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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Cacklers Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 19th, 2014, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Cacklers by E.Charles - Short - This script is a character study about certain mean-spirited young modern females.  4 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 23rd, 2014, 3:13pm
typo in title
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nemo
Posted: June 23rd, 2014, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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Haha is this a joke of sorts?

You should probably use periods when your characters finish speaking.
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c m hall
Posted: June 24th, 2014, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Since the characters are not named and their conversation devolves from repulsive words to repulsive sounds, the most powerful element of this short script seems to be the loathing of the writer for the characters.  Loathing can be especially effective when it's precise.  
Editing and punctuation are important.  
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 24th, 2014, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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A few thoughts...

1) I'd name the characters rather than number them.
2) So fat her face looks like melted cheese... not sure that this works as an insult.
3) Punctuation, sentences of dialogue should still be punctuated with a .
4) You don't need the end/start of page Continued's.
5) I expected the end would be some sort of punchline, like 'Hey girls, wanna share some food... donoghts all round?' but it just seeed a little flat.
6) I'm not sure if this is just too mean for my taste, but I think there's more humour in pointing the mirror more at the girls rather than a stream of fat jokes - just my opinion of course.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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13thChamber
Posted: July 3rd, 2014, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, this is pretty mean spirited. Definitely characters I didn't like (the use of a racial comment to make them more villainous) so, if that were your intentions, it worked...a bit.
Honestly, this seems like something more personal, like you're venting (hence the lack of character names), and seems to have been written in haste. Plus, you use camera directions right off the bat. For a script, this is no good. Describe what is seen, not what an audience in a theatre will see. That's for the director. I also kind of agree with Anthony's number 6 statement. I felt this to be kind of "bitter" and an opportunity was missed with the girls talking all this shit about others, not really realizing they themselves are very disgusting people.


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