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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Darth Crusoe & Sir Mandibles: Nevermore Defenders Moderators: bert
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  Author    Darth Crusoe & Sir Mandibles: Nevermore Defenders  (currently 3663 views)
Don
Posted: June 29th, 2014, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Darth Crusoe & Sir Mandibles: Nevermore Defenders by Lee Cordner (Leegion) - Comedy, Action, SciFi, Fantasy, Thriller - After the spontaneous combustion of his last partner, a dimwitted cop is paired with an alien from outer-space to take on a super evil elf.  - pdf, format


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Wow, Lee, we both started our new scripts around the same time and here you're with yours completed, and mine is only 20 pages long. haha.  You saw some of my comments in a different thread after I checked out your first 18.  I got a bit further, but like I said last time, I think you took the whole idea of something "we never seen before" a little too far.  I think you overloaded us with too much of this world too:  Aliens, mandibles, bugs, humanoid frogs, demons, angels, playing poker, all this crazy shit, haha -- but it's not really my main problem.

Our 2 leads are just too dumb for me.  I think my IQ lowered each time Connor and Norin interacted.  Yes, there were some laugh out loud moments sprinkled throughout the script, but these 2 cats are just plain dumb.  It doesn't help either that they don't appear to give a hoot about the case that they're assigned.  It's an 84 page script, you gotta get the ball rolling with these guys and what they have to achieve.  But if our leads don't seem to care about solving the case or stopping the bad guy, then I won't care either.

Take Rush Hour for instance.  That's a comedy with two leads who are totally opposite from each other, but both characters have something invested in the case, both characters have something on the line, and if they don't reach their goal of catching the bad guy and stopping his operation:  it's their ass.  I know you tried to go for that "exceptional" element -- and this is just me, others may disagree -- but I don't think you succeeded with this one.  There's a lot of really out there things going on in the script, but I don't think it helped.  I don't even think I could take the script seriously to begin with, and honestly, I'm ashamed to say that.  It was just too much for me.  In the end, even though this wasn't for me at all, I benefited from what I was able to read and I sure gained some writing tips from this one.
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Leegion
Posted: June 29th, 2014, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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It's basically Dumb and Dumber: On an Island with Volcanoes.  Never really intended it to be "serious", as you could tell, haha.

I wrote it, primarily, to get out of the block I was in.  In that regard, the script succeeds, as now I have an army of ideas floating around in my head for what I want to do next, starting with the 1+6 week challenge here on SS, which will have that exceptional element and be written, in many ways, as clean as this one.  

From a technical standpoint, this is my most impressive looking script.  From a story and character standpoint, yeah... not really.  It's funny, it has its moments, but it will never go any further than a zany, off-the-walls script loaded with insanity.

So thanks, Steve, for reading the script.  I hope you did get some laughs out of it, as was the intention.  To anyone cracking this open, don't take it seriously for a second, just read it if you need a laugh-out-loud moment to brighten your day.

-Lee
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 30th, 2014, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Lee, it's downright amazing to me how quickly you churn out feature scripts.  Seriously...never seen anyone write more, quicker.

When this new idea of yours was being discussed last week, I asked you (based on the info you provided about the story) if you were serious about this, and you responded that you were.  Well, I read the first 8 or so pages here and IMO, this is a big old pisser in every way.

Now, maybe what I call a pisser and what others call a pisser, are two completely different things, but in my book, this is definitely a pisser and not something that anyone could take seriously.

You've got ridiculous sight gags going on in every scene.  You have ridiculous dialogue gags going on in every scene.  In fact, you have so many gags of every kind going on, on every page, that it becomes a hit or miss deal that will drive some crazy, while possibly sending others to tears laughing.  And not to be mean, but I doubt the latter will rule, as the gags/jokes are whacky, illogical, repetitive, juvenile, cliche, and complete head scratchers.

When I asked you who your intended audience was last week, you said "everyone and anyone, including kids".  No way do I see this appealing to any children, at least in the first 8 pages or so.  You start off with Clint Eastwood references and sight gags from various films of his from the 60's, 70's, and 80's, which no children should really relate to or maybe even be aware of.  Then you go to a comedy skit very reminiscent of Abbott & Costello's "Who's on First" sketch from the 30's that delves into some rather extreme comedy violence, that again, is not for children, IMO.  Even the Asian character's speech pattern an the problems that it causes, come off as borderline racist, and again not for children.

I honestly don't get what you're going for, who you're writing for, or why you're spending your time in this vein.

