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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Adage Moderators: bert
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  Author    Adage  (currently 4616 views)
Don
Posted: July 18th, 2014, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Adage by Gabriel Moronta ( Mr. Ripley) - Short, Comedy - A farmer proves the old adage wrong. You can make a horse drink water.  - pdf, format

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 18th, 2017, 9:27am
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CalebHart
Posted: July 18th, 2014, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Strange.  

Well, I got a laugh from  it.  I'm guessing this is just another one of those scripts you had to get out of your system.  I can relate.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 18th, 2014, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Caleb

Thanks for the read. I thought you would quit on me after the Are You Afraid of the Dark? Fiasco. I owe you two reads now. Lol.

It was something I needed to get out and, it looks like I got the job done. Hopefully I made you laugh with the tale. Lol. This is meant to be done as a cartoon. Forgot to tell enter it in the submission page. And I also wanted to try my hand in comedy.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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YaBoyTopher
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Had a looney tune feel. I liked it, nice work.


My posted Scripts:
"The First Date" - Short Comedy
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1405598063/s-0/#num1
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 12:13am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Christopher.

Glad you enjoyed it and got a laugh from it.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Colkurtz8
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 7:22am Report to Moderator
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Gabriel

This didn't really work for me to be honest. I get the play on the proverb but the reveal of it being Mace fell totally flat. I dunno, was it meant to be a punchline of sorts?

To me, it didn't matter what the spray was, it could've been anything. The fact was that the farmer brought the horse to water and through not-so-nice tactics, yes, made him drink.

That's all good, I was going with it but then it just ends with you telling us its mace as if we should be surprised or amused, I'm not sure what your intention was.

I just felt disappointment, I thought there would be a further twist down the line.

What that twist would be I've no idea but this left me unsatisfied.

Regards.

Col.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey Col

Thanks for the read and sorry you didn't like it. I wanted to write something that was humorous. I'm no comedian so I'll take a chuckle lol.

I've told this joke before and, it gets a chuckle out of people. So I figured, let me write it down.

The intention of the can of mace was to be amusing. It shows the lengths that the farmer cares for the animal to do this. Also Readers will wonder what the can was. Might as well reveal it.

Would you mind explaining what type of twist you were expecting? Or any expectations you had?

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/

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Mr.Ripley  -  July 19th, 2014, 9:45am
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley


The intention of the can of mace was to be amusing. It shows the lengths that the farmer cares for the animal to do this. Also Readers will wonder what the can was. Might as well reveal it.


I did read this, but didn't have anything positive to say so kept it to myself. I'm guessing I just don't like your work.

However, your point here on the farmer spraying a horse with mace being because he cares for the animal so much is just plain ridiculous.

When a horse wants to drink water it will do so. The farmer comes off as retarded in this story. Only somebody with mental deficiencies would feel it is OK to spray a horse in the face with mace to prove a point.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin

Thanks for the read. Sorry you didn't enjoy it.

To each his own then.

The tale is meant to be absurd. Can't deny me it's original. lol.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Colkurtz8
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
The intention of the can of mace was to be amusing. It shows the lengths that the farmer cares for the animal to do this.


- You think spraying mace is a sign of the farmer's care for his animal? He just comes off as sadistic to me.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley


Would you mind explaining what type of twist you were expecting? Or any expectations you had?


- Like I said, I've no idea, maybe the water is contaminated or poisonous, it knocks out the horse so he falls and flattens his cruel master. Yes, I know that's ridiculous but this does feature a talking horse so it would be in keeping with the tone of the piece.

Anyway, all that aside, I'm probably just taking it too seriously.

Regards

Col.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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He got him to drink the water, didn't he? Lol. Im not casting judgment on the farmer's
act. I'm giving the farmer's reason. He did it out of affection, which can make a person do crazy things. Lol.

All opinions are allowed and considered when I go do my rewrites. Positive or negative. Just know that I'm not going to them all. I gotta have some breathing room for my creativity. Lol.

Gabe





Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Sham
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gabriel,

I'm sorry to say, I didn't really care for this. Had it have been reversed, and the horse was spraying the farmer with mace to get him to drink, it may have been more amusing. But with the way it's written now, I find it kind of cruel and tasteless.

Keep writing.

Chris


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey sham

Thanks for the read. Sorry you didn't like it.

I had good intentions with this script lol.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Demento
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
He got him to drink the water, didn't he? Lol. Im not casting judgment on the farmer's act. I'm giving the farmer's reason. He did it out of affection, which can make a person do crazy things. Lol.  


I have to ask as I don't understand. What exactly did he do out of affection? He maced his own horse and forced him to drink water. Where is the affection in that? If the horse was thirsty or needed water he wouldn't have rejected drinking it. So the horse was fine.

He didn't need or want water, yet was forced to drink it and he got maced for resisting and not being obedient. He got punished twice.

I'm sorry, I don't get it.
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EWall433
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gabriel,

Noticed a debate stirring up, so I figured I check this out (which was easy at one page).

I can see how this could be funny, but I don’t think it’s set-up properly. Most people feel more automatic sympathy for animals than for people. Readers are immediately going to side with the horse in this situation, but I think it can only be funny if we’re on the farmer’s side.

I guess what I’m saying is, you need to make the horse an asshole (easier than it sounds considering your horse talks). Spend a little more time building it. Show the farmer being beleaguered and put upon, and show the horse being a real sociopathic d**k about it. Then and only then, may spraying a horse with a can of mace be funny.

Hope this helps,
Eric
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