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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Play In My Park Moderators: bert
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  Author    Play In My Park  (currently 1393 views)
Don
Posted: July 16th, 2014, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Play In My Park by Todd Bronson - Drama, Film Noir - A female detective investigates the brutal slaying of an autistic teen in a community park and the play gets personal. 73 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 25th, 2014, 8:39am
revised draft
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hansenmv
Posted: July 23rd, 2014, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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My first read here -----

trouble with "2-short block park" --- LOTS of stuff in a "small-ish" park?

missing word WITH  pg13   ---- a detective allowing anyone/Yogist to touch her?

pg19 "you're a lead for

>>foreshadow the bust in some way

>>would landscape arch intro themself formally? by name?

>> at pg 30: FAR TOO static - havent changed location
>>>> Flyer mentions Glenn pushed girl off gym - that doesnt get further query?
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c m hall
Posted: July 23rd, 2014, 11:58pm Report to Moderator
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-- SPOILERS --

This is a terrific story, reminiscent of "Rear Window" and it compares well, in my humble opinion.  

All of the characters are interesting, they are all roles actors would love.

We get to know Clover in miss-matched, seemingly contradictory bits of information and that builds suspense, as does the effective use of voice overs.

The dialogue is believable, there are many different tempos in the conversations.

Yates, the Flyer, the Yoga Instructor, they're all somewhat menacing at times, and they're all essential.  Clover's dealings with all of them are entertaining.

And Glenn is a wonderful creation, we see him through the reactions of others (as if he were a force rather than a person).   By the time we are shown his writings his voice is loud and clear.

The student scientist is a great character, too, and letting us see him take such joy in his scientific discoveries gives us a glimpse of what Glenn might have been --

This is a wonderful story, it's going to be a wonderful film!
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