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I had to dig a little deeper to discover that Beano is an actual product to prevent bloating. In my country it's more popularly known as an old children's comic. I don't get why anyone would want to write a fauxmercial unless it's going to be funny. When ad's come on the TV I usually get annoyed. Maybe others will get a kick out of this, but it's over my head.
I think that you don't need the first several lines of dialog - you could start with "have you been there again" - it's punchier to my ear and less talk is often better. Especially for a short ad I guess - but I don't know how to judge an ad, a lot depends on the actors I suppose.
I wouldn't call it funny. It's on the page though, which is a good thing.
Thanks for the feedback. Let me go down the list so I can address all of your comments.
I agree. I don't generally care for commercials myself. My intent for all of my shorts is basically experimentation and to practice what goes into the actual script. By also looking at it from the director and actor POV, it helps me to understand what works better in terms of action and dialogue. This was actually my first ever short that I wrote, shot, and edited. It opened my eyes to other aspects of script writing I had not previously realized.
I find it amusing that just the word Beano has different connotation for different people, depending on country of origin. I worked with British forces overseas and kept an English-to-English dictionary to make sure I remembered key phrases and terms. The US satirist Mark Twain's comment that the UK and US are two cultures separated by a common language is true and brings to mind all kinds of ideas for skits. That doesn't even address the funny situations that differing accents caused in that time.
Thanks for the encouragement. I don't generally care for flatulence humor, but it was simply a way for me to practice cameral angles, sound, lighting, etc. What I learned from the Beano Fauxmercial, I applied to my second short, "Interview with a Ventriloquist" which should appear on Simply Scripts soon. Each of the upcoming shorts I will be making will, hopefully, lead to lessons learned in the next effort. Ultimately, I hope to use that knowledge to improve the full-length scripts I am developing.
Less is better is spot on. I have a little experience in public service announcements both in the States and overseas, but trying to make them appeal across societies that obstensibly speak the same language is difficult. In addition, I have observed that humor many men would find hilarious can be downright irritating to my wife and other women.
Thank you all for taking time to provide constructive criticism. It is appreciated. I also uploaded another short and script, "Interview with a Ventriloquist," that is being reviewed for appropriateness. Hopefully, it will appear shortly.
Thanks for checking it out, Phil. It is about a minute, which is too long for a commercial. Strictly an experiment to learn various aspects of writing, filming, editing, etc. A fauxmercial was just what came to me while on lunch break, so I went with it.