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Graft by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama, Dark Drama - A grieving Doctor cannot understand why the skin grafts keep disappearing, she suspects a thief but the answer is much more macabre. 14 pages - pdf, format
I thought the writing here was very good. Oddly enough, I found myself to have plenty of issues with the sluglines.
P3: INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY is used straight after the same slug line.
P9: INT. DOCTORS OFFICE is used for the second time for a different office.
P11: The hospital corridor slug is used again for a different location. I think the slug lines here should be CONTINUOUS as well.
P12: Sluglines hop back and forth between night and day. I'm also wondering how it turned from day to night so quickly in the first place.
I also found myself confused where the action was taking place at page 6. Was it at Amy's desk or not? The hospital corridor slugline was used again on page 11 confusing me further. I think hospital corridor is simply a bad choice of a slugline for Amy's desk.
On to the story:
I enjoyed the friendship between Katie and the receptionist. Interesting "women unite" at the workplace moment at page 3, also with Steph, who is a PA from what I gathered.
P5: I can't help but feel that there's a great opportunity for a snappy comeback from the masked doctor.
P11: Unnecessary thinking out loud moment imo. Even a bad actor could convey this just fine with no words.
You have a knack of coming up with interesting concepts. I thoroughly enjoyed the skeleton reveal. I'm not sure if I liked the moving skin aspect though. It got too fictional for me. Perhaps the skeleton could go walkabout itself? Through doors, diverting cameras when it needs to take some skin, then moving the camera back.
Looks like Katie's going to help the skeleton out with gathering its skin now, if I understood things right. That in mind, maybe there should be a bit more conflict from Mr. Stewart's side. If Katie wanted to stay and work and Mr. Stewart would advocate gardening leave if there was something suspicious going on around her the tension could be higher.
I wasn't too smitten with the reason of Katie's former gardening leave. Men trouble sounds so typical, once again I'd think there would be more room for some tension/conflict if the reason was her mucking something up work-wise.
I'm also wondering if the "Are you sure you're ready to be back" line should also be present earlier for some extra doubt on whether Katie's right in the head or not from the start. Perhaps coming from Amy on pages 2-3.
Overall, I enjoyed this. Good luck with future drafts - hope my notes helped.
Ah, I missed the urn part when reading. Must have gone over it too quickly or maybe I was just too tired or daft right now. Missing that Michael was dead was probably down to me as well, however I wonder if an extra word in dialogue that Michael is indeed dead wouldn't go a miss? I'm thinking it could still use a bit more clarity to be able to link whose urn it is later on. See what others think about this.
And yeah, the moving skin angle definitely makes the script more unique. There's still something with me that thinks something's off with it, can't quite put my finger on it, but that's irrelevant anyway. Gl again.
Thanks again DS... think the Urn and Michael may be currently too understated, was trying to tread the line between subtle and telegrapher... will have another look.
Anthony, I love the Cronenberg - esque body horror idea here. Nicely creepy.
The opening setup progresses nicely to suck me into the atmosphere - topnotch.
A few notes as I read:
Appears to be too big a space after your FADE IN: And at: p. 3 before INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR ??
You also don't need (CONT'D) after dialogue - only if it goes over the page - you can turn the auto cont'd's off in your software. Specifically there's no need for it with Amy on the phone to Steph - there's actually no break needed imh, except for ellipses, really - as there's no description line in between.
You could shorten that whole scene imh - I get you want to establish the doctor on his 'golfing rounds' etc. but it could be done far more economically.
The 'living skin' and the operation - nicely creepy as the skin moves over the wound - I like it.
'sealing the ASF in' - the 'in' is a superfluous word.
'The ASF offcuts have disappeared/vanished' might be more effective.
'Leans in a slo-mos the footage.' That line's worded awkwardly (above) - did you mean to write 'and slo-mos...'.
Alterntively: 'slo mo' then zooms in on the detail/footage.
