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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Rip and Burn Moderators: bert
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  Author    Rip and Burn  (currently 1193 views)
Don
Posted: October 10th, 2014, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rip and Burn by Eric Ward - Action, Thriller - From the car scene of LA, a mysterious loner dishes out bloody justice in the form of wrecked cars and burnt flesh, with the help from a sexy vixen in charge of a 50 Cal sniper rifle, against an evil the Law won't dare to touch. 69 pages - pdf, format


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Lono
Posted: October 11th, 2014, 9:20am Report to Moderator
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Eric,

I took a quick peek. Your logline needs an overhaul. It's just bad.

You do have a grasp on the format, but the writing is awkward.

Quoted Text
Then two heavily-worked muscle cars do burnouts
side-by-side. The ensuing burnout creates a cloud of thick
white smoke.
A Disco Ball Light enlivens the atmosphere by coloring the
burnout smoke with it�s lights. A silver-framed sunglasses
wearing eccentric stands next to his custom van, bobbing to
music, and in his van is the Disco Ball Light.
Maverick makes his way toward a cool-looking yellow Monaco.
Inside the Monaco sits in the passenger seat BLUE (Male,
mid-20s, mellow, cool, handsome, etc).

"A cool-looking yellow Monaco" is a good example; How can a Monaco be anything other then cool looking? What make is it? The styling of  a 1973 model is drastically different compared to a 1978 model. Your descripton is too vague overall.

There are grammar problems. Here's a good example: "A silver-framed sunglasses wearing eccentric". This is bad grammar. So the eccentric is silver-framed? I know that's not what you meant, but that's what he is by the description you've written.


Quoted Text
Suddenly Maverick spots Luna (early 20s, pretty, great legs,
rich bitch personality) and is immediately smitten.

Only describe physical appearance when introducing characters, don't describe personality traits; reveal them through character interaction and dialogue.

I'm sure you have a great story to tell but unfortunately it's hard to see right now.

Best of luck with it.

Lono
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