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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    2014 One + 6  Week Challenge  ›  Shadow Games - 1+6WC - Feature
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  Author    Shadow Games - 1+6WC - Feature  (currently 5082 views)
Don
Posted: August 16th, 2014, 7:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shadow Games by Lee Cordner (Leegion) - Thriller - A sadistic psychopath kidnaps a man's family and turns him into his own personal weapon. 90 pages - pdf, format

Shadow Games the first ten pages



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ArtyDoubleYou
Posted: August 16th, 2014, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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Alright Lee.

Hope you don't mind, but I've copied and pasted my review from our e-mails. Unless this is a different draft of course, in which case I'll get back on it.

SPOILERS throughout. You have been warned.

Just finished a quick read through of your script. To be honest, I can't see what you would of cut from this one, certainly not to take it down to 74 pages or whatever you've cut it to.

I had a few problems with it, one of which being at certain points it's unclear what's happening. But, as it's an early draft, I'm guessing it will be tightened up and become a bit slicker anyway.

I still found it hard to root for Swanson. Especially when he kills the Senators wife, that pretty much took any sympathy I had for him away. Plus, although he didn't kill an innocent 16 year old girl, he was going to.

I ended up liking Petrovic, which I guess was your aim. It's understandable what he's doing. But, at the end, I care more for Petrovic than I do Swanson, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. The scene with Amy was where I started liking Petrovic more than Swanson, and that's pretty early to be rooting against the protag and for the antag.

The scene with Jansen is probably the one that had me scratching my head the most. I didn't really ever get what was going on there. Has Jansen lost his mind or something? Why would his wife remember a contract he took 19 years ago? Basically, the whole scene didn't work for me, but it could if made a bit clearer.

Overall, it was a pretty quick read seeing as though it hasn't been sharpened up yet, but my main concern for you would be that it's a bit cliche. I feel like I've seen a lot of very similar stuff before. As an example, you have a couple of car chase scenes, and both times they drive down an alley and knock bins over. As I'm looking to write a car chase myself, I checked around for car chase cliches, and driving down an alley and knocking over bins is one of the main ones. With mine I'm looking to totally change it up from what we've all seen a million times, and if I can totally avoid those cliches. Don't get me wrong, I've probably got a few in there myself, but it's something I'll be looking to rectify if possible. I guess some cliches are unavoidable.

I did like Petrovic's last line and the way you cut out before the final gunshot.

Hope that helps a little.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: August 16th, 2014, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Wow Arty you are fast!!! I'm in 30 pages...but have to stop for the gym...will pick it back up tonight!! I'm a slow reader!!!
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ArtyDoubleYou
Posted: August 16th, 2014, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Pale Yellow
Wow Arty you are fast!!! I'm in 30 pages...but have to stop for the gym...will pick it back up tonight!! I'm a slow reader!!!


I'm a slow reader too, but I checked it out for him off the boards so had a pre-made review for it.
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rendevous
Posted: August 16th, 2014, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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I had a look, Lee.

No spoilers here. At least I hope not.

It moves fast. Descriptions are brief, if at all. I get the idea of this brevity. But I'm imagining a world of my own, rather than yours. I'd have liked a little more of what you imagined should be there.

I think the early dialogue needs a little more work. It's just a bit too by the numbers. At the moment it's alright and it works. But think Dirty Harry. It's not just another cop film as he asks 'Did I fire six shots, or only five'. It's the bit everyone remembers. Everyone. I'd say the early dialogue needs more along those lines. Not quite as showy, maybe.

The guy on the phone has lost a lot. He'd be talking in more personal terms, I think.

A little format stuff, just to bore the arse off everyone. I'm not a fan of those commas in your headers. They're not wrong, they're just a bit annoying. Like my goat.

And the phone business - it should be VO rather than OS. OS implies they are just off camera and could walk into shot any moment. I think that's enough about format. The rest of it is fine and works well. This script has momentum and speed. It'll be interesting to see how you keep it up.

I'm gonna read on then post once I've read more. I'd say it's a good start and fits the challenge perfectly.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

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Demento
Posted: August 16th, 2014, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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I read 40 pages. I'll try to finish it tomorrow.

I don't know what to say. It reads fast, things are happening... but those things don't interest me personally, nor do they do anything for me.

My biggest criticism so far would be that this is cliché... very cliché. It starts off very as Ren puts it "by the numbers" and it continues on that path up until where I stopped, page 40. I just couldn't shake that feeling, that this is just stuff I've seen in a lot of other movies.