Now, listen, brother - if anyone loves writing and even reading pissers, it's me, but there's no way in Hell I'm reading a 90 page feature that appears to be 1 sketch/gag after another, which parody works from the last 70/80 years.  And I  just don't know who will.

Humor is obviously very subjective and although I sure can crack myself up with some of my pissers, it never suprises me one bit that others are not only not amused, but actually upset that I wasted their time.

If writing this helped you in some way get over what you referred to as your writer's block (although you've written more features in the last 6 months than most writers write in their entire life, then that's good.  If you enjoyed writing this, or enjoy reading this over, that's also good.

My advice, however, is still the same as it was a number of months ago - slow it down, man.  Watch movies, both good movies and bad movies.  See what makes the good ones good, and the bad ones bad.  See what works and what doesn't work.  Analyze why.  Pay attention to dialogue.  Pay attention to action and character's reactions.

I truly believe that good ideas/concepts/premises can come to a writer ratehr easily, but developing them into a good script takes real time.  Planning out how scenes play out, how dialogue exchanges play out, how action scenes play out - this all takes serious time to get right...and then, you have to write it in a way that also works, and comes across visually, and powerfully.

I wish you the best, bro and think you're developing into a good writer, but IMO, you MUST slow it down and stop churning out scripts like a factory assembly line.    


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Leegion
Posted: June 30th, 2014, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Lee, it's downright amazing to me how quickly you churn out feature scripts.  Seriously...never seen anyone write more, quicker.


Appreciate that.  Gracias.


Quoted from Dreamscale
When this new idea of yours was being discussed last week, I asked you (based on the info you provided about the story) if you were serious about this, and you responded that you were.  Well, I read the first 8 or so pages here and IMO, this is a big old pisser in every way.

Now, maybe what I call a pisser and what others call a pisser, are two completely different things, but in my book, this is definitely a pisser and not something that anyone could take seriously.


I was serious about it... then I went off-course.  Actually, I bought a plane ticket in the opposite direction.  I consider pissers as things you'll laugh non-stop at, to coin the term "piss myself laughing".  If it is a pisser, so be it, it's funny and damn sure stupid so... I have no clue where the heck this went or why, it just went there.


Quoted from Dreamscale
You've got ridiculous sight gags going on in every scene.  You have ridiculous dialogue gags going on in every scene.  In fact, you have so many gags of every kind going on, on every page, that it becomes a hit or miss deal that will drive some crazy, while possibly sending others to tears laughing.  And not to be mean, but I doubt the latter will rule, as the gags/jokes are whacky, illogical, repetitive, juvenile, cliche, and complete head scratchers.


That's what I was going for really.  It'll either annoy people, or make them laugh their backsides off.  It was never really intended to be anything else, and the title kinda gives that assumption from the get-go, haha.  

What I was going for here was a story so hilarious, that NO ONE in their right mind would ever be able to consider this anything other than a riot of a good time not intended to be anything but a downright bucket of insanity loaded with some of the most "illogical, juvenile and whacky" moments.  


Quoted from Dreamscale
When I asked you who your intended audience was last week, you said "everyone and anyone, including kids".  No way do I see this appealing to any children, at least in the first 8 pages or so.  You start off with Clint Eastwood references and sight gags from various films of his from the 60's, 70's, and 80's, which no children should really relate to or maybe even be aware of.  Then you go to a comedy skit very reminiscent of Abbott & Costello's "Who's on First" sketch from the 30's that delves into some rather extreme comedy violence, that again, is not for children, IMO.  Even the Asian character's speech pattern an the problems that it causes, come off as borderline racist, and again not for children.


I'm only 24, never seen a Clint Eastwood movie in my life, just a scene or a cover for one of his movies.  Again, kids would find it funny in the latter stages, early-on it's adult oriented with the violence, then it becomes downright silly.

I didn't mean to offend people with the Chinese dude, if I did, I sincerely apologize.


Quoted from Dreamscale
I honestly don't get what you're going for, who you're writing for, or why you're spending your time in this vein.


Fun.  Spending time to get the crap out of my head so I can write more coherent, well-thought tales that deliver much more of a punch.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Now, listen, brother - if anyone loves writing and even reading pissers, it's me, but there's no way in Hell I'm reading a 90 page feature that appears to be 1 sketch/gag after another, which parody works from the last 70/80 years.  And I  just don't know who will.


It is pretty much the same throughout.  Even the ending contradicts the whole thing, making it utterly pointless (somewhat of a jab at myself for doing it).  


