Mark
The whole opening conversation feels like it should’ve happened before now, not when Robin is right at her destination. In particular, her asking for directions. I’m of the understanding she is some sort of service engineer whose on call and probably very busy too so she needs to get briefed on the road but it still stuck out for me that we’re getting all this information through dialogue just before she reaches Washingtonville.
On the other hand, I get why you chose to have her make the call near the town so phone coverage would be bad and Wayne would get continually cut off but could some of the information about the nature of the town and the MRI specifics be reserved until Robin gets there and meets the doctor? As its written, it reads like exposition.
WAYNE
I said things don't change. They
just get more comfortable over
time.
- I like this line.
I wonder would it add to the suspense if you kept the conversation less explanatory, more elliptical, like a boss discussing a job with a worker. Yes, it’s a slightly exceptional call given the town’s isolation, lack of doctor visits and ancient MRI but it would add to the mystery if we didn’t learn so much so soon about the situation. All we should know is that Robin is going to repair an MRI in a secluded town.
Although, I do realise there are going to be a few more revelations as the story unfolds, money is on the no-doctor-visits playing an integral part…Reading on…
ROBIN
That's a very old-fashioned name
for such a young girl.
- Ha, I was thinking the same thing. Robin doesn’t half tell her how she feels, does she? Although, she does say after that she likes it. I guess I automatically attach negative connotations to anything labelled “old-fashioned”
ROBIN
No. My boss was who spoke with
him.
- Reads a little awkward which may be the point, Robin could be still a little nervous. If it isn’t it could be rewritten to something like:
“No. He only spoke to my Boss.”
Also (perhaps he did allude to it but it was obscured by static) I thought Wayne would’ve mentioned the Doctor’s speech impediment to Robin in the opening scene.
MAUDE
It is nice meeting you finally.
MAUDE
Everyone gets lost. I'm glad you
found your way.
- Very portentous dialogue here, which is not a criticism, it just sends the alarm bells ringing in terms of Maud and her father’s true reasons for calling Robin out. Sinister ulterior motives ahoy!
MAUDE
Patrick? Is it ready?
- Slightly unnerving that a 13 year old refers to her father by his name. Intentional on your part I imagine.
“His face is disfigured, eaten and corroded by acid.”
- Effectively shocking visual and introduction the character but indicating his age wouldn’t go amiss either. Or is it impossible to tell because of his disfigurement?
“Patrick mumbles something under his deep breaths to her.”
- Disfigurement and friendly demeanour aside, I’m not trusting this guy!
“Robin prepares to get on the gurney and go into the machine.”
- Don’t do it!
Good tension being built here as she’s about to go inside. Claustrophobic or sick or otherwise, no one fancies being put in one of those machines, you’d feel so defenseless if someone on the outside were to do something. Unsettling as fu?k!
ROBIN
A little. But I think I'll be
fine.
- I was surprised she admitted to this. Doesn’t her job entail going into these things?
“Patrick might be smiling.”
- I liked that prose, gives us an idea just how disfigured he is.
PATRICK
It's too tight. You won't be able
to move your hands from your side
once you're in there. Put your
hands on your chest, fetal-like.
- Sh?t, that doesn’t bode well with the situation. She doesn’t even have hands now to defend herself.
He picks up the straps hanging from the side and quickly thrusts them around Robin's ankles.
- Hmm, not good, not good at all!
ROBIN
What's wrong?
- Does she not know? Would she not have felt the straps over her legs regardless whether she can move them?
ROBIN
What the hell are you doing?
- She staying very calm in all this. By now, as my notes have suggested, I would be freaking out, big time. Particularly when hearing the drill.
PATRICK
I was wondering if you'd be able to
recognize my voice after my attack
or not.
- You could probably lose “or not”. And save a line!
With the abortion reveal I’m reminded of your feature “Thistles”. If I remember correctly, it plays a big part in that too.
ROBIN
Ow. What are you doing?
- Sorry, I couldn’t help giggling at this. Seems more of annoyance than anything, like someone tickling you. I suspect it’s going to get gruesome from here on in…
Patrick presses firmer and more aggressive with the rod.
ROBIN
Why are you doing this?
- I take it this is your intention and more is to be revealed but I’m with Robin here in that, right now, her transgression doesn’t warrant such vengeance from Patrick.
ROBIN
The protestors, when they threw
acid on you? I saw it on the news.
- This gives greater reasoning for Patrick’s revenge but still, he should be taking some of the accountability too. Also, I’m finding it hard to buy that Robin didn’t cop him before. Surely when she heard about the protestors throwing acid at him, she would never forget it, knowing she had a part to play in it coming to pass. Any disfigured person encountered since would’ve stirred up those memories.
ROBIN
They threw acid on you because of
the abortions you did on me and the
other girls. And now you're taking
it out on me.
- Does this need to be said? It feels repetitive since she has just stated it above. By now, we can join the dots on the basis of what we know, both us and the characters.
ROBIN
I don't understand.
- Phew, cos neither do I. Again, this line indicates it is your intention to present Patrick’s logic as skewed right now…Reading on…
ROBIN
Maude? You're still here,
sweetheart? Please try to talk
with your dad.
