Bad Trip by Dirk Visser - Short, Horror - Two bank robbers, held up in a motel after a job goes south, find their loyalties shifting after they are visited by an unexpected guest. 12 pages - pdf, format

Thanks, Don! I really appreciate it.

And thanks to Toby & Steve Clark for taking a look at this before I submitted it. You guys rock!

Hi Dirk,
Well written. Dialog is good (maybe possible to trim a page here or there.)  Ending didn't club me over the head...  Does Jacob kill Matt with the gun? Hmmm I must re-read.

GL with the script

Tony.

Quoted from TonyDionisio Hi Dirk, Well written. Dialog is good (maybe possible to trim a page here or there.)  Ending didn't club me over the head...  Does Jacob kill Matt with the gun? Hmmm I must re-read. GL with the script Tony.

Thanks Tony for the read, I appreciate it. No, Jacob ends up killing Suzanne. Matt wrestled away the gun from Jacob afterwards.

Let me know if I can return the favor and read something of yours.

Hi Dirk,

This is the first of your scripts I read. It kept my interest to the end.

So, [spoiler] Jacob's hallucinations were not the result of a committed murder - they actually led him to commit this murder. That's an intriguing idea. But are you implying that he was, somehow, forced to fulfill the drug-induced "prophesy"? Or it was just a horrific coincidence?

I'm also not sure whether the boys' father was a cop or just a civilian having a gun. If he was a cop, maybe you could use some of his own background as additional explanation for Jacob's hallucinations (e.g. stories about bloody robberies he had told his sons or some sort of traumatic experience he’d had). BTW, I think that you need a more plausible reason (than a girl) for Matt bringing a loaded gun to a costume party.

Thanks for sharing, Dirk, I enjoyed the read.

Manolis

Hey Dirk, sorry it took me so long to get to this.

Here are my thoughts as well as some mistakes I found.

SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS

Dirk, I feel like I've read this before or something almost identical to it.  I actually think it was an OWC from awhile back about the storm and cheap motel?  Maybe I'm hallucinating, though...

It also reminds me an awful lot of the opening of From Dusk Till Dawn, for some reason.

Personally, I think your opening line is a problem, as it's not very clear, using the verb "tears".  I also don't like seeing "wall" used twice - wallpaper and walls.

I also don't really like your 2nd passage - especialy the way it ends - "zip a dufflebag
closed on the bed." - just doesn't read well.  It's important to jump out of the gate on a positive note and I don't think you quite did that here.

"stay low" - used twice - should be "lay low", IMO.

Bottom on Page 1 - "there" - "their" - look for other places where you did this too.

Alot of talk on Page 1 and it's mostly well done, but for me, it really doesn't say much about these 2 and the way you set this up, I think it's important that we do get more personality from these guys out of the gate.

You seem to add an extra word here and there that hurts the read.  For example, on Page 2,

"Jacob grips the handgun.

A faint voice echoes from behind Jacob."

Now, first of all, we know Matt left the room, so only Jacob is left, so you don't need to use "Jacob" twice in a row like this, in both action lines.  Use "him" the 2nd time, and be on the lookout for other places you did the same kind of thing.

OK, as I said earlier, I'm almost positive I've read something just like this and once the "spotlight" shines, I kind of losing interest, because I know either it's not real or it's a ghost doing this, and I'm just not into either possibility, to be honest.

"draps" - drapes"

You've got a bunch of characters here that you don't name, 2 of which have on red dresses.  To a trained eye and careful reader, this is obvious that you're hiding something...or trying to hide something.  "young woman" and "elderly woman" do not read well over and over.

Do a word search and see how many times you used "creep" or "creeps".

"hole on her forehead" - "hole in her forehead"

I'm on Page 4 now and IMO, you could easily cut an entire page out, as it's too slow and dialogue is obvious, OTN, and repetitive.

You used a Full Slug on Page 4, where "LATER" would be the better choice, as you don't change scenes at all - time just passes.

living things "lie", inanimate objects "lay"

"They hurry to..." - way too many actions going on in this 1 sentence - know what I mean?

"Gunshots ring the air." - "ring out"?  This line needs attention.

Page 6 - I'm sorry, but I'm growing weary at this point.  Things are dragging and are very repetitive.

"Jacob grabs the bottle. Twist the cap off. Takes out a pill and reads the name ingrained into it." - Here's an example of when you should combine actions in a single sentence.  See the difference?  See how awkward this reads by breaking it into fragments?

"Why don't you ask, Matt?" - no comma needed here.

Lots of OTN dialogue going on here that just doesn't read well and wouldn't sound good if it were filmed.

"your" - "you're"

Page 8 - need a comma in Jacob's dialogue, between "that" and "you".

Again, for me, the dialogue is just way too OTN and repetitive and goes on too long.

"Matt lays..." - No, Matt lies..."

The end reveal for me is way over the top.  Too many characters being introd, who in reality have already been onscreen - but now they're "real" and now they're named.

Page 10 - OK, now we go to a 2nd reveal, 10 minutes earlier - just too much for me.

I really don't get what these spotlights are supposed to be used for.

