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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Madness and Fury Moderators: bert
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  Author    Madness and Fury  (currently 1203 views)
Don
Posted: July 18th, 2014, 8:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Madness and Fury by Julien Blaecke - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Corey, a nine years old boy from 1985, travels through time to fight demons and by that mean prevent the end of the world. 113 pages - pdf, format


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Lono
Posted: October 8th, 2014, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Julien,

I took a quick look at this and it needs an overhaul. There is no screenplay language in this script, it reads like a novel.


Quoted Text
Coming from there, trying to CATCH HER BREATH,
apparently scared and exhausted, standing there after an
intense run is ARDAT, a young woman of an unspeakable beauty.
Ardat is all about blue. Her long hairs are blue, her eyes
are an unnatural sparkling shade of blue, even her pale skin
shows a contrast of blue sheen.
Her clothes are coming from the “BDSM” world which means that
even if she’s wearing a very nice dress, it is made of black
latex. It does emphasizes her so perfect beauty in an
addictive way.  


This is the wrong way to introduce a Character. How old is Ardat? Age should be included in brackets after the character name.  This paragraph can be summed up into one sentence.

Scared and exhausted, ARDAT(21), A pale, blue haired beauty rests her perfect body in the glow of a streetlamp.

This example is by no means great, but you get the point. Furthermore, we're in a New York City alley now. The slug should let us know where we are:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY- ALLEY- NIGHT

It's a matter of getting the information across properly as not to confuse the reader. I recommend taking a look at screenplay format. The format is easy to learn; writing a screenplay that's any good is the hard part.

I hope my limited knowledge has helped. Best of luck

Lono
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