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Father, Come Quick by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror - A young woman struggles to cope with her bed ridden, hate filled, harridan of a Mother, and seeks help to lift the burden from her absent Father. - pdf, format
This was written for a specific Director, so script was developed with specific requirements in mind - unfortunately the money for the production fell through
So I am dusting it off and re-looking at it, thoughts appreciated as always.
I like the way you used the opening to deliver exposition.
I didn't like the extra at the end with the Father and daughter fight. Far more convincing and frightening would be to leave it at the punchline... her mom being dead. I think the entire build up should be around that reveal. The Father shocked at the end is enough.
I had no trouble reading the script, I could visualise the scenes and characters.
A minor gripe really, if you'd written this for a specific Director and they understood the scenes then it doesn't matter, but It could be trimmed. For example:
'She looks confused by the absence of her Father at the table.'
The audience has seen he's moved from the table, she comes back in the room and looks confused, do we need it explaining why?
Spoilers about the Story below:
I just found the whole thing surreal. Maybe that's the intention but it's set as a horror, yet it's more of a dark fantasy. The characters don't seem to exist in the real world. This is because you were keen to link to the Little Red Riding Hood tale. It's too heavy and instead of subtly hinting at the parallels, it's full on as if it's the same tale.
The twist is that she is the wolf. Not bad but this has been covered in 'Once Upon a Time so had less of an impact on me than maybe it should have done.
She's from a family of Werewolves and she's apparently gone nuts. I couldn't quite work out why she's nuts. It seems to be a combination of her parents breaking up and her not supposed to have ever been born. I suppose that could make you go crazy but it's not enough of an explanation to me and it also doesn't explain why she chooses now to go bonkers while pretending to be normal for the audience....until it's time to let on she's actually crazy.
The old crones (witches) at the beginning talking about Wolf attacks just as she walks past. It was too convenient for me and seemed there simply to set up to the audience that she's a wolf.
The 'conversation' between her and her mother all O.S while the audience stares at an empty room is also a setup for the big reveal that mom's dead and her daughter is great at doing voices. However, anyone who's seen or heard of Psycho pretty much knows what's going on here.
I agree with Dustin, the attack on the Father is too much. It comes right out of no-where and instead of being a surprise twist it's a puzzling change that generates lots of questions with no answers.
The shock that the mother is dead would have been more surprising if done after a more subtle, less surreal journey, or if you'd gone and set this in a fairy tale world. As it is, because you've tried to set it somewhere in the middle it doesn't quite pull off for me but it was a very interesting idea. Hats off for thinking outside the box.
Mark
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Thanks for the reads and feedback, really appreciated.
Dustin - originally the director wanted a physical monster and had a makeup guy who was gonna create a cross between a wolf and an imp, and they'd have a fight at the end. In this version I've moved away from this, but you're right it could end with the mother revelation... will ponder on that.
Mark - thanks for the extensive notes, great depth and just what I was looking for. So...
Trimming - good point, I think it does read a little overlong.
Surrealness and setting - Some of this is definitely intentional, I was trying to set it in a time that could be 1700s or now, hence no mention of technology etc. This was partly as it seemed to evolve that way, and partly as I thought it gave the director more scope.
Red Riding Hood - The director wanted this, but may not be as well suited now... though interested to understand why you thought it as too heavy - I definitely want to fix this and have it reasonably subtle.
Wolf twist - well she might be a wolf, she certainly thinks so and so does her father but I used the mirror device to make this less of a definite. One of the contemporary explanations of medieval tales of werewoves was mental illness, so I wanted to imply that but ultimately leave it open.
Why she's nuts - yep, abandonment issues, harridan of a mother and she may be from a family of werewolves... certainly a few issues.
Crones - good point, perhaps heavy handed, will ake this less obvious.
Mother and the conversation, I wasn't happy with this really, originally it isn't off screen, it's a full on arguement with spittle flying, tears, shouting etc... think I'll go back to thisand see if it works better.
I'll get some more feedback (hopefully) and pool it all for an imminent re-write.
Small point but you mention Darian which I assume is the father, but he wasn't given a name. One to check.
