All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Hope is a Glimmer by Elisha - Short, Splice of Life - We don't know the value of our lives until the moment were faced with death. 4 pages - pdf, format
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Online
DustinBowcot
Posted: September 27th, 2014, 1:06pm
Guest User
Not exactly a logline... and there is a grammatical error. Not a good start. Oh well, it's only four pages, what can go wrong?
Well, here are your first few words:
Code
JOSEPH is seen...
Who sees him? You don't make any mention of anyone watching his actions so I can only assume that you mean the viewer. Joseph is seen by the viewer. You don't need to point out the fact that the viewer is seeing something. Just write what is on the screen. Joseph walks through the front door.
Actually, your slug is wrong as well. You have him undressing in his home, but where in his home is he?
Code
JOSEPH is seen getting back from work undressing in anger,
murmuring to himself.
How do we know he has just gotten home from work? Maybe he's wearing dirty work clothes?
Code
He is undecided on what to eat for
dinner, he goes back and forth from the refrigerator to his
couch.
You need to make a new slug for each room of the house as each would require a new set. You also shouldn't tell us he is undecided. Simply show us what is on screen. He going back and forth from the couch to the refrigerator is enough to show his indecision.
Code
His phone rings it’s a call from mom.
Distinct lack of commas in your work, but I can live without those. You're also telling us something again. It's a call from mom. How do you SHOW it's a call from mom? Show don't tell.
Code
MOTHER (V.O.)
All right I won’t force you but
remember were here for you if you
need us. Okay? Love you.
Same grammatical error as your logline... we're.
Code
JOSEPH (V.O.)
Have you ever had a dream, so vivid
that for a moment it was real. I
[b]use[/b] to think death was something I
was ready for simply because [b]dieing[/b]
would be the only exciting event I
would look forward [b]too[/b]. So I
welcomed death like a cold winter.
You don’t want it but you’re tired
of the hot summer.
Typos: used, dying, to.
That's enough for now, you may not even be around.
I can see the message you are trying to deliver but I don't think the best example of knowing what you have is through a dream. Perhaps a near death experience or something?
I found that in some places it was just awkward to read.
Your last paragraph Joseph enters the bathroom, there should be a slug here.