Grab Me by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror - A small girls wish comes true when she wins a new doll at the fair, not all wishes should though. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Anthony,

In the past couple of weeks I've read a couple of your scripts and enjoyed them both, unfortunately I wasn't a huge fan of this one. I'll begin with your longline, for one it reads a bit awkward at the end plus in the longline you mention that a girls wish comes true when she wins a doll. Now maybe I misread the story but the dad won the doll and the girl never wished for anything that I saw. The story itself started off alright but once the family got home everything slowed down to the point that I kept wondering if the doll was going to do something. You have a great setup where the doll is alone with Lucy in the room but I feel you didn't take advantage of it until the very end. As it stands I also believe you could trim a couple of pages off too and still get the story across.

Hate to sound harsh, not my intention, so I'm sorry if I offended you. You have a decent story but it needs a little fleshing out to really shine.

Anthony, put an apostrophe in your logline is my first advice - first impressions 'n all that i.e., 'girl's wish'.

The really good thing about your story is that you did evoke some nice imagery and it had some terrific pacing. I was along for the ride and enjoying it a lot. I was really looking forward to what was going to happen... but then it just peters out imh.

The thing about 'doll' stories is that they've been done quite a lot, so something out of the ordinary and predictable really needs to happen. As a result it was just a little anti-climactic.

Thanks DV and LV, your reads and comments are always appreciated, and no DV not too harsh at all and I'm not offended in the slightest.

Re wishing for the doll, well the logline is meant to get someone interested enough to want to read the script, and by it's nature it's also meant to be economical in my defence she tells her Dad how much she want's the doll and I'm not sure him winning it for her alters the intent very much.

I kept away from the doll being alive in the first scene in the bedroom (beyond reference to sparkling) because I thought that seemed the more obvious choice. I wanted to maintain the mystery a little and the fact you (DV) were kept wondering was what I was going for.

DV - page trim, very possibly, one for next draft.

LV - totally agree re the ending, it feels flat and a little abrupt, I'm sure it would work if filmed right BUT I'm not happy with it, so will be working on that aspect for sure.

Again many thanks for the comments

Anthony

Anthony, just a thought re your ending given that you're not entirely happy with it yourself.

Towards the end of your story the mother character mentions that the little girl might get injured by the sharp edges of the doll.  Lines of dialogue or indeed ideas introduced like that should not be wasted imo, they should have follow through.

The doll ends up on the shelf because of the mother that would likely make the doll angry. Given that, and perhaps also if you alluded to the fact the little girl is upset with her mother because of that (or maybe, make the mother a step mother) you could then have a real twist.

You could also incorporate some conflict at the top of the script when Dad is struggling hard to get the doll for his 'baby' - Mum or Stepmum seems in a hurry to get home - perhaps the kid is spoiled - Daddy does everything for her etc. See where I'm going? Make your plot a little more involved and introduce conflict between all three characters. Hope I'm not being too obscure.

Hi Anthony,

I agree with the others that the ending is not satisfying, but it is an overall well-written script and I enjoyed reading it.

Maybe you should experiment a little bit with the idea of "grabbing" in order to discover new possibilities. For example, what if Dolly tried to "grab" Lucy emotionally and mentally, and distance her from her parents? Just a rough idea.

Anyway, this is good enough as it is. Maybe you just need to change the ending.

Take care,
Manolis

LC - thanks for the additional thoughts re the ending, will add those ideas into the mix, appreciated.

Monolis - thanks for the read appreciated and will have a think about potential to extend the 'grab me' element into the story.

Many thanks

Anthony

Hi Anthony,

enjoyable script overall.

Not to pile on but the ending feels more like the beginning of another tangent that we

are then cut off from. Maybe the end could incorporate the dissonance between the parents and

child (i.e.: they end up just playing - parents think its something different etc.). May have to extend the

ending scene at least.

Hey Anthony,

This has a good setup, but no real payoff. This script is categorized as horror, but there's nothing really here that makes me go, "That was scary." Yes, the doll moves, but there's not a genuine moment of horror for the reader to believe the doll is malevolent or to be feared, other than the dad saying the doll is ugly. But why would the dad work so laboriously for a doll he didn't even like in the first place? I didn't quite buy it.

If you can manage to give this thing some pop towards the end, you might have something here. But as it is now, it feels like the beginning to an unfinished feature, and it just kind of fizzles.

Keep writing.

Chris

Thanks Nick and Sham, really appreciate the read.

This one is on the back burner at the moment, as you say the ending isn't satisfying/chilling enough... now waiting for inspiration to strike

Sham - re working for something for your daughter that you don't like... do that most days as a Dad

Thanks

Anthony