Hey Reo: I'm through 60 pages now and am going to stop for a bit. So far, with few exceptions, I really like the dialogue - you have a real talent in this area. I find the story very intriguing and believe you have a robust imagination.
Other than the typos - I debated on whether to post the comments that follow because it seemed obvious to me that you knew what you were doing and that perhaps you violates several of the "sacred" rules of screen writing on purpose. Anyway - since I read I decided to post them - these relate to pages 20-40 but the issues appear throughout.
Quoted Text CU last slice of pizza in its box. Panphil snatches it up. She looks PRETTY DAMN HOT on that pizza. |
Okay, I think there are way too many CUs - it is getting distracting. I think you have too much directing in the script.
I don't know what "she looks pretty damn hot on that pizza" means. You already established her hotness up front - have her do something here - e.g., takes a bite and seductively licks her lips.
Quoted Text The laser printer warms up. And warms up. AND WARMS UP. He glances at the door again. |
A bit over written for a printer turning on.
Quoted Text MASON Your lawyer. I hope he's as good as mine. Or pray Gayle's is a dim-wit.
|
typo - the is is redundant since you already have Gayle's
Quoted Text Mason analyzes Panphil for an uncomfortably long second. Back to his scope. Tunes more knobs. The back of his head talks: |
Okay - now the staccato style is starting to be a bit distracting. You are over doing it, IMO. Try something like:
Mason analyzes Panphil for an uncomfortably long second. He turns back
to his scope and tunes the knobs.
Not to pick nits - but for my eye - the staccato style works very effectively when you are trying to depict quick/rapid actions (e.g., he pulls a gun - fires). It serves as a distraction when the action is normal or slow. e.g., something like staring at someone for a moment and then turning away to something else. i.e., when a complete sentence can do the trick - use a complete sentence.
Quoted Text Veronica's minimalist office oozes status as a corporate executive. (she's a decent sense of art decor, too). |
typo - s/b she has
Quoted Text "Red Boar" (energy drink) |
Did you mean Red Bull?
Quoted Text VERONICA I'm sick of you with this! The underling freaks out. Almost drops the files. Veronica points to her BLUE-TOOTH. VERONICA (to underling) No, not you, Kara. You're fine. Kara drops the files on Veronica's desk. Darts out. |
Might as well establish Kara as the character up front (i.e., rather than UNDERLING) since you are giving her a name anyway.
Quoted Text VERONICA You're his father, for crying out loud, Jason! You can't keep forgetting about him like you do! You think these things happen on their own? |
There are tons of places where Veronica is referring to husband as Jason (e.g., you did this,
Jason). Nuke the Jasons. Married couples do not talk to each other like that. Actually, most people who are familiar with each other to do include the person's name in the dialogue - it sounds unnatural and you do that way too often.
Quoted Text PANPHIL Barbaric. But necessary, I suppose. So why was Gene Hackmen was shut down? |
typo - two was's
I really don't like this:
Quoted Text Enough with all this DREADFUL EXPOSITION. Let's finally |
It was fine exposition and if it was dreadful you shouldn't have it in the first place. I know the line is meant to be clever - but it took me out of the story for a moment
the helo, the boat, the Iranian marines on board, and all that
synergy. The sound of the CHOPPER on hover also FADES OUT.
Quoted Text MUSIC still OVER as we glide across the darkened deep away from the drama. The CHOPPING of an outboard motor FADES IN.
FG FOCUS ON a small ZODIAC-style inflatable motorboat. Full speed ahead. In the dark. Gunning right for us. It puts distance from the boat. And the chopper. And the Iranian marines. And the searchlight.
CLOSE ON the zodiac: Panphil and Mason. She's at the helm.
|
Again - I like the action - but way too much directing. IMO. In many places this reads like a shooting script rather than a Spec script.
Anyway - use or discard the above - your choice. I know you know what you are doing.