I'll try to finish it up tomorrow and give more detailed thoughts if I can.
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Pale Yellow
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--I just wonder how he even knew which marina/dock to go to.  I don’t think it would hurt to add in where, what boat. I realize you are trying to add tension, but in NY there may be many marinas/docks.
--Whether that’s your dignity or your family is yet to be determined.(unnecessary dialogue IMO)
--Like the bomb vest and rifle.
--The Senator ...the family taken...this is in the vein of In the Nick of Time with Depp.
--handgun primed? I thought he only had a bomb vest and a sniper’s rifle??
--So what is Newman?? An investigator or something? I think the dialogue between him and the cop sounds like it needs some work to feel real. That’s to be expected with a first draft though!
--On page 12 and how in the world does Swanson know where the dock was and now he knows of some office he’s headed to? Just saying there are a lot of offices in NY ...a lot of important people. The caller’s instructions need to be more laid out.
--Not so sure I like the NY then Kremlin thing.
--A bit confused because Becky told Newman about a breakin at the Mitchell estate but then he goes to Swanson’s condo?
--Pg 24 why would Swanson remove Amy’s gag if he was going to kill her? That would just make it harder I would think.
--Everytime you switch back and forth to Russia it is confusing to me as a reader.
--PGE 31 AMY
He took off five minutes ago. I think he’s in trouble.   So on the nose and did she know that was Swanson??
--I don’t think Newman would call to get the news on Amy’s mom while she’s standing right there...not cop-like IMO
--The Emmett/Swanson thing is still confusing to me.
--I find it hard to believe Swanson walks up and does all that to the cops ...they don’t even draw a gun or taser?
--I am afraid that it’s feeling like the second act is dragging and becoming boring to read at this point and I’m on page 46.
--It may be me, but I think once Swanson has killed one, two people...it gets old just doing it again and again. If there was a way to have him start off not so strong and work up maybe it would not get dull watching it over and over again. And for him to do that in a police station...very hard to believe IMO.
--The whole Emmett Swanson things feels like Dexter/Father thing.
--I am stopping at page 66…

Overall this is a decent story, although it feels familiar and the second act drags a bit. There is a lot of expo throughout in dialogue and some of the mystery driving the story is revealed early on like on 50 something….so it feels like this story runs out of steam for me. I’ll try to open it back up to see how it ends, but I don’t care about any of these characters. There is a lot of shootings. I wonder why you have not shown his kidnapped family yet? I wonder if there even is a family? There are some questions that would make me want to read to the end but it’s laborious reading for me.
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Last Fountain
Posted: August 16th, 2014, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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Fast paced and exciting. A strong familiar concept done well so far.

Here are notes I made while reading the first 30 pages...

Strong opening image. Boy in snow. Intriguing.

I wonder if there's a better way to show Emmett is burdened. Maybe he stirs in his sleep,  instead of sleeping "soundly". I would think he spasms from a dream, perhaps dealing with his past and whatever happened in the snow. Maybe he is burdened by his past. I like how you suggestively imply the opening is his past.

The phone rings and wham - we're off. Intensity builds right away. A brief call sets it up quickly. A simple threat minus any grandiose speech. I hope you keep up this energy.

This concept stood out in the 10page version. I like how you've cleaned it up, tightening it with some adjustments. I still enioy the vest scenario and how it activates occasionally.

Nice transition with over lapping dialogue. It looks like you've addressed the police situation already. I remember thinking problems would arise from their encounter.

I'd cut the baddies bit of dialogue from a moment earlier: "maybe it's just me". This doesn't help me take him seriously. Maybe save sarcastic taunts for later. Or a better instance. This particular bit stood out as awkward to me. I like his other stuff. Serious and matter of fact. To me, this guy doesn't bullshit or f*ck around. He's deliberate with his actions and his words. Good job suggesting that impression on me early.

I'm conflicted with the repeated dialogue so early. While I like the idea he replays the events, I just saw this a minute ago. It's too early. I don't need a reminder. Maybe later he can hear a news report and in effect replay the events. Maybe he can bang on the wheel instead. Frustrated. That said, I DO think this would be visually interesting to see him spin out literally and figuratively. This leads to the conflict of me recommending you cut this stuff.

A straight up flashback works better for my liking. No trigger needed, aside from those snowflakes. Seriously. That's an awesome transition. Each time he remembers snow falls to cue flashbacks. I hope you continue to bridge timelines in this manner. Great visual sense is on display here.

I like the shattered imagery too. The Kremlin rises. Wow. Consider adding some motion with the exterior. Old Em watches from the car as young Em walks by, snow falling, kremlin rising. Emmett can approach a parked car. Pass info. Guy doesn't let him warm up inside car. Hints at hierarchy. Stuff like that. I love how you maintain the energy of that great transition idea. Oh, and I don't think you need to super Moscow. You sold that clearly with the Kremlin eruptimg out of the ground. Hehehe.

Whoah. I didn't expect that bound girl in the senator's office. Definitely intriguing. What's going on? Is petrovich trying to pin a series of crimes on Em? What's her importance to Em and his past? Interesting turn of events.

I like how you develop the authorities. They each have personality. I liked the pixilated license stuff. And the reply, " can I like have your eyes." Made me laugh.

I wonder if it would be more exciting, and rational, if Em had to find he senator's daughter out in public. Like chase her down. I mention this because the baddie tied her up. Why do the work for Em? Why not kill her and blame it on Em with doctored evidence?

And cant he shoot the gun and say he killed her. You know, lie. If baddie is watching him with a camera he left behind, you can still keep this dilemma in tact, and also address audience concern. Can't he try and lie?

Okay. I see why now. With the click. That was intense and emotional. Maybe the click can happen as he tries to lie and has gun pointed to the ceiling? Does he really just leave the girl behind?

I'd consider referring to Em as either Emmett or Swanson, but not both. Kinda confusing. Another transition. Use the snowflakes. Do it. Connect these timelines with a strong visual motif throughout. I love that earlier usage. Continue with it.