'advances' plural - p.7
DOCTORS OFFICE needs an apostrophe. On that point though then we meet MR STEWART - isn't this Doctor Stewart the one alluded to on his golfing rounds earlier? And then they address each other by their first names - could be a little more succinct here. I'd have her address him by his formal name given he is her superior.
'And this isn’t you.' I'd do away with the 'And' and I think it'll read better as a definitive statement from him.
While I'm on the above point though I think it's at this point there needs to be a bit more of a transition preceding this scene with Mr Stewart - 'this isn't you'.
The drama should be heightened not diffused - there could perhaps be more people questioning her behaviour - Amy who seems so sweet, for example - or Alan - he of the 'soup/sandwich'? - also so nice. Perhaps have them turn up in the meeting with Mr Stewart unexpectedly - questioning her sanity. Up the conflict - at the moment nobody is really stopping her or questioning her - everybody is a bit too accommodating. Along those lines I'd delete the waffle about taking 'time off' and finding 'cover' for her etc.
Btw, he calls her 'Kate' not Katie, further on - is this to indicate his tone is not as friendly as it prev. was?
Moving along: Given you have her walking to the 'store' perhaps call that slug: MEDICAL SUPPLY STORE? Those Corridor/Storeroom slugs are a little awkward - not sure where we were.
As above: storeroom 141 p.11 - That opening slug - CORRIDOR and then the storeroom is a bit messy - also I think it needs to be capped (storeroom).
'and rest her back...' need plural with the 'rest' - 'rests'. p.12 top.
'filmed by sweat' personally I'd say 'filmed with sweat'.
Don't really see the need for the whole 'Steph' is he in thing? You could streamline this. (as above)
'She takes a deep breath, another' - would work better punctuation wise, as: 'She takes a deep breath; another' OR: 'She takes a deep breath, and another.
Why the brackets around your ages? You don't really need them - waste of space imh - 20s does the trick.
TYPO: no ones around... - insert apostrophe p.3 no one's
FADE OUT; Not seen a semi-colon before THE END before, don't think that's quite right.
Finally her order for more skin at the end is slightly anticlimactic.
I like this a lot - it's a terrific idea - the entire story (with Michael) was not lost on me - I got the Urn and her dusting his remains etc. but I think you could amp it up a bit. Perhaps end on her going back to check the skeleton's progress after she adds 'ingredients' to it and FADE OUT on her reaction - might be more creepy than the current requisition for more skin.
And, I'd set more scenes at night - Katie doing things secretly, as well as for mood.
Tighten to create even more of the creep factor and heighten suspense, is my advice.
I think it will help if you make the skeleton alive and confront the doctor. Maybe the skeleton is a male and can complete the doctors loss.
I don't recall the urn scene. Maybe I missed it. Going to read this again later on.
Hope this helps, Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
I think it will help if you make the skeleton alive and confront the doctor. Maybe the skeleton is a male and can complete the doctors loss.
I don't recall the urn scene. Maybe I missed it. Going to read this again later on. Hope this helps, Gabe
SPOILERS:
Gabe,
My interpretation (with Michael's ashes) is that Katie is reanimating Michael i.e., bringing him back from the dead - least the skin enables him to obtain human form again, and the ashes are his soul. Of course I could be wrong...
That's what I got from it anyway, and I think visually (on film) it would be clear.
Hey LC and Gabe many thanks for the reads and the notes really appreciated.
LC - glad you like the Cronenberg feel to it, love Cronenberg!
Thanks for the specific notes, will review each of them as part of the re-write, think I agree with most of them - thanks.
Typo's and grammar - really appreciated, get snow blind after a while and would never have spotted half of these.
Brackets round ages, some writers do, some do it the way you suggest, personally I think both work.
Ending, will have a look, but had intended the leaving of the form to act as a second end, potentially post credits... will review though.
Glad you liked the script though, think it's hitting the right notes.
Gabe - glad you liked the script and found it creepy.