- Just throwing this out there but is Maude Robin’s daughter? Is the reason why he took late-term abortions was so he could actually deliver the babies safely? Reading on…
PATRICK
But you said you'd choose an
old-fashioned name. You liked
them.
- Nice call back to the earlier conversation about Maude’s name. It also explains Maude’s line about “finally” getting to meet Robin and her initial uneasiness around her. It’s coming together now…
Nice reverse roles with Patrick giving Maude the option to exercise the ultimate revenge. I can’t help thinking that Patrick is more than a little sick putting a 13 year on the spot like that. This is obviously going to scar her for life and give rise to a very troubled person. So much for Patrick denouncing the violence breeds violence cycle.
However, I get I’m just moralising events from a safe distance, it’s easy for me to take this point of view. It’s gripping drama and an intriguing situation in which to put your characters.
“It finally pops back in and her eye scrolls back down into
place.”
- How did she do that? That a party trick I must learn
Seriously though, I was confused by it. She was jabbed in the nose but her eye got misplaced?
ROBIN
That's why I don't care what you do
to me, Maude. I deserve it. I'm
just so relieved to know you're
alive and that you've been very
well taken care of.
- Good answer, sure to warm the most vengeful of hearts
PATRICK
Keep your shoulder and rib bruises
covered up, though. They won't ask
any questions.
- Why tell her this? Could they not just be explained via the hiking fall too?
ROBIN
It'll explain the
bruises and scratches, too. He
knows I get clumsy when I'm
excited.
- I don’t think there is any need for this either. We can presume she’ll feed her boss the same line as the hospital regarding her injuries.
“Patrick walks the wheelchair back, pushes it inside the building and closes the office door behind him.”
- Maybe rewrite the “behind him” part as it seems as if Patrick has re-entered the building.
Letting a 13 year old behind the wheel of a van, now there’s trust!
Overall, I’ve mixed feelings about this. To your credit, similar to “The Ephesian” and “Thistles” you tackle complex, moralistic scenarios in your work where no single answer will suffice. There are multiple sides to the situations, just like real life, with each having their own perspectives, motivations and case for being “in the right”.
This is no different. Should Robin pay the price for past mistakes? Is Patrick crazy or righteous? Should he have involved Maud in such an intimate level as its surely going to have consequences down the line? Is this really the appropriate beginning to a belated mother and daughter relationship?
There are arguments for and against but whatever your standpoint, you do have an ability to create strong characters and tense situation where choice plays a key part, our humanity towards one another, and that to me is interesting.
However, I did have some reservations about some of the dialogue and how you went about it as you’ll see from my notes. I understand you need an extended central scene of Maud hurting Robin in order for the change, which occurs in both, to be believable. We need to go through the motions, the whole grizzly process of it in order to relate. Maud needs to ask the questions, display her doubts and of course Robin needs to realise, in an honest and heartfelt way (albeit under duress) that she is a better person now, that she has changed and is capable of correcting her wrongs, looking after Maud, etc.
It’s the scenes around that which could do with some trimming, there is a lot of padding before and after the main scene that could be jettisoned in order to get this in under 20 pages which I think is achievable. I know I’m not one to talk as my scripts tend to be primarily between 20-30 pages but here, with the story you’re working with, it could definitely lose a few pages. Also, the prose could be cut, tightened up as I noticed a lot of sentences only went a word or two into the next line. These could be reduced to save space.
Story-wise, I wondered about a few things, purely on a practical level. What did Patrick do with the children he pretended to abort? Did he just look after them himself like Murtagh and the Asian family in lethal Weapon 4?
Seriously though, how would he have pulled this off without anyone knowing? The poor guy got acid thrown in his face, surely then the truth would’ve come out amid investigations and him being hospitalized, etc.
I know you touch upon it at the end with the paperwork but can Robin just assume guardianship like that? Because she is the biological mother I imagine that cuts out a lot of the red tape but again, in the process of that, wouldn’t the truth come out. I don’t think the transition is as easy as the script would have us think.
Are we to believe that Patrick just broke into that building and used it for this purpose or did he actually buy it? I presume it’s the former and again, I question the plausibility of that.
How did he know that Robin would be the one to get the call out? The boss’s logic was that she was the closet (I imagine in terms of where she was driving at the time not where she lives) and the best electrician.
And just to go back to the supposed righteousness of Patrick’s “plan” or reuniting these kids with their mothers, is it really the best way to go about it? The most helpful? I know you are doing it for drama’s sake, a normal sit down with tea and biscuits simply won’t carry the same cinematic weight
but I can’t ignore the ramifications this experience will have on a 13 year old mind, or Robin’s for that matter.
Plus, it’s also intimated that the other kids may not have come to the same decision as Maud did, which does add an effective creepy edge to proceedings and makes me think that Patrick is at the far side of mad and probably should be stopped. I mean, who knows what circumstances those other mothers were in when the came to Patrick for abortions all those years ago?
Either way, it will make for a helluva “How I met my mother” story at parties!
So while I see flaws in some of the execution here, I do appreciate the themes explored, the overall positive message of forgiveness and the belief in the power we have to mend our own ways.
Col.
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The Fosterer
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