“works on his cereal.”
- Being a lover of cereal I quite enjoyed this line
“Him, Diane and Miranda, happy smiles.”
- We’ve haven’t been introduced to Diane so it might be worth describing her, giving her age or her relation to David and Miranda e.g. daughter, sister, Mother, friend, etc.
Why so serious today?
- Is she channelling Heath Ledger’s The Joker here
Seriously though, once you’ve seen The Dark Knight, it’s hard not to think of that character when seeing that phrase.
“She’s beautiful - blue eyes, shiny hair.”
- This struck me as sort of odd in that when describing her beauty he focuses on her eyes, which is fine, but the “shiny hair” reads a little arbitrary. I mean, surely she has more prominent attractive features than her attentiveness to hair care?
I got you a bottle of champagne but
left it at home.
- I’m wondering did she actually forget it or is it a ploy to get David back to her house? If it’s the latter it’s not half obvious.
Make yourself at home. I’m going to
change, so it’ll take a minute. Or two.
- Since she already said in the last line that she has “to put it on” I think this line could be rewritten as:
“Make yourself at home, I’ll be a minute or two.”
Otherwise it comes off reading a little stiff.
Does it happen often? I can check
the fuse box.
- I would change “it” with “this”.
Start the champagne, will you?
- “Pour” would be a more apt verb than “start” I reckon.
At the point I’m anticipating a reveal where it turns out to be a surprise birthday for David, organised by Miranda. Lets read on…
I’ll be back in a moment. Want this
moment to be perfect.
- Again, I’m confused by the phrasing, maybe English isn’t your first language. Why would she say “back in a moment” when she hasn’t come back in the first place, she is still in the other room. Could be rewritten as:
“I’ll be out in a moment”
SEVERAL VOICES (O.S.)
- And there it is!
Why was Linda wearing a homemade vest? The whole changing clothes thing was just a ruse to buy time wasn’t it? Plus, I thought Miranda would be holding the cake given she is his wife.
Who was Diane in the picture then? The Mother? She wasn’t mentioned again you see?
It would do no harm to end on the, presumably aghast, expressions of all concerned. Linda and the family enter with the cake but we get no idea of their collective reactions to David, with his shirt unbuttoned, hopping around trying to get his pants on.
In defence of David, he does have a legitimate claim of entrapment here. Between Miranda’s coldness and Linda’s thoughtfulness and forwardness you could nearly see why he would go into the arms of another woman.
Also, doesn’t the fact that David came back to Linda’s house, which was Miranda’s plan so they could surprise him, suggest he was going to commit adultery on her? Meaning, that their plan is set up in such a way that if it does come off, it will indicate some rather unpleasant home truths about the state of their marriage.
Unfortunately, Since I could see the ending coming it neutered its effect in a big way but I do appreciate what you were going for. It’s a good idea but falls short in terms of execution. I know it’s only 5 pages so there is not much room for back story or set up but I would’ve liked to have seen more of David and Miranda’s relationship. You could add some extra pages to orchestrate the situation more and really have us believe that their marriage has lost its spark before the twist is played.
Anyway, like I say, there is the seed of a good idea here, seen it before but it has potential. However, I feel the way you went about it could do with some work.