Untitled by Sean Halket - Short, Dramedy - A ship's captain returns from a six year voyage to his wife and son and struggles greatly to reconnect with them. 6 pages - pdf, format

A couple of thoughts... only my opinion of course.

You need a title, I sense you'e still working on this but a working title would be better.

The logline needs a little tidying up, struggles greatly could be better s just struggles.

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be part of something larger? I wonder as I can't see an obvious reason for a 6 year journey?

Lillith - the name took me out of the story, I was execting some demoness or vampire, is this something else for later?

No issue with killing the rat, don't like them myself but not sure if a messy house after a prty justified killing his estranged son's pet?

Be good to know a little more on your thinking behind this one.

I'd club the rat too as far as the story goes,  it needs a resolution. They should at least leave him or something. I dunno. Writing is good... Didn't like the ending.

Tony

A rat got into my kitchen once and somehow got inside the stove. So, I closed all the doors to the kitchen, so it was just me, my boxer dog Rocky and the rat in the oven.

Next thing I did was turn on the oven and wait. I was also telling my dog to prepare. The rat had no choice but to make a run for it, but with nowhere to go my dog had him and tore him to shreds. I'd never seen anything like it before. The look on my dog's face, I'll never forget. He looked like a vampire, blood all over his face and this feral snarl I'd never seen before. He had bloodlust in his eyes. I had to shout really loud, several times, to get him to remember where he was and back away from the dead rat that he was intent on tearing to shreds. It freaked me out a little. Plus I had to clean up the mess.

Code Lying next to him reading a book is his wife LILITH, a beautiful woman in her mid 30’s, carrying with her a comforting sense maternity, even as she simply lies there.

The latter part is a little confusing... a comforting sense maternity?

Code In the aftermath of his drunken escapade he loves his rat as it scuttles around on his lap...

I didn't think it was going to be that type of story. Is it even possible?

Code Earnest and Lilith return home and see the state of their home. Upset is smeared across Lilith’s fragile face.

I'm not surprised. Disgust should be in there too.

Code Ben, in the midst of making his escape, stops in the living room’s doorway and turns around, Steven resting on his shoulder.

What do you mean by, Steven resting on his shoulder? It reads very awkwardly at the moment.

Code Earnest escapes the madness as fast as he can by grabbing his whisky and heading for the bathroom.

It's a bit of a strange place to take a bottle of whisky.

I'm not really feeling this story. I don't like rats so I agree that the rat was better off dead. Not sure what all the crying is about. Kid has a party, gets dirty with a rat, parents catch him, kill the rat, everyone ends up crying.

Good effort, but just doesn't work for me.

i don't know if someone mention this but when you introduce a character the first time i should be in all caps....

"He turns away from her and into the foreground of the shot
in close-up. Lilith gets off the bed to leave. In the
background of the shot we see her stub her toe on the door
frame and fall over. For a beat there is silence, then"

you should avoid using camera directions.... you use alot

also...

you put "In the kitchen, Earnest walks down to the end of the room,
grabs a rolling pin then comes back to the counter as Lilith
and Ben watch."

but you all ready have a scene establishing that they are allready in the kitchen.
int. kitchen - day

try to avoid that. we the reader all ready know he's in the kitchen so it's better writing when you leave "in the kitchen" out..

man...i know it's a short but the ending confused me. why did he go to the bathroom drink and cry? i don't know.

but good luck in the re write on the script

ugo