Oh and this assumes all Moscow scenes are flashbacks. The slugs don't make mention of it. The shift in day to night and no moscow in slug made it seem like a flashback transitioning to present day. Consider clearing this confusion.

?......?

I'll continue to read and send further notes later.

Good stuff so far. Interesting scenario for Em. I wonder where this is leading to. How severe will the authorities pursue Em? How severe will his dilemmas become?


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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 17th, 2014, 3:39am Report to Moderator
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Code

Swanson shoots precisely, four BLASTS to four kneecaps. They
drop. He confiscates their weapons, punches one unconscious.



This would be hard to do. Not only that, but the four guys are merely wounded and not one of them fired back. Just because you are in intense pain it doesn't mean you can't do anything. Unless he kills at least two of them, I can't see him winning this by simply kneecapping them.


The Newman character, is a detective. I'm pretty sure they do this in the US too, but usually the police will be in divisions. A homicide detective has no business investigating a mugging or an assault, unless it has something to do with a murder case they are on. Same as robbery detectives, vice, etc, etc. Your opening has Newman talking to a mugging or assault victim. If he then goes onto investigate this case, something is wrong.

Code

The downtown area breaks apart like glass. Moscow rises. The
Kremlin erects...



Drop the last sentence, it ruins something that should be great. I have no idea what the Kremlin erects means. I like Moscow rises, however.

Code

You go to work to make ends meat,

- Newman's dialogue page 16

Wrong type of 'meet'.

Code

NEWMAN
You go to work to make ends meat,
and then this happens. I get it. I
know how it feels to see something
you just don’t wanna see.

Security guard appreciates this.

NEWMAN
So the only thing I need from you,
is an answer.

SECURITY GUARD
What do you wanna know?

NEWMAN
Can I see the security footage?

SECURITY GUARD
Uh...sure, it’s...I’ll give Scott a
call, he’ll let you in.

NEWMAN
Thank you.



I don't think the above conversation fits. He goes through all of that and the question he wants to ask is, Can I see the security footage?

That's it?  He could have asked that at the start. Just simply said, show me the footage... why even ask? It might be better to make the investigating officer an FBI agent. Or CIA, even. An ordinary cop would have little say, very quickly, as the investigation accelerates. Don't forget the media. Some guy has just broken through security at the airport and dispatched 4 bodyguards, then killed a Senator.

Also, all the nicey, nicey stuff comes across as fake. The way he won't question the guard properly because he looks scared etc. The guy is talking and seems fine to me. Severe shock usually results in a hospital visit. Standing there chatting away, the guy is fine. You either need to make him really scared and perhaps suffering from shock, or just go in with the questions.

Code

REBECCA
Listen, I just got a call from my
supervisor. There was a report on a
possible break-in at an estate, I’m
heading there to check it out.



Where you've written 'Listen' at the start of this conversation is unnecessary. He already is listening. The reason you've wrote that is because you wrote in a whole new slug, a fresh action line, and went back into the conversation from the last scene. When filmed, the transition will be a lot smoother and the conversation will flow. Saying listen, in the middle of a conversation is a little out of place.

At this stage, I'm asking myself... why is Newman even on this case? It's not a murder investigation. It's an assassination. If he was a Fed, or CIA then I could understand it. I think you're making a mistake using an ordinary cop for this case unless he has some stake in this himself and he goes rogue.

Code

NEWMAN
I’m gonna need that number.



Yep, because he's just a cop. If he was an agent of some type he wouldn't need to ask. A simple name and address would suffice for the database to pick out every phone number he's ever had with every text message and whatever else they want to know.

I think hitting a senator right at the start is a mistake, and it might be better to make him a mob boss. Or lower ranking capo. That would explain the lowered FBI interest. They know something's up so are sniffing around, but not enough for them to spend/waste their budget investigating.

Code

INT. CAR, MOVING - NIGHT

Newman, phone to his ear, drives.

NEWMAN
Emmett Swanson, I presume? Where
are you?

SWANSON (O.S.)
Who wants to know?



Another example for why you should avoid making this about the assassination of a senator. There's just no way he would make a call like that from a car. He'd have to go to the station and record all this stuff, maybe even attempt a trace. This cop isn't very good. He asks no questions of witnesses, and goes against all good sense by making the call to the assassin from his car.

Also, the whole dialogue when he does call is really bad. It's like he called and didn't know what to say. Which is no surprise... had he followed procedure and done the call from a controlled environment he would have had something of a script to read from, perhaps written by a professional criminal psychologist.

Code

INT. CAR, MOVING - NIGHT

Newman smirks, dials a number. RING. RING. CLICK.

NEWMAN
Where is he?



Watch out for people talking to themselves. People rarely do it like that. It's very comic-booky. Whenever I see it I'm reminded of the small circular bubbles that led to a speech bubble to indicate thought processes.

I must say at this stage too... that I have lost all respect for your protag after he pulled the trigger on that young girl. Unless this is a switch thing...where the antag is actually the protag and vice versa, that could be clever, hard to pull off though. If that is the case then you need to  put in more work.

