Isle Of The Dead by Rodney - Short, Horror - When an internet blogger is persuaded by her boyfriend and crew to investigate an urban legend, about a cursed island off shore, she will be forced to fight for her life as they all unwilling become part of the legend until the curse on the island is broken. (R ) - pdf, format

I like your choice of protagonist, the stuff with the blog and a small uninhabited island is an interesting choice of location. Liked starting with the 1832 scene, straight to the action. Strong start.

But after the read none of the characters really stick with you. I struggled to remember the names after making it to fade out. There's nothing that really stands out in the story and the antagonist is as unoriginal as it gets. Zoe's act of bravery is abrupt and not that developed. The ghosts pop up straight as she gets to the island, some tension would help here.

Zoe talking to herself on P3 is offputting. I think the story would benefit from Zoe taking the camera to the island, get us a chance to see more of her blogging. That's the strength here and could be used to a much larger extent to a larger payoff.

Sorry to say, this one was not for me.

You'll need a SUPER PRESENT DAY before we get to the Yacht on page 1. I had to stop and re-read the first halfof the page. Nope. i didn't miss it. You did.

I notice in several slugs you write "ISLE OF THE DEAD" Considering that there are no other islands nearby, ISLAND and related sub-locations will be suffice. Better to spell out ISLAND anyway. I'm not a fan of shorthand scribes. Looks lazy. I'm not daying you are, I'm just pointing out that's how it looks.

Quoted Text until a Soldier, the one with the bone handled stone knife

Who? I stopped, went back again, found him. Dude from the past. I'm assuming it's the same guy. The problem is that if it is, you should drop the "a" and "the one". Otherwise, it will be confusing to some people. It was to me. The Soldier with the bone handled stone knife <---see?

Script takes awhile to get going, and with bad grammar I had trouble knowing if it was THE soldier or if there was another one. I actually skimmed through one full page of action simply due to that fact. You weren't in a hurry, were you?

This isn't bad, it has potential. And while I think the main character is very multi-tasked let's say (she's alone and modest! she can hang on to a blanket to cover herself but can still use her hands) I had a problem with one aspect of her character. I didn't think about it until that last scene. She's a video blogger. Her journal is about where they are and what they are doing. She fills us in on the local legend and that the area is restricted Since she didn't take any device with her the only point to it is...what exactly?

-DjS

Wasn't bad. Sadly, wasn't particulary good either.

I though she was going to film herself on the island. That would have worked well. But she didn't. I'll leave it there.

R

Code Zoe, asleep, naked under the sheets...

This was going great until 'under the sheets'.

Not really a story for me. Some may like it.

It was hard for me to visualize the isle of the dead.

At first it seems like real people meandering about in the isle. THen it's ghosts. Then I couldn't understand what the soldier and the teenage boy look like. And the soldier is slashing at ghosts - looks like he's not dead.

Then he's after Zoe - I don't know his motivation.

Also, Zoe talks about the isle of the dead as if it's well known thing. The isle is surreal and the part where she talks about it is bit hard to buy.

Not talking boyfriend is a bit of a stretch too for me.

The flashback might work better at the beginning as a way to set things up.

As it is, the story doesn't come together in a satisfying way.

While I thought that Zoey's motivation for being on the island was a good one, this script just didn't do it for me.  Everything was drawn out .  For what little made up this story in four or five pages.

When you introduce your characters, you should start with their names:

Quoted Text A young woman, mid 20�s, her long brown hair plaited over her shoulder, sits on the edge of a double bed, she looks straight down the lens of a handycam This is ZOE, she oozes confidence while recording posts for her online series.

would work better if you gave us her name first:

Quoted Text ZOEY sits on the edge of a double bed and talks to a handycam.   Mid twenties with long brown hair.

The important things should be first.  And this version just shaved four pages off your script.

I thought Zoey's banter to the camera was realistic enough for a blogger, but it was a little too on-the-nose.

Another example of your descriptions needing improvement is on page 4:

Quoted Text She picks up a piece of broken bone and holds it up to see in the light. She immediately drops it.

There's no need to tell us things right off the bat.  Be a little dramatic.

Quoted Text She picks something up from the sand and holds it up to the moonlight It's a human bone! She drops it.

Hope this helps.


Phil

This was ok.

It struggled with only one person having dialogue though. Also, I believe more people would know of this island on Halloween night and maybe would have set out to do the same as Zoe. Maybe some sort of tradition every 5 years?

The dialogue you do have is awkward at times and most of the time it's just Zoe talking crap..

This is a good premise though and with a bit of work it could be a nice story. I enjoyed the ending too.

