iRobot by Anthony Cawood - Short, Sci Fi, Action - The delivery of an unexpected package leads to a battle between man and machine, a fight to the death... over the kitchen table. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Anthony,

Gave this a quick read and enjoyed it for the most part. You have the characterizations down nicely - the old guy, the postman.

You do the man v technology theme well. I especially liked the Fridge 'short'.

This one, I feel, needs ramping up a little - a vacuum cleaner works on suction - I'd play that up. I thought the final 'battle' should have encompassed this more and had your lead character really getting into some strife. It reads a little 'light' to me at the moment. Amusing, but personally I would have taken it into darker territory. Perhaps incorporate the medals he wears into the story - the vac could suck them up and spit them out onto the floor - or maybe they could be lost entirely - perhaps fly up in the air and out the window. Roy could slip on the floor going after them and really engage in battle with the vac - and then have Wendy walk in...

Just a note on the current draft - coupla typos: 'seperates' 'separates' to name one, and the writing could do with a bit of an edit imh - pare some of the descriptions back a little.. You've got some weird spacing going on with a couple of pages too - big gaps of white space.

Finally the title: perhaps iVac instead, seeing as iRobot is so well known.

Enjoyable read. Would just like to see you incorporate a bit more into the battle.

P.S. Shouldn't this be in 'Shorts' - might get more attention there. ??

Hi Anthony,

Nice tale. Entertaining and good description.

These are my thoughts, just my opinion of course.

I did feel that there was an overuse of sound effects e.g "CLICK" I completely understand there is not much more you can do with this to tell us what the irobot is doing but For example:

"Slo-mo pinball sounds drift up, THUNK, THUNK, WHIR, CLICK, THUNK, as the cleaner tries and fails to negotiate the tangle of table and chair legs."

In my opinion the pinball sounds clarify what is going on under table without the "THUNK" etc.

Perhaps if Wendy was to come in on all the action and start attacking her as well? Kind of a present that has back fired. This will justifying why her father hasn't moved with the times. (Not suggesting everyone should have an irobot to in with the times, you know what I mean)

A bit of dialogue from Roy at the end didn't sound right to me "That'll learn ya" I'm not sure if thats a northern thing, but maybe "that'll teach ya"?

The title is what intrigued me to this "irobot"  I can't help but point out but this has been used before, besides you not using the comma of course.

Either way I found this script enjoyable to read.

All the best

Lee
    

I don't think Asimov has been dead long enough to use iRobot without somebody saying something about it. I could be wrong... but there was a recent feature film with Will Smith too. It's been a pretty famous title in the world of Sci-Fi since the 1970s.

Hi LC/Lee,

Thanks both for the reads and coments, much appreciated as awlays and glad you both liked it.

LC - Formatting, typo's etc... apols, finished this on my iPad (so cut donw version od CeltX used) whilst on hols, so there's still a bit of tidying to do.
Re the battle and upping it a little, yep agree, was trying to keep it believable and also leave it open that there is no sentience involved - just an old man who doesn't like technology... but the idea with the medals is great, will look to incorporate that.

Both - iRobot as a title, yep there is at least one already, fairly famous too I used it for this because the lead company who make these vacuums is iRobot (www.irobot.com) and given one of their devices had inspired the idea... well seemed a little homage was in order. Of course, and as Lee mentions, it's also a little intriguing due it's familiarity.

Lee - Point taken re pinball sounds, will reduce in script... had wanted to use the sounds as the iRobot's dialogue and that sequence sort of cheats on that a little, so will tidy up.
Re Wendy, see where you are coming from but wanted to leave it as a lingering doubt that the iRobot is just making random sweeps and it's attack is in Roy's head... until the Terminator insired close of course.
'That'll learn ya'... yes, just a slang term... think it's origins are Norfolk but it's used in US too (so I'm led to believe), not grammatically correct of course but a little more colourful.

Again many thanks for taking the time to comment.

Anthony

Hi Dustin... iRobot... as mentioned above it's the name of the company who make the vacuum's... and I think I'm right that you cannot copyright a title (at least that's what the Google searches suggest)...

However, I'm not wedded to it... but then again, seems to be a talking point, maybe that's a good thing and will get some additional reads/script requests

Anthony

Further to what you just said, above, you're right. Character dialogue doesn't have to be grammatically correct. 'That'll learn ya' - I like, (and am familiar with) and, I think it suits Roy.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Hi Dustin... iRobot... as mentioned above it's the name of the company who make the vacuum's... and I think I'm right that you cannot copyright a title (at least that's what the Google searches suggest)...

Yeah, you're right. It was I, Robot. That is pretty clever.

I quite like the title that LC suggested "IVac"

Hi Anthony,

Another well-written short by you. Mobile robot vs old dude with movement constraints is a pretty cool idea.

Libby gave you some great suggestions. Here are a couple additional thoughts:

- Initially, Roy ignores and diminishes the vac, but perhaps not to the degree that would warrant vengeful fury. What if he threw the package on the floor, for instance, causing minor damages to it? Or maybe he could hit it with his stick, unsatisfied with its performance.

- The ending is predictable - too common in thriller/horror stories to serve as a twist. Also, even if the vac is "alive", how could it threat Roy now that Wendy is there with him? Unless you are implying that Wendy, who is in a hurry, won't take the broken machine with her immediately. In that case, you should make it a little clearer.

Solid and enjoyable script, though. It would make an entertaining film.

Manolis

Hi Manolis and thanks for the read, glad you liked the script/concept.

Like the idea re throwing the package on the floor, will look to incorporate that.

The end, agree but that's also the point, a comedic take on a genre staple... in my mind's eye a crippled robot vacuum coming back to life is absurdly funny - well hopefully

Thanks

Anthony

Hey Anthony

This was a nice little read and I really liked Roy and his nemsis; the iRobot.

It was a funny little tale of old not embracing the new, but I did feel it was going to go somewhere it eventually didn't.

I was half expecting so little pay off at the end but instead it was a simple conclusion.  I'm not saying this is bad and maybe it's just me that was expecting something else?

Anyway, I enjoyed this and that's all that matters I guess.

Hi Alffy and thanks for the read, really appreciated and glad you liked the scipt.

Intriqued to know where yo thought the script was going?

Thanks

Anthony

I'm not sure where I thought it was going to go but it just left me thinking there should be more.

Still funny though.

Ah, shame though - thought you had an alternative ending for me to weave in Alffy

Still, good that you think it's funny.

Thanks

Anthony