SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 12:50am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Story of Us Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 6 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Story of Us  (currently 1371 views)
Don
Posted: October 2nd, 2014, 6:30am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Story of Us by Christian Turner - Drama - 20-something writer Nick Johnson is commissioned to write a novel based on the lives of his friends and decides to do so in secret.  62 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
LeeOConnor
Posted: December 27th, 2014, 5:12am Report to Moderator
New



Location
UK
Posts
148
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hi Christian,

Thought I would give your script a read, here are my thoughts and opinions.


"We fade into the lobby of a busy office building as professional types file in and out of various elevators, entrances and exits."

This is uncomfortable to read IMO. You don't need 'we fade into' Nor do we need the lobby. Your scene heading tells us where we are.
Don't direct the scene, describe it.

For example:

"A busy office building full of professional types" Something like that.

"Among the hustle and bustle, we find NICK JOHNSON - 25, a good looking guy if only because he’s currently dressed to the nine’s in a dapper suit - entering the building."

Again this reads awkwardly. Try to avoid words like "we" and "see" etc. So this sentence becomes -

"Among the hustle and bustle, NICK JOHNSON, 25, good looking and tailored with no expense spared, enters"

Just something like that.

"The ding of the elevator is heard and the doors open. Reggie doesn’t say anything and exits the elevator. Nick watches as she walks into the adjacent office and the elevator doors close."

You don't need "is heard" maybe just simply write "ding" or the elevator dings.

Also, I don't think you really need to tell us that the elevator doors are closing, it has no significance to the scene and it really isn't exciting to read.
Keep things minimal and interesting.

These are just a few of my thought and opinions of course.

Lee
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
TheReccher
Posted: January 2nd, 2015, 12:27am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
43
Posts Per Day
0.01
Just to let you know a page count of 62 will probably make the producer toss this aside right away. A feature length film is 90-120 pages typically. You might get some leeway on the lower end for horrors and comedies, but even than it's a gray area.  

Right now this doesn't technically constitute a script, unless you want to market it as a short story, but it's too large for that. Find areas of your story that's under explained, or underdeveloped and expand.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006