Code

COP
He blindsided us.
COP 2
He walked up dressed as a cop, we
had no idea.
Newman points at Amy.
NEWMAN
Do you have ANY idea what that
girl’s been through tonight?!
(in Cop 2’s face)
You were meant to protect her.
COP 2
Ah, I don’t need this.
Cop 2 walks off. Newman grabs and pins him to a wall. A
struggle commences. Cops restrain them.
REBECCA
Detective!
Newman shrugs the cops away.
NEWMAN
Get off me.
REBECCA
You’re not helping the situation at
hand. Calm down.
NEWMAN
Calm down? That girl just lost both
of her parents in one night.



I found the above hard to swallow. Newman should have a cool head.

Code

NEWMAN
Sonovabitch kidnapped his family
and now he’s using him as a weapon.



I'm pretty sure Newman's sympathies would not be with the protag at this stage. He has killed a senator and a cop.. all he has is a kidnapped family. Newman doesn't even know that any of his family members have been killed. Even then, it would be difficult to side with your protag... the audience even knows he would do worse that that, killing a 16-year-old innocent.

Code

Newman coordinates an army of cops and SWAT.



I have to point this out, but Newman would not have received sufficient training to coordinate SWAT. He's just a homicide detective.

I'm at page 57 and Newman has messed it up again. Why is he in charge? He walks into the bank after being told it is a bad idea and lo and behold Swanson escapes again. Doesn't Newman have to answer to anybody? He's completely useless so far.

Code

EMMETT
Years from now you might want to
find me. When that day comes, I
won’t hold it against you. Until
then, I’m sorry.



Now that doesn't really ring true. He could have shot his dad, but instead chose to stab him in the throat, inflicting a more painful, lengthy death.

Code

NEWMAN
Ever feel like your trying to catch
a shadow?



Wrong 'you're'.

Code

PETROVIC
Idle threats. That’s all they were.
He manipulated you. Used you. Your
family was never in danger. Yet you
still killed my parents.



That's not strictly true. Considering his own father worked for the same people Swanson did and he was killed for trying to leave, Swanson would have every reason to believe that if he didn't do as he was told, something bad would happen.


Over all I think you have a decent story here. With a bit of work it could be a seller. Just depends whether you're willing to put that work in or not. A few tweaks here and there, bit of rewriting. Good to go. Good for a first draft, well done.
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khamanna
Posted: August 17th, 2014, 5:17am Report to Moderator
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p1 "You killed my family, Mr. Swanson. Did you think I would forget?"
This is on the nose for me. I think you need some nice play of words here, something to make us feel for the target here, Mr. Swanson, and hate the villain (I don't know who the villain is in your movie but from this looks like it's going to be Russians). Anyway, maybe you could come up with him not remembering. I suck at this to be of help. Something like "Do you remember what you did to my family, Mr. Swanson? I do"
And then you could play with his Russian accent. He should speak broken English - no articles, weird verb agreement. I'll be on the lookout for it.
p2 It's a bit strange that the Russian tells him to look for a boat without giving further instruction what to do with the boat. A bit farcical I'd say.
Also, I'm thinking Swanson ought to give some instruction to his daughter (to stay put maybe), and only then go look for the boat.
p3 - You haven't told us how he figured out what boat Petrovich wanted.
p5 "you've met before, in Moscow" Who met before? reads like Swanson met with the bomb before.
Ramirez on p 6 - you intentionally make it a multinational movie, I like that)
p7 strokes or strikes?
p8 "Mr. Swanson" each time - weirds me out somehow. He says it sarcastically, I suppose.
And as Swanson shoots the senator - I don't understand the significance of the bomb. What's it for?

It's an interesting read, I'm really invested - which is important.

p12 "rubs his brows" reads strange
p15 We are trying to conceive - that's a weird thing to say when you're not asked about that.
On p14 you got away from Swanson and spent 4 full pages on a lot of new characters and I'm nnot sure if they are pertinent to the story. You didn't differentiate between them to let me know which ones I should remember. Also, I don't think it's good to get away from your main story for that long.
Swanson - we don't even know him well and by now we should root for him.
We are back to Petrovich and Swanson and I really like this scene - Petrovich gets personal and we're starting to learn about Swanson a little - great job.

I stop here for now. I'm not sure if I'll continue although I find it really good - see, I did not submit my script and I want to read as many as I can. And summer is not the best time for me to read and comment. But I'll try my best to read more of it.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 17th, 2014, 6:15am Report to Moderator
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Overall thoughts:

PROS:

Decent thriller that fits the fits the challenge. Good ticking-clock scenario.

Lots of stuff that we've seen before, but it's still entertaining, which is the important thing.

End ties everything together well, and is poignant.

CONS:  Rarely transcends its genre limitations, hard to have much sympathy with central character, problems with realism regarding Newman character.


Specifics: Opening image feels a bit forgettable. Now I've finished the script, I get it, but you need to make it stand out more...make the kid more obviously suffering, or make something more distinctive about him.

Could he be splattered in blood or something like that?


Some cliché dialogue in opening pages. Despite this, I don't feel I particularly care, the story is still interesting to me. The narrative drive is strong enough to pull me through.

Page 7 steps into the realms of the unbelievable. My suspension of disbelief is broken.

Firstly by him breaking into the airport in such a way, secondly, by kneecapping the four guards without them returning fire.  Not buying the superhuman accuracy, or their reaction.