"your" - "you're"

Page 11 - "than" - "then"

Dirk, this just doesn't qork for me, but I definitely see what you're going for and how it could work.  As I said, I've either read something like this or seen something like this, because none of it surprised me.  Dialogue other than Page 1 needs to be looked at, as it's very OTN.  The whole setup and payoff seem to be too convoluted and overthought.  The whole costume party and need to impress a chick feels off for guys this age.

There is some good writing and lots of thought on display, but for me, it doesn't work as intended.

I don't mean to be harsh and hope this helps and makes sense.

Take care, bro.

This is good, but you don't quite pull it off in this draft. I see where you're going and you're close. A few more drafts and this will be a tight story. Good luck with it.

Quoted from Athenian Hi Dirk, This is the first of your scripts I read. It kept my interest to the end. So, [spoiler] Jacob's hallucinations were not the result of a committed murder - they actually led him to commit this murder. That's an intriguing idea. But are you implying that he was, somehow, forced to fulfill the drug-induced "prophesy"? Or it was just a horrific coincidence? I'm also not sure whether the boys' father was a cop or just a civilian having a gun. If he was a cop, maybe you could use some of his own background as additional explanation for Jacob's hallucinations (e.g. stories about bloody robberies he had told his sons or some sort of traumatic experience he’d had). BTW, I think that you need a more plausible reason (than a girl) for Matt bringing a loaded gun to a costume party. Thanks for sharing, Dirk, I enjoyed the read. Manolis

Hey Manolis,

Thanks for the read, I really appreciate it. Yeah so,  Jacob was on drugs, he took Ketamine which gives you hallucinations and other side effects as well. Throughout the story he's visited by an elderly woman who claims he or his brother Matt killed her at a bank heist gone wrong. Now fast forward to the end of the story where we start back 10 minutes ago and what's happening to Jacob is the pills are starting to kick in right away and he's believing he and his brother really are bank robbers. The dialogue during the end is the actual dialogue between Matt and Jacob but the drugs were already tricking Jacob thinking he was having the conversation at the beginning scene with Matt. You'll notice at the end where Jacob grabs the gun from the duffle bag is where in reality the people from the costume party are showing up and Suzanne (elderly woman) is talking to him throughout the story. Okay, reading everything I just said can sound a bit confusing. Maybe I got a little ahead of myself. Ha. Regardless, thanks again for the read.  

Quoted from Dreamscale Hey Dirk, sorry it took me so long to get to this. Here are my thoughts as well as some mistakes I found. SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS Dirk, I feel like I've read this before or something almost identical to it.  I actually think it was an OWC from awhile back about the storm and cheap motel?  Maybe I'm hallucinating, though... It also reminds me an awful lot of the opening of From Dusk Till Dawn, for some reason. Personally, I think your opening line is a problem, as it's not very clear, using the verb "tears".  I also don't like seeing "wall" used twice - wallpaper and walls. I also don't really like your 2nd passage - especialy the way it ends - "zip a dufflebag closed on the bed." - just doesn't read well.  It's important to jump out of the gate on a positive note and I don't think you quite did that here. "stay low" - used twice - should be "lay low", IMO. Bottom on Page 1 - "there" - "their" - look for other places where you did this too. Alot of talk on Page 1 and it's mostly well done, but for me, it really doesn't say much about these 2 and the way you set this up, I think it's important that we do get more personality from these guys out of the gate. You seem to add an extra word here and there that hurts the read.  For example, on Page 2, "Jacob grips the handgun. A faint voice echoes from behind Jacob." Now, first of all, we know Matt left the room, so only Jacob is left, so you don't need to use "Jacob" twice in a row like this, in both action lines.  Use "him" the 2nd time, and be on the lookout for other places you did the same kind of thing. OK, as I said earlier, I'm almost positive I've read something just like this and once the "spotlight" shines, I kind of losing interest, because I know either it's not real or it's a ghost doing this, and I'm just not into either possibility, to be honest. "draps" - drapes" You've got a bunch of characters here that you don't name, 2 of which have on red dresses.  To a trained eye and careful reader, this is obvious that you're hiding something...or trying to hide something.  "young woman" and "elderly woman" do not read well over and over. Do a word search and see how many times you used "creep" or "creeps". "hole on her forehead" - "hole in her forehead" I'm on Page 4 now and IMO, you could easily cut an entire page out, as it's too slow and dialogue is obvious, OTN, and repetitive. You used a Full Slug on Page 4, where "LATER" would be the better choice, as you don't change scenes at all - time just passes. living things "lie", inanimate objects "lay" "They hurry to..." - way too many actions going on in this 1 sentence - know what I mean? "Gunshots ring the air." - "ring out"?  This line needs attention. Page 6 - I'm sorry, but I'm growing weary at this point.  Things are dragging and are very repetitive. "Jacob grabs the bottle. Twist the cap off. Takes out a pill and reads the name ingrained into it." - Here's an example of when you should combine actions in a single sentence.  See the difference?  See how awkward this reads by breaking it into fragments? "Why don't you ask, Matt?" - no comma needed here. Lots of OTN dialogue going on here that just doesn't read well and wouldn't sound good if it were filmed. "your" - "you're" Page 8 - need a comma in Jacob's dialogue, between "that" and "you". Again, for me, the dialogue is just way too OTN and repetitive and goes on too long. "Matt lays..." - No, Matt lies..." The end reveal for me is way over the top.  Too many characters being introd, who in reality have already been onscreen - but now they're "real" and now they're named. Page 10 - OK, now we go to a 2nd reveal, 10 minutes earlier - just too much for me. I really don't get what these spotlights are supposed to be used for. "your" - "you're" Page 11 - "than" - "then" Dirk, this just doesn't qork for me, but I definitely see what you're going for and how it could work.  As I said, I've either read something like this or seen something like this, because none of it surprised me.  Dialogue other than Page 1 needs to be looked at, as it's very OTN.  The whole setup and payoff seem to be too convoluted and overthought.  The whole costume party and need to impress a chick feels off for guys this age. There is some good writing and lots of thought on display, but for me, it doesn't work as intended. I don't mean to be harsh and hope this helps and makes sense. Take care, bro.

