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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Criminally Candid Moderators: bert
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  Author    Criminally Candid  (currently 1065 views)
Don
Posted: November 20th, 2014, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Criminally Candid by Frederick Cheaves - Short, Drama - The friendship of two best friends are tested when one does something incredibly stupid. 37 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 4th, 2015, 12:41pm
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: November 21st, 2014, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Frederick gave the first few pages of this a read, a few thoughts...

Some of your action blocks are a little odd, a bit passive and too staccato almost, e.g.

Garbage cans. Discarded debris. And two sewer RATS that
scurry between the shadows cast by the FULL MOON hanging in
the clear night sky, nibbling on whatever they could.

Could be better as

Two sewer rats scurry between the garbage cans and the discarded debris, nibbling on rotting food as they find it.

Sort of thing...

It's okay to occasionally captitalise things that you want to emphasise but best to use relatively sparingly. Also there's no need for it to be 'Rats' in the middle of a sentence, should be 'rats'.

I think you are trying to hard for word variety, which is admirable, but it doesn't scan well with rat and rodent, cat and feline swapping around all the time. Also once you've named Jay
it looks odd then referring to him as the Patron.

I got a bit confused too... Jay and Colin are white nd Jay at least is rich (or his parents are)? Their dialogue therefore seemed a bit off, stereotyping sort or inner city gang member type  words... this may be on purpose but could/should be explained, e.g. wanna be drug dealers, Jay is putting it on as an affectation and Colin calls him out for trying to be gangsta.

Of course I'm from the UK so this might be me that's just not got an ear for LA dialogue.

I read further but I kept getting distracted by the above issues, spelling errors etc.

I think this needs another read through and a polish.

Anthony

You can read & comment on my latest...
Bump in the Night - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1416179287/
Graft - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1416751412/


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1

Revision History (1 edits)
AnthonyCawood  -  December 7th, 2014, 2:44pm
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