Senators, FWIW, spend a lot of time in fancy restaurants to the North of Capitol Hill. A hit in that area would be more believable.



Page 15: Questioning the security guard about footage. not buying it. Dustin has dealt with why.

Also agree with him that he would need to be CIA or something like that. A senator getting taken out is high level stuff. Either change Newman's pay grade, or find a way that makes sense that he's dealing with it (Like they do in Die Hard).

Research the correct procedures as well. Will add to the realism and strengthen the story.

Question: Does Petrovic and his hostages being off screen off screen lower the dramatic tension? Maybe we need to visit him in the flesh from time to time? Keep him in the dark and mysterious, but let's see more of the victims to create empathy?



Not loving this "Emmet" subconscious fella. Feels out of step with the film because it seems too schizophrenic for the main character. Drop it, or give more of a hint to the character's troubled mind.



At one point around page 40, it starts to remind me so much of Nick of Time that it became distracting. Might just be me.



By page 42, I'm thinking we are suffering from not having met Swanson's family at start of the story. I just don't care at all whether they live or die and this harms the dramatic tension.

Started to lose interest a bit at this point, but you managed to turn that round as we went into the final section.



pg 62.. Assassins/agents always go in HOT..they wouldn't need to cock their weapons. Might be the difference between life and death in their game.

It's a movie, I know.



Pg 68. Enjoyed the scene with Jensen.


Nice, quick read to the end. Glad the Russian wasn't the stereo-typical baddie.



Good job.

Some relatively easy issues to fix, other than that it's a good effort.

Rick
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DS
Posted: August 17th, 2014, 7:21am Report to Moderator
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Hi Lee, gave this a read:

P1-2: No time wasted to get straight to the action from the beginning, that's good for a thriller. The dialogue on the first two pages reads a little stiff. I think you could play this up to make Petrovic more intimidating and the whole exchange a little more interesting.

5 minutes is kind of a suspension of disbelief and a very unrealistic expectation. I think you should make this around 15.

P3: SWANSON
What boat?

Him seeing a bunch of boats and looking around with a puzzled face does the trick. Asides usually leave a bad flavour to a script.

P6: Did he not have his licence and registration? I would have liked to see him try to get out of the situation without resorting to violence or at least the scene showing us that it's the only way for him to get out. A look at the glove compartment to show the licence and registration aren't there or Ramirez noticing the vest or sniper rifle for example.

P7: "Swanson shoots precisely, four BLASTS to four kneecaps. They
drop. He confiscates their weapons, punches one unconscious.
Mitchell trembles in fear as Swanson knocks out the
bodyguards with kicks and punches. RING. RING. RING.
" I don't buy it and I don't see any director/actor making this convincing enough for anyone to buy it on the screen. Some realism wouldn't hurt this scene.

P10/11: I very much like the (V.O) usage to make it a scene transition. Something I'll definitely note down for future usage myself. Thanks for this. Definitely gained something from the read.

P13: A FLASHBACK in the slugline would be nice. Liked the quick flashes of current events turning into a flashback.

P14: Is it a CS investigator's job to keep tabs on witnesses and questioning them? I don't think so.

P15: "We're trying to conceive"? That is definitely not something you tell a detective during a murder inquiry.

P19: Hah. I like Scott.

P23: How'd Newman know the manager wasn't who he was looking for/dangerous?

P28: AMY
Wait, you�re just gonna leave?

That line sounds like a death-wish. Considering how scared she was earlier I think it would work better if she just sat there terrified.

A FLASHBACK in the Moscow slug would be nice, once again.

P31: How would Amy know who Swanson is?

Going to stop here. Good job finishing this in such a short span of time, looks like a decent result so far. Was a little confused if Petrovic was just playing with Swanson or if he was on a mission. He seemed curious about something surrounding the senator, but the senator's wife and daughter/the letter etc., it seemed like he was already too many steps ahead to legitimately want to know something that he could have as it seemed to me, easily found out earlier.

Might come back to this later. Hope the feedback is of some help. Congratulations on finishing the OWC and good luck with future drafts.

Revision History (1 edits)
DS  -  August 17th, 2014, 11:04am
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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 17th, 2014, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Lee,

mega congratulations to finishing a feature in the short time allowed!

I've read up to page 15. I will finish it if you'd be willing to trade reads. So far, only Dena has offered to read mine. I will do the same with the other scripts too. I just don't have the time to read nine features and give page by page notes if I don't get feedback in return.

Below are my notes as I read. Some are suggestions. Others are pointing out errors and such. So far, I think you do have a very fast paced thriller. Which is good. It needs some reworking, but all of these scripts will. They are just early drafts after all.

IMHO, Swanson needs better characterization. If we don't like him and trust his character, we're not going to like him assassinating the senator. By killing the senator, we sort of starting to dislike him. I know his family is at risk, but the senator is an innocent person.

The dialogue needs work, but don't let that get you down. I've been told I suck at it.  

Anyway, congrats and hope any of this can be of help.

Page 1.     No need to mention the kid is heading north. We won't know that unless there's a sign that says north. You can just say, as he trudges through the snow. Gives a better image, IMO.

How can we see the photo on the bedside table if it's night and the power is out? Unless there's a reason for it to be that dark in the room, why not have some light so we can see the photo? I'm assuming the photo is of importance...

