SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 20th, 2019, 4:33pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Criminally Candid Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Criminally Candid  (currently 1103 views)
Posted: November 20th, 2014, 6:00pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Criminally Candid by Frederick Cheaves - Short, Drama - The friendship of two best friends are tested when one does something incredibly stupid. 37 pages - pdf, format

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 4th, 2015, 12:41pm
revised draft
Site Private Message
Posted: November 21st, 2014, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
Hey Frederick gave the first few pages of this a read, a few thoughts...

Some of your action blocks are a little odd, a bit passive and too staccato almost, e.g.

Garbage cans. Discarded debris. And two sewer RATS that
scurry between the shadows cast by the FULL MOON hanging in
the clear night sky, nibbling on whatever they could.

Could be better as

Two sewer rats scurry between the garbage cans and the discarded debris, nibbling on rotting food as they find it.

Sort of thing...

It's okay to occasionally captitalise things that you want to emphasise but best to use relatively sparingly. Also there's no need for it to be 'Rats' in the middle of a sentence, should be 'rats'.

I think you are trying to hard for word variety, which is admirable, but it doesn't scan well with rat and rodent, cat and feline swapping around all the time. Also once you've named Jay
it looks odd then referring to him as the Patron.

I got a bit confused too... Jay and Colin are white nd Jay at least is rich (or his parents are)? Their dialogue therefore seemed a bit off, stereotyping sort or inner city gang member type  words... this may be on purpose but could/should be explained, e.g. wanna be drug dealers, Jay is putting it on as an affectation and Colin calls him out for trying to be gangsta.

Of course I'm from the UK so this might be me that's just not got an ear for LA dialogue.

I read further but I kept getting distracted by the above issues, spelling errors etc.

I think this needs another read through and a polish.


You can read & comment on my latest...
Bump in the Night -
Graft -

Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays -
Available Feature screenplays -
Screenwriting articles -
IMDB Link -

Revision History (1 edits)
AnthonyCawood  -  December 7th, 2014, 2:44pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006