The sequence re the urn is on page 12 She places the funerary urn on the floor in front of her,carefully unscrews the top. She inhales a deep breath, takes a handful of the grey powder and carefully layers it onto the skeleton.
This is where the script flips somewhat, from her trying to understand and explain the missing (and apparently animate) ASFs to her using them as a tool to help in her grief. LC's interpretation is spot on and hopefully it would be clear on film... assumng someone picks it up
I guess you had to do some research before writing this one - unless you were somehow familiar with skin grafting.
Anyway, the concept is clever and the ending definitely not predictable. I do think you could make things a little clearer though. Was the skeleton related to / affected by Michael in the first place, or was it just a random "teaching aid" which happened to acquire paranormal powers (and a desire to live)? In the second case, it would be obvious that what Katie does with the urn is only based on a bold assumption. Why should we think that the "trick" would actually bring Michael back to life? However, if Michael was involved in this right from the beginning, if he was trying to get Katie's attention and guide her, and if Katie eventually realized that the skeleton "was" Michael, then her decisions and actions at the end would make sense, imo.
Really good work though. I'm sure it will catch the eye of some director or producer.
Hi Manolis and thanks for the read, really appreciated,
To be honest, research was limited... figured that if artifical skin for grafts doesn't exist right now, then it cant be long
The skeleton is really just a frame for the animated skin to wrap itself around, and as such the skeleton has no real role in the story in terms of animating or anything...
She's grieving and desperate, so her actions aren't driven by anything sane or rational, just her desire to try. I accept this isn't necessarily logical but I'm hoping that a strong set of visuals will over come this.
“The skin is moist and wafts gently to and fro in the breeze created by a hidden fan.
She pushes towards the back row of skin flaps, a few squares gently wrap themselves round her probing hand.”
- I loved these descriptions of the synthetic skin flaps blowing in the fanned air, instinctually wrapping themselves around Katie’s fingers as she reaches into the fridge. An effectively, unnerving touch (puns intended ).
“On her clipboard she crosses out the 13 and scrawls 12 next to it in red ballpoint.”
- So did she take one out unseen to us and is changing the quantity to cover her own tracks? Or does the amount not match up to the computer readout suggesting one has been stolen?
“The fridge door closes automatically behind her with a soft exhalation of air.”
- Didn’t she already close the fridge door, not waiting for it to shut automatically? I know she stares back in at the skin after composing herself but I figured the fridge had a glass door. A minor detail I know, but it could be made clearer.
KATIE Some of the skin seems to be missing.
- Ok, so we can rule Katie out as the synthetic skin stealer!
AMY Hello, Steph?
AMY (CONT) Yeah, it’s me... he in?
- I’m presuming there was once a line of prose here to break this dialogue up? You can condense it now it’s gone
“It ripples slightly, then stops, snug now.”
- Although the synthetic skin is weirding me out too, I did like the visual of it rippling into place before being sufficiently “snug”
A surprised reactionary shot of Katie might be worth including on the bottom of page 5 when she realizes the discarded bits are nowhere to be seen. The scene ends a little too abruptly considering the disturbing revelation. Not sure I totally buy the scene between Katie and Dr. Stewart? I was wondering why she would go to her superior so quickly suggesting something this ludicrous (although it’s never stated I presume she thinks the skin exited the fridge of its own accord) based on fairly flimsy evidence. I mean, if the doctor isn’t convinced by the video footage it must be inconclusive. However, to your credit you do hint that she has had some recent trauma which may be affecting her better judgment.
Having said that, the doctor should show more concern than he does in merely offering her an extended paid leave period. If he doesn’t believe her he must think she’s a bit crazy, confused, whatever. Would he just let her off like that without following it up? Wouldn’t he at least insist she talk to someone?
“camera’s”
- Drop the possessive apostrophe.
Isn’t it a shocking state of affairs when one’s smartphone has a better camera than those in a hospital’s medical supply office?
“Bosses”
- This is where you need that possessive coma.