Oh, now Swanson is switching on the light. Then I think you need to change the "power's out" comment earlier on.

I noticed Khamanna said that "rubs his brow" reads awkward. I would disagree with that here.

Good ending on the first page. Now I have to read on to see what happens next.  

Page 2.     Amanda is not (O.S) unless she is there with Swanson.

What's an arctic truck? Also, I doubt the truck transforms into a one-way street. Words matter. I would re-write that whole last paragraph if I were you. It makes the reader have to re-read it to get what you mean.

Page 3.     You might want to change the five minutes Petrovic mentioned. I don't think Swanson can get into his car, program his GPS drive out and still have 4 miles to go and get there in five minutes from the phone call.

It's cool that you have this clock thing going on, but if we don't know what time he started out from, it's a little hard for us to have something to compare to. Maybe show him setting a timer or show us the time when Petrovic first said he had 5 minutes?

Confusing here at the dock. Swanson climbs onboard, then climbs onto the dock and then in the next scene he's on a speed boat rummaging through some kind of compartment?

Page 4.     I don't know if Swanson would just put on a bomb vest without getting some sort of guarantee from Petrovic that his family will be fine if he does.

Page 5.     Pretty frantic so far. That's good. One question I have though regarding the senator getting on a plane at 10:35pm, that makes it the following night right? Just making sure you're not having this being the same night because then Swanson would've been sleeping quite early in the evening. Also, what happened to the raging thunderstorm?

Page 6.     Police car pursues...

Swanson buttons his shirt? Is he wearing the shirt over the vest?

Sit stationary... now that reads awkward to me. If the cars sit, then they are still. No need to say that they are stationary. You're basically describing the same thing twice.

I thought Swanson got Ramirez a little too easy. Can't see a cop going down that easily.

Page 7.     A clock strokes. Don't you mean strikes?

The sniper rifle is on the passenger seat and Ramirez didn't see it even though he shone the flashlight into his car?

Also, the clock is now 10:32. Wasn't the senator going to be at the terminal by 10:30?

Why is the senator so heavily guarded?

Okay, major problem here with the airport scenario. How exactly can Swanson drive out onto the runway? Airports are fenced in and you can't get in unless you have a code for the gate even on smaller airports. Things have changed dramatically in that regard since 9/11. I know this for a fact. My husband is a pilot. And, the senator would NOT be walking out on the runway. The plane would be landing on the runway, taxi down the taxiway then up to the ramp where it would pick him up.

RING. RING. RING. I thought that was a sound from Swanson taking out the bodyguards. You might want to mention that a phone rings.

Swanson is a machine!!!!! Damn.  

It appears that Petrovic is watching this from somewhere?

Page 8.     Mitchell seems weak and to cheesy as he pleads. Also, I know Swanson's family is at risk, but that still doesn't justify him killing the senator, IMO. What has the senator done to Swanson? To me, he's an innocent as far as I can tell here. We need to know why the senator needs to die.

Page 9.     With all this shooting at an airport, seems to me the place would be swarming with cops or security people by now.

So, the senator needs to be dead before Swanson can get inside his office? Why and how come?

Page 11.   I'm having issues here with the police radio saying there were shots at the airport. A possible homicide. A car driving out on a runway and shots being fired at the airport, is a MAJOR security breach. I don't think some cop in a police car would get that call. This would be Homeland security business. Military style. VERY serious stuff.

Page 12.   Next scene with swanson after he just assassinated a US Senator at an airport...he is back in his car and he drives halfheartedly? That seems a bit off don't you think?

There are now snowflakes drifting through the air. That brings me back to the beginning scene just an hour or so ago when it was a raging thunderstorm going on. I'm not trying to be hard on you, just pointing out inconsistencies. You have to think of these too.

Okay, I see that the snow was part of a transition to Moscow? If so, then that makes more sense of course.

Page 13.   On this page, we're getting a rather big cliche' in the exposition about Swanson...

Page 14.   I'm not really buying this crime scene. I have a really hard time writing these types of scenes myself too. Why? Because I don't know squat about police procedures and it shows whenever I try to write them. I feel the same with yours here. I don't know how come, but it just doesn't feel right at all. I felt like you've watched some CSI type shows, but that is not enough. I remember reading Ledbetter's script and a lot of it felt real to me. Well, he's also worked as a cop and that shows. I think for this to feel real, you need to talk to someone who knows this stuff. And, like I said, I'm in the same boat as you.

Page 15.   So, Newman is NYPD? What jurisdiction does he have at this airport and what airport is this? Have you been to any of the airports in NYC?

I'm with Rebecca here. What the hell kind of questions are those to the security guard and what kind of answer? We're trying to conceive...  

  


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EWall433
Posted: August 17th, 2014, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Hey Lee,

Pg. 2 Petrovic seems way too cryptic. Maybe he’s just toying with Swanson, but if there’s something he actually wants, it would make all the sense in the world for him to just say it. In this case a pier number and boat name would hurt nothing.

Pg. 4 “Your daughter is fine, her husband however...” The problem I had from the first ten remains here. This carries no weight with me. We hear a gunshot and a man on a phone says he shot a man in a photo. We haven’t met Swanson’s family, so they carry almost no dramatic weight. That’s a problem, because almost everything Swanson does from this point forward is to protect them.