Jeff,

Thanks for the read bro. I really appreciate it. And no you were not being harsh at all.

Alright so you've got one hell of a memory since yes I wrote a OWC involving a cheap motel when I first started here on S.S. I came back to this recently and decided to change up things with an entirely new plot but looking back I believe I got ahead of myself and it didn't come out liked I hoped.

So pretty much the entire story revolves around Jacob who's hallucinating on drugs throughout. The 10 minutes earlier part at the end is the actual dialogue Matt & Jacob had between each other and you'll notice Matt asked Jacob if he was feeling the pills yet? Jacob replies with how would you know and Matt says oh you'll know. Okay, at the point the drugs have already started to take over Jacob. Flash back to the opening scene and Jacob and Matt are having a totally different conversation because again Jacob is feeling the drugs and hallucinating that he and Matt are actual bank robbers and the elderly woman (Suzanne) is really dead looking to avenge her death.

I think you hit it on the head when you mentioned I must have gotten a little ahead of myself and I agree since I'm having to explain everything and it's not more clear to you the reader.  

I do appreciate you taking a look at this and I'm a little embarrassed by how many errors and OTN dialogue I had throughout. Let me know if I can return the favor and read something of yours.

Take care bro.

Quoted from DustinBowcot This is good, but you don't quite pull it off in this draft. I see where you're going and you're close. A few more drafts and this will be a tight story. Good luck with it.

Dustin,

Thanks for the read. I believe I'm making a little bit of progress with you. This is the first short story you've read of mine where you didn't bail out before the end. Ha.  

I really do appreciate you taking the time to read the script so let me know if I can return the favor and read something of yours.

I can't remember any of your other stories... but if that is the case, then you certainly are making progress, this is a very good story. Just needs a couple more drafts.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I can't remember any of your other stories... but if that is the case, then you certainly are making progress, this is a very good story. Just needs a couple more drafts.

Thanks -

You read a couple of my OWC scripts that turn out that good. The shark script most recently and I can't remember the other one but I do remember you not being a fan of it but again I do appreciate you looking at this one.

Hey friend-o, you went back to the avatar.  Right on.  

As for Bad Trip, I read this a couple of days ago and it was all a big WTF to me.

I honestly don't think I can properly review it, but I agree with Dustin, a couple more drafts and maybe this will get to where it needs to be.

Quoted from DV44 Hey Manolis, Thanks for the read, I really appreciate it. Yeah so,  Jacob was on drugs, he took Ketamine which gives you hallucinations and other side effects as well. Throughout the story he's visited by an elderly woman who claims he or his brother Matt killed her at a bank heist gone wrong. Now fast forward to the end of the story where we start back 10 minutes ago and what's happening to Jacob is the pills are starting to kick in right away and he's believing he and his brother really are bank robbers. The dialogue during the end is the actual dialogue between Matt and Jacob but the drugs were already tricking Jacob thinking he was having the conversation at the beginning scene with Matt. You'll notice at the end where Jacob grabs the gun from the duffle bag is where in reality the people from the costume party are showing up and Suzanne (elderly woman) is talking to him throughout the story. Okay, reading everything I just said can sound a bit confusing. Maybe I got a little ahead of myself. Ha. Regardless, thanks again for the read.

Dirk, I didn't find the story that confusing (blame my English if I gave you that impression). Everything you write above was clear to me. I just wondered if I missed some context, that's all.

Quoted from Guest Hey friend-o, you went back to the avatar.  Right on.   As for Bad Trip, I read this a couple of days ago and it was all a big WTF to me. I honestly don't think I can properly review it, but I agree with Dustin, a couple more drafts and maybe this will get to where it needs to be.

Steve,

I get the confusion. The only way I can explain it is that from the opening scene to the point where Jacob kills Suzanne he's hallucinating on drugs. The last scene brings it altogether but I agree that the script needs some more fleshing out. Thanks for reading it even though you were confused by it.

Let me know if I can return the read. Take care, bro.