Quoted from Dreamscale
Humor is obviously very subjective and although I sure can crack myself up with some of my pissers, it never suprises me one bit that others are not only not amused, but actually upset that I wasted their time.


I agree with this.


Quoted from Dreamscale
If writing this helped you in some way get over what you referred to as your writer's block (although you've written more features in the last 6 months than most writers write in their entire life, then that's good.  If you enjoyed writing this, or enjoy reading this over, that's also good.


When you take into account what I've written over the last 6 months it's really not that big, when you think about it.  Most of them have been rewrites:

Age of Shadows - The Guardian of Time
Fracture - Precognition
Liminality - Shards

I believe that's all I've written.  Well, Bitterroot is one of them but it's nothing more than a vomit draft.


Quoted from Dreamscale
My advice, however, is still the same as it was a number of months ago - slow it down, man.  Watch movies, both good movies and bad movies.  See what makes the good ones good, and the bad ones bad.  See what works and what doesn't work.  Analyze why.  Pay attention to dialogue.  Pay attention to action and character's reactions.


Exactly what I have been doing.  However, I've not been taking note of much other than how scenes function.  Dialogue, I don't get from movies, I never, EVER, take the work of others and consider that standard.

With dialogue, I simply listen to real conversations.  Recently, I went to a police station in my town, there was an interview going on, which was more of a test for the cop (the suspect was another cop acting as a, well, a suspect) and I learned a few things from the interview about what police actually do when questioning suspects, and how suspects react during these interviews: nervous, twitchy, distracted.

Other dialogue I pick up on the street.  Random tidbits of information, a phone call or an argument.  That's where most of the dialogue in my (real) scripts come from these days.


Quoted from Dreamscale
I truly believe that good ideas/concepts/premises can come to a writer ratehr easily, but developing them into a good script takes real time.  Planning out how scenes play out, how dialogue exchanges play out, how action scenes play out - this all takes serious time to get right...and then, you have to write it in a way that also works, and comes across visually, and powerfully.


Another agree from me, Jeff.  I do think of things easily, then they develop poorly.  The only script on these boards that is great of mine, is Age of Shadows, and that's because I've been working on the world for 12 years.

My OWC too.  I've 6 weeks to write the thing, so I'm gonna write 2/3 scenes per day whilst juggling other projects.  I already know where everything ends up.  But I'd like to get it produced, so I'll take my time with it.


Quoted from Dreamscale
I wish you the best, bro and think you're developing into a good writer, but IMO, you MUST slow it down and stop churning out scripts like a factory assembly line.


I am trying to slow it down.  I write 2 - 4 scripts a month depending on what they are, I only upload scripts that I think people would like to read.  This one is only here due to me announcing it.  

The Killer of Bleak Falls, for example, is another of my nutty comedies.  The reason you've not seen that is because it's not finished (can't figure an ending).  However, that comedy is far more than this one.  It's funny, but not overpowering.  It's out there, but not as out there as this one.  Not full of running gags or parodies either.

Guess I'll try to slow it down to 1 script per month uploaded rather than 2, I had AoS earlier this month, and this one at the end, so for July I'll take a break from uploading scripts and focus primarily on developing more powerful stories.

My OWC for example, is the most emotional and powerful script I've ever written, which is why I'm taking my time NOT to write it too quickly.

Thanks for taking the time.  Maybe one day I'll write a script you'll read in its fullest.

-Lee
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Leegion
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I actually apologize for uploading this.  Not sure what I was thinking.

I'll leave it on the boards, but I'll not respond to any comments on it as I don't want this associated with my name.

-Lee
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Angry Bear
Posted: June 30th, 2014, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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Don't be too hard on yourself. I can promise you I've read much stranger/worse scripts. Writing is all about being creative and you were. Maybe the script isn't ever going to get filmed, but you wrote something. You created something from nothing. You should at least be able to be proud of that.

Been there, done that.  


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Dressel
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Quoted from Leegion
I actually apologize for uploading this.  Not sure what I was thinking.

I'll leave it on the boards, but I'll not respond to any comments on it as I don't want this associated with my name.

-Lee


Lee,

Don't apologize.  I think it's great that you're writing so much.  You're exercising your brain and honing your skills.  Now that you've pushed this script out, you might have made way for something even better (as you say about your OWC).  If, in the end, you're not happy with this script, look at it as an exercise.  See what bits and pieces you can take from it to adapt to later scripts.

But don't feel bad.  Some people would kill to be able to write as much as you do.

