Remember by Noah Pfister - Short, Drama - Jack is a boy who experienced something horrible. The murder of his younger sister. Now he must find a way to cope with her death. 18 pages - pdf, format

Nice touches leaving the reader/viewer wondering if Emily came back to help her big brother move on or if he is unconsciously making it up in his head as part of self-healing. I lean toward the former. The story was a quick read with uncomplicated, concise action to explain what was occurring. The dialogue was good and seemed natural leading me to believe that a real relationship with a sibling was the inspiration. Only a few typos.

All-in-all, an enjoyable read and one that a low-budget crew could easily film. If you do get it filmed, please post the link on this site.

Ian

Hey Noah,

If you want a character to talk over a Black Screen just put

BLACK SCREEN

Then the VO, you don't need anything else.

Is Jack lying on the bed or laying coz if he's laying that's gonna look weird.

Jack stairs into the room, that's pretty impressive - he must have god like powers!

If the movie theatre scene is a flashback or a dream you need to format it as such. Scene transitions are not really needed.

Your action could do with some work. You write a generic description of what the actors should be feeling instead of writing what the audience can see. E.G. You state Jack doesn't look happy and later you say Jack and Emily seem to be pretty happy. Why do they seem to be pretty happy? What are they doing to convey that? Are the smiling, laughing, playfully punching each other in the arm? It's better to get across what mood the characters are in by action, not by description.

Ah, Finding Memo - I loved that animated tale of office tomfoolery.

When you introduce a character, do so in CAPS. Even if it's just a FIGURE. And where did this figure come from? Where is it standing? You've scripted it as if it's literally teleported in.

I got to page 2. The dialogue seemed pretty good, very natural but there's loads of typos, some of which I've playfully pointed out above. Everyone makes typos but they should be the exception, not the norm. A screenplay that's not been thoroughly proofread is very off-putting. It did indeed put me off reading any more but I hope my notes help you develop this further.


Mark

Hi Noah,

This was an easy read, despite some formatting issues. Just do a google search on how to format flashbacks and dreams. Also, you should always state how old your characters are.  Are Jack and Emily in their late teens or, like, in their 20s? Is Emily younger or older than Jack? What is their age difference? I only assumed that Jack is around 20 because he drives, but now I realize that you haven't actually told us who was the one in the driver's seat.

Another thing that is not clear is the motive for the assault. Was it robbery? In that case, I'd expect the robber to threaten the siblings with his gun first, not to attack them like he did. What if Jack and Emily tried to help another person that was being robbed and the guy started shooting at them? Just a thought.

Your writing is smooth and you have some good ideas. The thing is, this concept has been done many times before and I don't feel you bring something new. Good effort though.

Manolis