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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  This Tornado Loves You - OWC
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  Author    This Tornado Loves You - OWC  (currently 5719 views)
Don
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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This Tornado Loves You by N.C. - Short, Horror - A young woman, held in captivity, has one chance to ensure her freedom… and one last night to endure her captor. (R ) - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  October 26th, 2014, 10:18am
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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Ok...as I read in an earlier thread, these supernatural, fantasy, horrors don't have to be real clear and this one is a bit that way for me. I guess it's not a problem though with the genre.

I am not sure the portal thing was real visual for me. I DID love when she wrote you're gonna die. Nice job.

I wasn't sure why the bondage? Why did the guy do it? Maybe I'm asking too many questions....anyway good job on the owc.
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Ryan1
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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An interesting sci-fi take on the challenge.  Loved the setup of a deranged man holding a female alien hostage.   Although, I couldn't quite figure out how she got there.  I know Rick was able to bag some strange alien creature on a hunt, but I don't get how the female was separated from her Warrior mate.  If the Warrior is powerful enough to command tornadoes, I don't see why he didn't just rescue his woman before all this.

Still, it kept me turning the pages, which is the most important thing.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 3:32am Report to Moderator
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How is Petra soaking up the rays with clothes on?

“Petra touches her fingers to a ragged scar” A tad awkward – get rid of “her fingers to” and you’re golden. You also don’t need to mention “cut” in that sentence.

Is Rick a Geordie?

“deformed PAPER CLIP.” Poor buggar. I do hope the other paper clips don’t make fun of him

This isn’t bad so far. Think you could have played on the scene with Rick coming back though. It felt all too easy for Petra to get back into position. I would have liked to see more tension added into this scene – make the reader doubt her, that she will be caught at any time.

Why can’t Petra talk? Obviously because of the challenge but have I missed something in the story. I don’t remember anything about her being a mute, duct-taped or just being stubborn. I don’t understand why she’s not talking?

Great reveal with the bed moving.

I now understand why Petra can’t talk… I really should have picked up on this earlier because I questioned the sentence. Damn I’m stupid. Btw, nice idea but I have to wonder why Rick did this?

“Where did you opened it?” open it. Small error, the writing has been good on the whole.

This was a lot better than I thought it was going to be. I think it worked so good work… guessing the warrior is like some Greek God or if you’re an X-Men fan… like Storm as in he can control the weather.

The writing is solid but the best part here was the dynamics between the two characters which worked a treat.  A few things could be improved on like the ending for example. I didn’t like how easy Rick was beaten and I think you could have shown Rick being a little nastier to Petra, especially at the end when he realizes the game is up. This just heightens the feeling that Petra could meet her doom which I didn’t feel at the moment.

But overall, this is a solid piece – it won’t be to everyone’s taste of course but I think you’ve done a fine job – good stuff.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 3:55am Report to Moderator
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Code

He leans down and kisses the flawless skin
of her neck.



You only need write that: He kisses the flawless skin of her neck.

He leaning down first will most likely go without saying or the shot may well just cut straight to it, depends... but you don't need to write all the extra stuff. Keep an eye out for things like that.

Code

Petra HUMS a soft melody as the Warrior caresses her SPIRAL
PENDENT NECKLACE. He leans down and kisses the flawless skin
of her neck.


In fact, you could simply combine the two sentences here: Petra HUMS a soft melody as the Warrior caresses her SPIRAL PENDENT NECKLACE then kisses the flawless skin of her neck.

This was OK. Not really my kind of thing but it might work for some.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 4:39am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Full of great ideas. Evocative.

Love the idea of an inter-dimensional trophy hunter..and Petra is a fitting prize.

Masterful work conveying her sense of loneliness and oppression without words. Well done.

Awkward and fitting weirdness of the homely situation with the kidnapped woman from another world. Seemed strange that this inter-dimensional traveller would be so rudimentary. This feeling increases later when we find he's aware of this incredibly powerful Warrior who he's clearly faced before.

EDIT: He's also incredibly unprepared for any kind of battle, which seems weird considering he has fore-knowledge of the kind of power he might have to face.

"You're going to die". Excellent action beat.

Wow. Great story. Brilliant bit of fantasy.

Only one problem...not even a dash of horror anywhere. It's a Fantasy Thriller.

Most complete story I read this competition, but for me didn't fit the genre.

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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 4:40am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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BTW Should just be called: This Tornado


Far better and more profound.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 5:23am Report to Moderator
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Tornado...