Imagine for a second that we begin with Swanson talking to his family on Skype. We meet Amanda and her husband. We see the cute little girl. We get a look at this group being a family, making little inside jokes that only they would understand because they’re close. Then the door gets kicked in. Gunshots. Camera goes crazy and cuts out. Now you have the phone call and it stands a chance of meaning something because we got to know these people a little bit.

Pg. 9 Making the Senator a jerk might make his death go down easier. As played, creates a disconnect between me and Swanson to have him gun down some guy begging for his life. This is exacerbated by the fact that I don’t feel the threat to his family the way I should. Maybe if Swanson came upon him beating the hell out of a stripper, I wouldn’t mind. Basically, I’d make Mitchell the kind of person who would deserve a bullet to the head anyway.

Pg. 12 Never been a fan of the VO breakdown, but it happens. I do dig the visuals that get us into the flashback, though.

Pg. 14-16 I think Newman and Rebecca’s “meet cute” was miscalculated. First, he’s NYPD and she’s FBI. He has no business interrupting her interview and I find it hard to believe that a woman who’s risen to the ranks of FBI would allow a precinct detective to steamroll her so handily. Surely she’s dealt with worse. Secondly, with a Senator shot dead at the airport, the Security Guard wouldn’t need to be sweet talked into cooperating.  As it plays Newman intrudes on Rebecca’s interview, calls her a bitch even though she did absolutely nothing bitchy, then proceeds to acquire information that the airport was obligated by law to give up anyway. It made him look like a blowhard and I would’ve liked her better if she stood up to him.

Pg. 19 I liked the introduction of Amy. I was intrigued by where that was going, but disappointed that it was just another person to shoot in the head.

Newman is put in his place. I like   But I would like it better if Rebecca had Scott’s lines. Give her intelligence, not good eyesight.

Pg. 24 It was at this point I started asking, how does Petrovic even know Swanson’s pulling these triggers. I see you explained it later, but I’d move that up, especially cause him pulling the trigger on a 16 year old girl is hard to take in any context.

Pg. 28 You have Swanson destroying his phone here, but later he has one again. Did I miss something?

Pg. 29 You should slug the Moscow scenes as FLASHBACK. No reason not to. It’s not like you’re trying to hide it.

Pg. 36 Does Petrovic really think Swanson called the cops? Cause he ordered Swanson to execute Mitchell, so you’d have to expect the cops to show up at his house soon after.

Pg. 40 Who does Petrovic supposedly shoot here? Amanda? Wasn’t she shot as punishment for Swanson’s willingness to kill Amy. Is there a fourth family member? This is where knowing the family and having them clear would be a big help.

Pg. 41 "NEWMAN: He’s leaving us a breadcrumb trail." Is he? I never got that sense. What has Swanson done that's indicated he wants to be followed?

“NEWMAN: Not a debate.” He’s not in charge.

Pg. 42 “COP 2: Still pining for a baby.” I don’t think generic cop talk would include the word ‘pining’. Maybe a quirky cop, but he’s not a quirky cop, he’s COP 2.

Pg. 45 Swanson orphans Amy. It’s pretty impossible to come back from that. Plus at this point he doesn’t even seem to be doing a good job at keeping his own family alive either. In terms of the audience identifying with someone, you might actually think about promoting Newman and Rebecca to leads. They have the potential to carry this thing once you smooth out the issues I mentioned. Allow Swanson to be the antagonist he is, cause I just can’t get behind him. Maybe I can pity him, but I can’t “root” for him.

Pg. 46 Ramirez doesn’t seem like the right character for this chase. We know so little about him. He’s just the guy who got punched at the beginning. Get Newman or Rebecca involved. These two are the pursuers and they should be somehow involved with every conflict Swanson has with the law.

Pg. 53 "NEWMAN: With all due respect, Rebecca, I don’t need your consent." Yes, he does. She outranks him. It's odd to give her the title of FBI only to strip her of all the power that position implies. If you intend to keep the dynamic this way, she needs to be a rookie beat cop, or a mall security guard.

Pg. 56 How did Swanson get passed a SWAT team?

Pg. 65 I get a sense of what you’re going for with these two, you’re actually not far off. You just need to make their conflict more equal to keep it interesting. As is, he walks all over her for the most part. Their exchanges tend to fall dead halfway through due to that.

Pg. 69 I’m not sure what that contract means. Is it the one taken out on Petrovic’s family? If so, why did he spare Jansen, but order the senator’s wife to be shot in the head.

Pg. 72 “CO-PILOT (V.O.): Something’s got him spooked!” I think it’s your searchlight, dude.  

Pg. 80 The lights go out (why?) and Swanson escapes Newman again. This feels like a beat already played at the bank.

Pg. 85 I’m not buying a happy ending for Swanson and Petrovic. Do they comprehend that they just murdered some other child’s family. A steeper price has to be paid. Either that or a lesson learned.

I would've preferred to see Swanson, Petrovic and Bradbury in a room together. You seemed to be building up to something pretty big with that guy and the relationship between the three, but it fizzled for me.

Some things left hanging… did Swanson ever use the sniper rifle from the beginning. And I would’ve like to see the bomb vest be used at the end, though for something different than expected. It’s a set-up without a payoff.