If you are after a little red riding hood theme, or parallel, I would suggest starting in the woods, at first without any reference to the topic, then later we see a parallel with the blanket and then your final twist. Sets the theme a little more directly.
I rather like the 'monster' we've created angle, but as an alternative instead of a wolf how about her with wolf teeth. In effect we are showing what happens to the girl more clearly than a change to a different creature. Just a thought.
One could also argue that at first it appears she runs to the father out of desperation, yet later the motives seem different - revenge. Ok, if you are unhinged, logic may not follow, but still it could be argued this is inconsistent. How about her mother shouts out this has got to stop. She reflects on it and agrees, it has to stop. Off she goes to the father we think to get him to speak, or possibly shoot, the mother, only to see that by killing the father she will free. Again just a thought.
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I'm with Dustin in this one. You have a good twist, so this is where the story should probably end. (I mean, now that the initial requirements are gone.)
The conversation between Mae and Ruth is a little bit too long to happen off screen, IMO. Maybe you could show Mae speaking and only "hide" Ruth. Mae wouldn't need to look at the corpse - she could speak with her eyes on the floor or something. (Perhaps a flashback of her, as a girl, being afraid of looking angry Ruth in the eyes would make the scene more convincing.)
Nice, well-written script though. With a few changes, it could easily make a good film.
Dustin - originally the director wanted a physical monster and had a makeup guy who was gonna create a cross between a wolf and an imp, and they'd have a fight at the end.
A well written script. Normally werewolves shape shift when a full moon is out. (So Mythology states) Perhaps giving away little snippets of Mae changing when she is under moonlight, for example, rushing back to the house with her father from the woods? Or would that just give too much of the story away?
I definitely think there should be a bit more of a back story with the parents knowing there is something not quite right with their daughter, hence the comments "We shouldn't of had you"
Anyways, this kept me reading and I could visualise the script all the way through.
Dustin - yeah the makeup guys show reel looked cool, c'est la vie...
Lee - many thanks for the read, appreciated. I definitely avoided moon and more traditional werewolf motifs, tried to keep it lower key and play a little with her state of mind. Back story, previous version had more, then I stripped it out... may put some of it back in when I re-write.
MRS HULDA She deserves it, poor Ruth - bed ridden and widowed.
- I’m sure we’ll learn more but this seemed harsh on poor Mae. That’s an old crone for you I suppose
Pretty tough scene on page four, nice touch to have it off screen, just let the words carry the meaning, the situation and personality of these characters.
On the basis of Ruth’s attitude here I can see why she would be best friends with those old Bags in the first scene. Although, we get an idea as to why Mrs. Hulda was so mean to Mae with the insinuation that sheis responsible for her mother being crippled. It’s still tough on the girl though, she was only six!
“With a deft twirl the blanket is around her head and shoulders and she runs on.”
- With the mention of a possible Wolf in the first scene are we getting something analogous to Little Red Riding Hood here? A modern reimagining?
Ok, I understand we are in fairytale territory now but are we to believe nobody is aware of Mae’s father living in a cabin in the woods? Seemingly within walking distance of their house?
FATHER Oh, I don’t know about that, she won’t want to see me.
MAE But you can tell her how it’s not all my fault.
FATHER Er, I’m not sure that’s a good idea Mae.
- I’m ambivalent about the father since he’s suppose to be this beacon of strength, protection, and love for Mae yet he won’t get off his pussy backside and sort out the hateful Ruth! I mean, as in talk to her, set her straight. Or even allow Mae to live with him, the dude is a bloody coward!
FATHER Okay, okay, look I’ll come and try and get her to understand.
- Da?n straight!
“Darian gets up and takes a rifle down from the wall.”
- That’s a bit ominous, what exactly does he plan to do with the rifle? Some casual hunting along the way? Mae should be asking this too. Again, I understand you’re paying homage to the fairytale and I expect a wolf to get involved sometime soon which Darian will be armed to fight against… although Ruth could nearly be anticipated to embody that character.
“Mae runs through the hallway and into the living room.”
