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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Project Gene Hackmen Moderators: bert
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  Author    Project Gene Hackmen  (currently 2138 views)
Don
Posted: August 22nd, 2014, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Project Gene Hackmen by Reo Maynard - Action, Adventure - After a rash of base shootings, a retired genome scientist (a gene hacker) is brought out of retirement to confront the threat of a former colleague implicated in the shootings. 103 pages - pdf, format


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CameronD
Posted: August 22nd, 2014, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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????


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TonyDionisio
Posted: August 23rd, 2014, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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It's titled gene hackMEN,  not the Jewish actor Gene Hackman who played Lex LutherAN in Superman.
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Dustin
Posted: August 23rd, 2014, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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It does sound like Gene Hackman though... particularly here in England where, in most regions I can think of, we soften the final 'a'. Scotland and Wales may be different. So when said out loud here, it would sound like Project Gene Hackman and cause some confusion. Even for the US, it's a little close.

Why not call it Project Gene Hacker?


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ReoMaynard
Posted: September 14th, 2015, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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It's about MEN who hack the GENOME!

"Gene Hackmen"

and yes it's a play on words
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TonyDionisio
Posted: September 16th, 2015, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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I still don't think hackmen is a word. You would need to title it: hack men. But, I guess with a title, anything goes.
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eldave1
Posted: September 16th, 2015, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Reo - I read the first twenty - overall - loved it.

Not sure about all of the CU ons - but didn't bother my read.

The back and forth will Mason looking at the bottle while talking to Panphil was too much for me and took my out of some otherwise very compelling dialogue.

Very early on you do an outstanding job of establishing your character's voices and personality - I knew who I was seeing right away.

So - far I am a fan - swamped right now but I will finish this eventually.










My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: September 16th, 2015, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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There's a definite voice, but some slips with grammar here and there. Have you had someone proofread this for you? Either that or you're a foreign speaker with an excellent grasp of English. Just good enough to pass while showcasing your natural storyteller flow.

Good luck.


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eldave1
Posted: September 17th, 2015, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Reo: I'm through 60 pages now and am going to stop for a bit. So far, with few exceptions, I really like the dialogue - you have a real talent in this area. I find the story very intriguing and believe you have a robust imagination.

Other than the typos - I debated on whether to post the comments that follow because it seemed obvious to me that you knew what you were doing and that perhaps you violates several of the "sacred" rules of screen writing on purpose. Anyway - since I read I decided to post them - these relate to pages 20-40 but the issues appear throughout.



Quoted Text
CU last slice of pizza in its box. Panphil snatches it up.
She looks PRETTY DAMN HOT on that pizza.


Okay, I think there are way too many CUs - it is getting distracting. I think you have too much directing in the script.

I don't know what "she looks pretty damn hot on that pizza" means. You already established her hotness up front - have her do something here - e.g., takes a bite and seductively licks her lips.


Quoted Text
The laser printer warms up. And warms up. AND WARMS UP. He
glances at the door again.


A bit over written for a printer turning on.


Quoted Text
MASON
Your lawyer. I hope he's as good as
mine. Or pray Gayle's is a dim-wit.


typo - the is is redundant since you already have Gayle's


Quoted Text
Mason analyzes Panphil for an uncomfortably long second. Back
to his scope. Tunes more knobs. The back of his head talks:


Okay - now the staccato style is starting to be a bit distracting.  You are over doing it, IMO. Try something like:

Mason analyzes Panphil for an uncomfortably long second. He turns back
to his scope and tunes the knobs.

Not to pick nits - but for my eye - the staccato style works very effectively when you are trying to depict quick/rapid actions (e.g., he pulls a gun - fires). It serves as a distraction when the action is normal or slow. e.g., something like staring at someone for a moment and then turning away to something else. i.e., when a complete sentence can do the trick - use a complete sentence.


Quoted Text
Veronica's minimalist office oozes status as a corporate
executive. (she's a decent sense of art decor, too).


typo - s/b she has


Quoted Text
"Red Boar" (energy drink)


Did you mean Red Bull?


Quoted Text
VERONICA
I'm sick of you with this!
The underling freaks out. Almost drops the files. Veronica
points to her BLUE-TOOTH.
VERONICA
(to underling)
No, not you, Kara. You're fine.
Kara drops the files on Veronica's desk. Darts out.


Might as well establish Kara as the character up front (i.e., rather than UNDERLING) since you are giving her a name anyway.


Quoted Text
VERONICA
You're his father, for crying out
loud, Jason! You can't keep
forgetting about him like you do! You
think these things happen on their
own?


There are tons of places where Veronica is referring to husband as Jason (e.g., you did this, Jason). Nuke the Jasons. Married couples do not talk to each other like that. Actually, most people who are familiar with each other to do include the person's name in the dialogue - it sounds unnatural and you do that way too often.


Quoted Text
PANPHIL
Barbaric. But necessary, I suppose.
So why was Gene Hackmen was shut down?


typo - two was's

I really don't like this:


Quoted Text
Enough with all this DREADFUL EXPOSITION. Let's finally


It was fine exposition and if it was dreadful you shouldn't have it in the first place. I know the line is meant to be clever - but it took me out of the story for a moment

the helo, the boat, the Iranian marines on board, and all that
synergy. The sound of the CHOPPER on hover also FADES OUT.


Quoted Text
MUSIC still OVER as we glide across the darkened deep away
from the drama. The CHOPPING of an outboard motor FADES IN.

FG FOCUS ON a small ZODIAC-style inflatable motorboat. Full
speed ahead. In the dark. Gunning right for us.
It puts distance from the boat. And the chopper. And the
Iranian marines. And the searchlight.

CLOSE ON the zodiac: Panphil and Mason. She's at the helm.


Again - I like the action - but way too much directing. IMO. In many places this reads like a shooting script rather than a Spec script.

Anyway - use or discard the above - your choice. I know you know what you are doing.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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TonyDionisio
Posted: September 17th, 2015, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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You mean there's actually a script after the title?
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