fishy food herself.  That was great.  She became very likable very fast.  She has this fascination with fish.  She likes fish.  It's what intrigues her, makes her happy - awesome.  Good for her.  Fuck everyone else.  They were really pissing me off and I was with Amanda the whole way.

That dinner scene was great, too.  I liked how you made the dad a real asshole without going overboard or hammering it in our faces.  A few simple cold, flat lines of dialogue from him and a never ending glare from his wife, and boom, you just SHOWED us what that house is like, what that marriage is like.  IN ONE SCENE.  Phenomenal writing.

As for Amanda's death, I'm a little iffy on this.  I get that she had to die for the other half of the story but honestly, the other half of the story falls flat and just doesn't work for me.  It turns into lame horror and the dialogue "Amanda says..." is so bad and goofy that I started to wonder just what the hell went wrong with this.  I don't know what went wrong, I don't know where you could have taken the story after Amanda's death - hell, I don't even think she should have died in the first place - but one thing I do know, the other half of this story just does not work.  Not for me.  I think you need to seriously re-think this one.

The last part of my review might seem harsh, but I did like the first half of this story and you're a really good writer, man, seriously.  I took a lot away from this read and definitely gained from it, especially from that dinner scene.  I'll try to accomplish such writing like that in my features, if I can.

By the way, what software do you use?  I like the look of it.


Steve

Dan - I know you can do better than this. I was a little disappointed that it didn't deliver Dan Botha quality work.

If you wanted it to be about Amanda and her life, then write that. If you want a horror story about a girl who haunts a lake to save the fishes, or if she somehow becomes a fish herself (think Catwoman in Batman Returns), then do that.

I was hoping that somehow, her fascination with fish, and that she eats the fish food, would turn her into a mermaid or something. But a terrifying killer mermaid that will kill you.

Hey Dan. Yeah, I stuck in a question mark on a couple of those, but:

Amanda sits on her bed, watching a tiny goldfish in a bowl.
She taps the glass. Amanda reaches for a small pill bottle.

Amanda sits on her bed, watching a tiny goldfish in a bowl.
She taps the glass, and reaches for a small pill bottle.

...so I wouldn't have the second Amanda, as she's already specified, so you could have used the conjunction instead - just reads a little better.