- Why is she running when she’s just told her father “Let’s be quiet, in case she’s asleep”? Rather counterintuitive, no?
MAE (over her shoulder) Won’t be a minute Dad, just wait in the living room for me.
- I’m starting to get wary of Mae’s intentions now given the way she is acting. Or maybe you just want to build up the reveal of Ruth’s entrance on screen.
“Her face is a rictus grin, a dessicated husk. She has been dead for weeks if not months.”
- Nice twist, should’ve seen it coming but didn’t. Explains a number of my earlier notes/queries. Also, my Microsoft word is telling that its spelt “desiccated”.
“The reflection is not Mae, in her place is a wild beast.”
- Cool subversion of the fairytale too.
BEAST (IN MIRROR) I think you did, deserting me with the crazy old lady for days on end.
- Erm, still don’t explain the transmutation, love
BEAST (IN MIRROR) And nothing, you’re just weak!
- Right on, totally siding with girl/beast here regardless of what has just been revealed to us. Darian (who I just realised is being referred to as Father again) has a lot to answer for in terms of his (non) parenting role in her life.
“There is nothing near him, but the rifle is in the hallway”
- I think it would make more sense if you dropped the “is” in between “rifle” and “in” as you are giving the impression Darian can see it from where he’s at.
“Mae returns to the living room, a new knife in each hand.”
- I know I’m being a pedantic a?shole now but wouldn’t Mae have planned this out and had knives on hand and ready? Or even when she disappears upon first entering the house with Darian? You’re gonna need back-up knives, girl, stock up!
Overall, this has some potential, a few unforeseen tricks up its sleeve, at least for me anyway. I liked the treatment of the fairytale and the alterations you made (pun intended ) which caught me by surprise. However, because you were borrowing from the fairytale some parts didn't quite work when adapted, like the father who has apparently bailed on the family just living a little out of town without anybody knowing. I mean, a lot of years has passed, I’m thinking 9 or 10 at the very most given her age and the mention of her being six when the accident happened. Are you suggesting the village folk are privy to all this too but just turn a blind eye? The opening conversation would suggest the contrary.
On that note, what do we think happened Ruth? Was she ever bed ridden or was that the excuse Mae fed the villagers when she killed her? Of course that doesn't make sense as Mae was only 6 and the corpse is said to be only a few months old. I did wonder about this mysterious accident that befell Ruth but appreciate it if you want to keep it unexplained.
Also, knowing Mae’s bestial nature shouldn't Ruth have been afraid of her as opposed to being cruel towards her? I know I’d be scared sh?tless to piss off my half daughter/half beast!
I like the idea of the father being half beast and spawning Mae but why wasn't he honest with her from the beginning, as in when she’d be old enough to understand? Surely he knew it was going to be an issue down the line when she got older and realised her “special” ability. Naturally, that leads on to more questions as to where the father comes from, what are his origins. His penchant for hunting fits in perfectly as a method for him to satiate his inner beast’s appetite though, nice touch there. Anyway, I’m probably taking all this too seriously; it’s an interesting reworking of a familiar story.
Lee - when a re-write is done I'll message you, value your thoughts.
Howard - once again, thanks for the excellent and extensive notes, I owe you a drink or ten!
A quick response on some of your points...
1) I didn't mean to imply that no one knew her father was alive and in the woods, if it came accross that way apols - he's meant to be just estranged, will have a look and make sure it's clearer. 2) Father/Darian - will revise and stick to just one name 3) Ruth and Mae have a little more back story in an earlier version which i'm contemlating restoring, so yes Mae was 6 when she was responsible for an accident that crippled her mother. A fact that her mothe never lets her forget and has twisted her mother into a resentful old crone. 4) Mae's bestial nature... my intention was to riff on the theme's of the wolf/werewolf mythos, so I'd not intended her Mother or Father to expect that she'd become one. 5) Same answer re Father really too, he's not necessarily expecting it to happen, but he's certainly not suprised.
Glad you liked it and the twists worked effectively for you, your notes and those from everyone else are going to be digested and fed into a revised version over next couple of weeks.
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