-Matt


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Leegion
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Quoted from Angry Bear
Don't be too hard on yourself. I can promise you I've read much stranger/worse scripts. Writing is all about being creative and you were. Maybe the script isn't ever going to get filmed, but you wrote something. You created something from nothing. You should at least be able to be proud of that.

Been there, done that.  


It's not that.  I'm proud of creating something.  But...in creating this, I may have insulted people with how I made the Chinese guy speak.  I clearly wasn't thinking about "PC" when I wrote it and that kinda makes me feel wrong.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm not happy about writing him the way I did.  Kinda makes me feel like an a-hole.


Quoted from Dressel


Lee,

Don't apologize.  I think it's great that you're writing so much.  You're exercising your brain and honing your skills.  Now that you've pushed this script out, you might have made way for something even better (as you say about your OWC).  If, in the end, you're not happy with this script, look at it as an exercise.  See what bits and pieces you can take from it to adapt to later scripts.

But don't feel bad.  Some people would kill to be able to write as much as you do.

-Matt


Matt,

I have found something... it's just what Jeff said about the "racist" thing that bothers me.  I can see now that it IS borderline racist.  Not that it was my intention, I was just writing and it came out, but it does bother me and that's the issue.

-Lee
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 30th, 2014, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Lee, if my post offended you, hurt you, or even pissed you off, that was not my intention...and I think you know that.

I'll say this, as I think I said earlie - I did laugh...several times.  There is funny shit here and as a pisser, it can be very funny.  Many, many filsm that have been very successful are goofy, sily, and pisserish as all shit.  You know that.  We all know that.

My point(s) are as they alweays have been - I think you're pushing yourself too hard...or maybe you need some other outlets.  Writing can be great and all that do so, know trhis..but there should be otehr things you also enjoy and at times, (I think) you should do those other things.

You get me?  

Be cool, Lee, because you are cool.  What you'r able to do is something that very, VERY few others can even dream about - writing numeruos feature scripts in days, weeks, and months.

Please don't be upset with me, or I'll stop posting in SS, period, and maybe peeps will PK you not to respond in hopes that I do just that.

Peace out, bro.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 30th, 2014, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Leegion
But...in creating this, I may have insulted people with how I made the Chinese guy speak.  I clearly wasn't thinking about "PC" when I wrote it and that kinda makes me feel wrong.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm not happy about writing him the way I did.  Kinda makes me feel like an a-hole.

Matt,

I have found something... it's just what Jeff said about the "racist" thing that bothers me.  I can see now that it IS borderline racist.  Not that it was my intention, I was just writing and it came out, but it does bother me and that's the issue.-Lee


Lee, I'm the fucking last person in the world you need to worry about insulting, adn my words were not meant to make you out ot be a racist in any way.

What I eant is that it seems this is for kids, but that scene is borderline mean spirited and I just don't think it plays out like you hoped...but maybe I'm way off base.

My apologies and I fucking mean that, OK?  SERIOUSY!!!!


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Angry Bear
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Imagine that! A creative person offending someone!

Jeff, have you ever offended anyone?

Lee, I once wrote a feature and posted it here that made one member leave SS when he read it. He said it was one of the worst scripts ever. I'd say, don't worry about it, unless you want to write for Disney or something. They are picky!  


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Quoted from Dreamscale


Lee, I'm the fucking last person in the world you need to worry about insulting, adn my words were not meant to make you out ot be a racist in any way.

What I eant is that it seems this is for kids, but that scene is borderline mean spirited and I just don't think it plays out like you hoped...but maybe I'm way off base.

My apologies and I fucking mean that, OK?  SERIOUSY!!!!


It's not that, mate.  You did nothing wrong.  It's me being an idiot again.  I think I'm being racist, as I do see an issue with the scene making the guy seem stereotypical.

I'm leaving SS now.  I'm never coming back and whatever this was is done.  I never should've written this thing.

So thanks to everyone that read my stuff or gave me advice.  

Thank you and goodbye,
Lee
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rendevous
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Not sure what's going on here. Hmm, that seems to be happening to me more these days.

Anyway, I had a quick look at the script. Cam't say I found it offensive. Silly, but not offensive.

Lee, think about Tarantino and South Park if you wonder about offense.

And don't leave over this. That would be silly.

Hope you stick around.

R


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Dressel
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I went and read it and I don't consider it offensive or racist; and I usually have an alarm that goes off with that kind of thing.  I've read so much worse; on this site alone.  Truly cringe-worthy stuff.  You just wrote a character who speaks English poorly.

Definitely not something to leave over.


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