I thought the flashbacks were a decent way to reveal information and helped break up the scenery nicely, but I don’t think the Emmet hallucination really added much. I didn’t really get inside Swanson’s head from it, which would be the point of it. Thinking back, if you cut every single Emmet hallucination scene, I don’t think I’d understand Swanson or his situation any less. The flashbacks at least give Petrovic some back story and character, which is necessary cause otherwise he’d just be a voice on a phone

This was decent as an early draft, though it needs smoothing over. It had a lot of drive, but I think it moves too quick, sacrificing character and scene depth for getting to the next thing. As is, a number of the scenes felt like they were being forced forward by either stretching reality or character consistency. It’s okay to take a little more time here and there, if it gives the scene weight.

Then again, there are plenty of action/thrillers that fly by with little regard to character. I tend not to like them, but they get made and often do well. If that’s your aim, then I’d think of creative visual ways to give your action set pieces more impact. If you decide to lean on spectacle, dazzle the **** out of ’em.

And, as I indicated earlier, I'd consider shifting protag duty over to Newman and Rebecca. You can examine Swanson's character and moral dilemma more honestly if you don't have to worry about keeping him likable and relatable too. You can also kill him off at the end or make him suffer. Let's be honest, he deserves it.

Good luck,
Eric
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Reel-truth
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Hey Lee,

You started off, Bang! Right out the gate.

We get thrown into this story, and taking along for the ride. Only thing is... Because you immersed the audience in so quickly, with a high pace, you substituted a critical beginning scene of Swanson and his family. Something in the beginning that would make us invest emotion into these characters. Otherwise we don’t really care too much about them. Nothing for us to relate or hark back to.


SWANSON
Who is this?

PETROVIC (O.S.)
You killed my family, Mr. Swanson.
Did you think I would forget?

I would drop the “did you think I would forget?”  It’s not necessary.  I feel it reads better with out it.

How is Swanson suppose to locate this boat with nothing to go on but…figure it out.? You should have had Petrovic tell Swanson that he has to make it to Swanson’s boat. Now we’re establishing that Swanson owns a boat. Wouldn’t change anything, but it does help close out a plot hole on how he found the exact boat, at the exact marina in NYC. Which have a few of them by the way.

The Senator sure has a  lot of body guards. Was there an attempt on his life before? If so, you might want to have a small indication about it. Either dialogue between bodyguards or the senator himself. Otherwise it seems rather strange why a senator would have so much protection.

Later on you reveal the senators role in all this. But as a SENATOR, it feels like a stretch. But I do remember movies having Senators depicted in this way.  Swordfish for instance.

I like the moment Sawnson kills the senator, how Petrovic says…

PETROVIC (O.S.)
Congratulations, Mr. Swanson. You
just made yourself a wanted man.

Has a feeling like the game has gotten uped.

I didn’t buy into the NYPD detective coming through and taking charge of the scene away from the FBI. And his empathetic charm that he deployed on the security guard. As I read it,  it didn’t even seem the security guard was opposed of telling what he saw. Newman just bursts through and takes over questioning. And the guard just give it up. Didn’t sit well.

How come the FBI didn’t immediately ask for the security footage? Why was Newman the only one to come up with that genius Idea?

NEWMAN
With all due respect, Rebecca, I
don’t need your consent.

Isn’t Rebecca a FED? Doesn’t she have authority over this investigation?

EMMETT
Years from now you might want to
find me. When that day comes, I
won’t hold it against you. Until
then, I’m sorry.

Kind of reminds me of Uma in Kill bill . You could have probably done with out this bit of dialogue as it comes across as too cliché.

NEWMAN
Whatever the case, we have a job to
do and by the time New York wakes
up I want this thing finished.

I get you were referring to the morning. But it’s funny to me because New York is considered the city that NEVER sleeps. Just something to think about.

NEWMAN
Ever feel like your trying to catch
a shadow?

I like this line. Great plug for the title.

REBECCA
If you stay, you’ll die.

Kind of cheesy. You could have said…

REBECCA
Newman -

…And have Newman cut her off…

NEWMAN
GO!

A little less I think would play better.

I do like that Swanson knows it’s not gonna’ blow up and plays along until he decides to knock out Newman.

Overall, it read fast. It definitely did. Good visuals throughout.

The dialogue can be ONT or just straight out of a B- movie at times. It needs work in my opinion.

At times I felt a little lost on where exactly things were taking place at. Some of that back and forth with Moscow probably was the cause. That and the slugs.

Your slugs were functional, but I think needed more detail, A lot of…. CAR, MOVING - NIGHT and then a generic slug on a location.

Sometimes it felt like a challenge to get engaged with a story that seemed to moving at a high velocity for large portions of it.

Now with that being said…. I like it. It was very functional story. Few plot holes sprinkled about. But it had a lot of energy to it. I’m sure some other people have mentioned that in it’s essence, the story isn’t too particularly original. It reminded me of “Getaway” Which isn’t a good thing.

But giving the fact that this was a Six week challenge and the challenge was to create a story with a tick clocking. You passed in spades. Literally a clock…was on the guy’s chest.

But for what it is, It was entertaining and I enjoyed it.

Good luck
Marcello




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