"Never get out of the boat." Absolutely goddamn right!" - Apocalypse Now

This was okay. I liked the first few pages and then it sort of slowed. I think this would be much more suspenseful if you cut a couple pages off. It ended up getting confusing too.

A couple notes...

"He leans in close to their bodies and runs his nose along them, as if smelling death. He grins, possessed, the smile of a madman."  -- NIIIIICE! Sick. I love it.

Pg. 3. You say she's naked under the sheets then she pulls the sheet over herself?

Zoe says, "far out"?

Nice isolated location. I like that.

Pages 3 ‘Didn’t want to wake you, gone to investigate the Island.’    Seems like a waste of time to bring her along if he’s just gonna sneak off once she’s passed out. Might be better without a note. Once it's established he’s not on the boat, where else would he be?

Twice when the Soldier was chasing Zoe it became apparent only after the fact that he had lost sight of her. If both characters are in the same SLUG location and one is “right behind” the other, I’m going to think they can see each other.

For the flashback on page 6 I think you want a montage of some sort. Everything would happen too fast. Also, “They explore the Island while killing the local CLAN that live there.” makes it sound like a genocidal walk in the park. Wouldn’t the clan fight back? The settlers would have muskets at best. It would be war, but that sentence makes it sound about as hard as clearing some brush.

I don’t really buy Zoe’s decision to kill herself. Not only does it not seem in her personality, but it doesn’t seem too logical. I would think she just wants to make it through the night. Why would she care about ending the curse? Doesn’t seem like that many people have been here since 1832 anyway.

Overall there’s potential here, but I think you’d have to up the stakes of this curse and tie it to Zoe (either emotionally or as backstory). With the inconsistencies smoothed over I’d be able to buy into this a little more.

I get the feeling from the some of the language this one is written by an Aussie - but there aren't that many of us so... hmm. Mind you we don't use the word: 'brush' we use the word 'bush' - least on the east coast we do, so, maybe not.

I like the bit with Zoe under the bridge/boardwalk - some good suspense.

Some added description that's not really needed i.e., 'an I'm going to get you type smile'. The 'smirk' was sufficient.

Big budget needed for the 1832 flashback.

'They explore the Island while killing the local CLAN that live there'
This is too much of a big 'tell' - proving you're trying to cram a large story into ten pages and don't have the page count to actually depict it.

'Witch Doctors' book needs an apostrophe - the only reason I include that is because it's obviously not a typo as you do it more than once.

This does suffer a bit from the 'one character, dialogue rule' too. Zoe's dialogue in her exchange with the teenage ghost is a little awkward to read. Reminds me of an episode of Skippy - only Aussies and Brits will probably get that reference.

'I can’t do this. This isn’t me.' I'd delete 'this isn't me' and it will sound more natural imh.

'wispy branches'- 'wispy' is not at all in keeping with the dire action taking place - 'branches whip at her face' or similar, imh. And, all the 'she' 'she' 'she's' were getting annoying. That could easily be fixed, mind you.

She stabs herself? Well that was a shock.

Ah, but then she comes back to life. She did didn't she? Not a bad story, just a bit too big for ten pages, I think.

Overall, it was an easy read but could do with another draft - this one appears to be put together a bit last minute.

ISLE OF THE DEAD

Hello,

I like the title.

Another tale-like story.

Some visuals were good, some too repetitive.  

There was a part I thought it's a bit too constructed. When the boy and the book make her understand she'll have to give her life to change the situation... Well, for whom?  I tried to accept it for the fantasy aspect but after she asks defensively:

ZOE
This is the only way?

...The Soldier emerges...

It's too constructed. To solve problem A you have to do B and here's A again.

I don't like the ending because it's expected as well.

The atmosphere and the adventure aspect were good. I just didn't go with the plotting. For example: Zoe stumbles over a log. Then, the soldier stumble's over the same log...

I think, for me, it should have been more focused in the 2nd act. It's too long, running around between bones and ghosts until this guy faces her again, only to run around again... The book was a nice plot. I also liked the introduction of Zoe.

I like the title as well, but I don't like what follows...enough to continue.

Writing is awkward throughout.  Slugs are not consistent.  Dialogue is forced and it's obvious we have a 1 character speaking requirement here.

OPening should be powerful, but the way it's written, it's just not.

Is it horrible?  No, of course not, but I decided to stop an Page 5, after skimming 3 and 4.

Writer,

Decent premise, but executed in such a way that made for a tedious read. It was way too wordy, your actions blocks could've been cut way down, and sentences shortened... A lot.

Sorry, but this one just lost me. I did read all the way through, though, but in the end it just wasnt for me.

Steve