Exit Nothing by Patrick King - Short, Drama - A twenty-something writer on the verge of leaving his wife for a woman he's only met online spends the day with his mentor, known only as the Mad Poet, before making his final, life-altering decision. 18 pages - pdf, format

Hey Patrick,

Interesting title and logline. The only thing that seem off is including the guys rough age of twenty-something,

I see this is based on a novel you wrote. That's impressive - well done!

To format a black screen in a script simply type BLACK SCREEN.

Try to avoid 'we hear' - just tell us what we are hearing. Same with 'we see'.  

I'm lost already. Having the couple stood in front of their apartment door and then a flashback to the previous night does nothing to move the story forward. If you want the audience to follow you and anticipate something, then something needs to happen to the couple before you do the flashback. Otherwise it's just confusing.

So the guy's name is Nothing? Strange. Ah, I see he's explained it. Still seems like a joke though.

Action is usually 3-4 lines as a rule for pacing. If you are writing big blocks of action you need to either split them up or trim them down. As it is your action blocks are huge.

The message on the computer screen, I'm no prude but that line out of context may just stop people reading right there.  

Keep the action in the present tense. A novel is past tense (usually), a screenplay present. E.G. he sends the email instead of sending the email.

Page 2 and I'm really struggling to keep going. How do we know Kaye never wears any make-up? When the audience see this on the screen she may not be wearing any make-up but how will they know she never does? Write what the audience can see now.

Avoid beats in action. If the action is written properly it should be obvious were the natural pauses should be, the actor can work that out.

The dialogue between Kaye and Nothing is pretty decent, natural.

I got to page 9 and then bailed, sorry but nothing of any interest was happening and the story wasn't moving on at all. 9 pages is 9 minutes of screen time (if formatted correctly) which can feel like an age if the viewer is not engaged with the story.  

Some interesting banter with characters and I'm sure this is great in the novel but as a short movie it needs to flow better. The reader must want to turn the page to find out what happens next and I got fed up of waiting for something to happen.

I'd suggest reading some published scripts to get an idea of structure and flow. Also,  I'm no expert, but I've read a few articles which suggest adapting your own novel into a screenplay is quite hard and the recommendation is to get someone else to do it.

Best of luck,

Mark

Hi Patrick

Had a quick read of this last night, here's a few thoughts - just my opinion of course.

1) I don't think the flashback is needed, doesn't add (though I suspect it may in the full script).
2) As Mark said, we see, we hear aren't considered 'good' in screenplays and can be taken out.
3) There's some decent banter between the characters but I think there's too much and it could be pared down.
4) I didn't get any real sense of why Nothing wants to leave, again this may be more obvious in the full version.
5) And given how he treats Kaye and what a deadbeat he is... I didn't get any real sense of why she'd care if he left.
6) Mad Poet - again may be explained in fuller version, but he seemed like a rubbish mentor, is his only redeeming feature endless beer?
7) There's come good interplay with Razzie, but again... Nothing is clearly rubbish at working and appears to steal (or allow stealing)... so why would anyone keep him on the payroll?
I think some of the action is over described, but I guess that's an easy trap to fall into when you are adapting from prose - I've definitely done the same.

As it stands there's some interesting dynamics created through dialogue but I'm not sure I'd follow Nothing through a longer script without a better reason as to why he's interesting as a protagonist.

Anthony

Thanks to both of you for reading this. I very much appreciate your responses.

In books and movies, I've always found characters who seem to have very little redeeming qualities extremely interesting, so sometimes I write fiction about such characters. I only say that because it might help put some of my choices into context (IE the nastiness of Nothing, the shittiness of the Mad Poet's mentorship).

Again, it means a lot to me that ya'll have taken the time to read and critique this humble effort of mine!