Interesting way of opening a portal. I used a Hurriciane once...not in real life mind you. Let's see...

Like the opening description - I have feel for where this is
Alright Pet - sounds from up north, England.

Liked that.

Nice ending with the twin funnels and interesting connection with the water down the plug hole.

The one sided dialogue held it back, like it has for most scripts, but that can be remedied in due course.

Not sure being told you're going to die by an alien would be ignored and told it was a choo choo, but I liked it all the same.

All the best


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JonnyBoy
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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Ah-ha, the alien take. It's not really horror, but this is a well-crafted, enjoyable script with two excellently drawn characters that builds to a thumping climax.

Like everyone else, I loved the scene with the cards, particularly 'You're going to die'. Very well constructed scene: Petra has a secret, we're wondering if Rick's going to find out, then you surprise us by having her lay it out like that. Great writing.

In fact there's a great deal of skill on show here all over the shop. It only partly complies with the criteria, perhaps, but I'll take good narrative and strong characterisation over slavish adherence to the rules any day. I'd like to see a longer version of this, if you felt the urge to expand it. Great work.


Guess who's back? Back again?
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Stumpzian
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Good premise, hunter and his trophy. Would like a better fix on Rick, but maybe that's just Rick: off kilter. I do think Petra put the bed back in place too quickly for the time she had. I like  the Guess My Picture thing, and the twin tornados. All in all, good one.



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rendevous
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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At first I hated the title. But it grows on me. Particularly after I read the story. I really quite liked this.

I can see most don't think it has enough horror for them. But I disagree. You don't have to have baths of blood and limbs flying off to have an atmosphere of horror.

Well written with an interesting story. Enough said.

R


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Not the best of titles. One of the best of scripts. Not much in horror, although there have been horrors which include captives held against thier will/torture purposes, only with thius case it's an alien captive who once was this smoking hot goddess in a past life. Liked the tornados being part of a portal (kind of reminds me of...Oz?)

Not much to add here. A decent script.


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LC
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 12:48am Report to Moderator
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Not sure how you caress a necklace - perhaps plays with it, loops it around his finger?

I had to read: 'she bares it', twice - tolerates it, now I get it - bit of telling going on - Petra could have pulled a face to show how repugnant she finds Rick instead.

Deformed paper-clip - right, so it's bent?

'Rick charges Petra.' - for a minute I thought there was some money being exchanged.   Sorry, it wasn't clear to me at first.

'clogs' the doorway' - 'blocks' - your word choices are unconventional but not necessarily bad, they just pulled me up at times and I had to re-read within the context.

RICK
I used a different dry rub than
usual. Maybe a little much.


I love that bit of dialogue (above) - terrific.

Where did you
[i]opened
it?

... first you
guess what I draw, then I guess
what you drawed.[/i]

I let these two typos go because I was thinking this is his manner of speaking. Now, I'm not sure.
Is it?

In summing up, you had me in the palm of your hand with this one - a good story - beginning, middle and end. Great conflict, stakes etc. And, I really wanted to know what was going to happen in the end. Actually I still want to know what Rick was going to offer the Warrior in return for Petra - what was the condition going to be?

That's good storytelling.

Very enjoyable.


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khamanna
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 2:25am Report to Moderator
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I like Rick in this. He's a very bad man, but you presented him in a very subtle way. If we don't know he's evil he would sound pretty normal, even compassionate.
For example, he cooks steak for her and cares about her liking his steak.

And I liked very much the tornado in this.

My question is how she was brought into his life. She was with the Warrior, then suddenly Rick has her chained and all.

Then warrior just came and took her - he could have done it earlier. A little bit more and it would be a very good little tale for me. Right now, well written, an easy and captivating read but lacks answers to my questions.
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bert
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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There is a bit too much backstory for me here that goes unexplained, mostly in regards to Rick and his trophies.

He seems a bit too simple to be pulling off some grand interdimensional hunting expedition, or whatever it was that was supposed to be going on in that cabinet of his.

But getting past that -- chalking it up to page limitations -- this was well written, pulling me forward to see where you went with this.

High points were Petra's written responses and the twin funnel clouds, as others have stated.  For me, the title is fitting.  Sounds like a country song.  Odd, yes, but odd is good to me.

Bold slugs narrow down the author choices, but I cannot narrow it further than that.

Nice work.  I enjoyed reading it.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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