“Amy sits at her desk and place the phone down”
- “Amy” should be “Fiona” and “place” should be “places”
Is it possible to record a Facetime call? I’ve never done it.
Interesting development with her outlandish suspicions being confirmed as we see skin make its escape from the fridge and disappear through the mysterious tear in the wall. I’m intrigued to see where you’ll take it, reading on… “a remnant teaching aid.”
- Are you missing “of a” after “remnant” here? Doesn’t make much sense otherwise.
“A single layer of boxes in front of it obscures the lower half.”
- This is getting me thinking where the errant skin has relocated...
“The flesh looks natural, the feet alive.
The toes on the left foot wriggle slightly, then those on the right.”
- I think most will predict this before we see it on screen. In other words, the moment we see the skeleton. Maybe reveal the skeleton right before showing the skin attached to its legs. It’s a cool visual so it would be a shame to undermine it by signposting it too soon.
“Rest”
- Add an “s”
“She places the funerary urn on the floor in front of her, carefully unscrews the top.”
- This urn sort of comes from nowhere. Yes, you indicate that she has lost someone close to her but I think you could set it up early on. Even if it’s just a short scene of Katie home alone after her conversation with Dr. Stewart. Show it on the mantelpiece or whatever. This will also be an opportunity to convey how bereft her life is since Michael’s passing.
The ending unfortunately felt too sudden and rushed for me. I see what you are implying by the order form for the skin but to leave things hanging in the air like that is unsatisfactory. I mean, are we to assume that all she needs is to apply the ashes of her dead partner, add some more of these synthetic skin grafts (all to a fake skeleton by the way) and viola! She’ll have her man back? And all without the hospital knowing? That’s what the implication is but there is not enough here to make us believe it will actually come to pass.
I understand this is in the realm of sci-fi and disbelief is to be suspended but we still need a bit more to go on, even within the rules of the world you’ve created, that Fiona will be successful in her Frankenstein-esque mission. As it’s written, it feels like she’s hasn’t even got half the job done and you’re leaving the rest to our imagination. Besides the disappointment of not getting to see whether the skeleton will be animated or not, in scenarios like this, usually the narrative will take us all the way up to the finished article, until fading out…That way we’re left with the off screen inevitability that the abomination will be realized.
Here we leave Fiona much too early in her task thus it feels incomplete. Of course you may have a sequel in the works or perhaps you are suggesting that Fiona has totally lost touch with reality. Her ordering the extra skin flaps unequivocally suggests that she actually believes she can resurrect Michael when in fact, it’s the fanciful notion of a crazed person, struggling through the grieving process.
And on the subject of Fiona, considering she is going to these extraordinary length to get Michael back we should probably see more of her struggling with his loss; visiting his grave, being alone in the apartment, crying jags, mourning over photographs, etc.
This is really a story about coping with loss by way of “Re-animator” type schlock but all the focus is on the latter with no time given to the former which is the central motivation for her actions.
And while I like the weirdness of the skin getting up and searching out a host, it provides the mystery for the majority of the script, Fiona essentially capitalizes on this revelation for her own advantage rather than creating the situation herself. What if through her dealing with the synthetic flesh and seeing it rippling and fitting into place on people’s skin (as you’ve written it) she goes about finding the host herself and comes across the skeleton…rather than the skin leading her to it. I know I’m suggesting a different direction and like I say, I did enjoy the creepy fridge-breaking skin! It just seems like Fiona merely decides on the lets-recreated-my-dead-partner-with-this-skeleton idea on the spot.
Either way (if you didn’t already get the impression from my ramblings above) I feel this ended too soon, like you didn’t know where to take it so you just faded out. Some interesting ideas and visuals in here nonetheless.
Oh and who was the person that Amy couldn’t get on the phone who Fiona assumed was playing golf, Dr. Stewart? If so, what was the point of that scene?
Hi Col and thanks for the notes, awesome as always...
I think I've fixed a lot of the grammar etc from previous comments, and hopefully the Urn and such are clearer in more recent drafts too. I'll go back through though and double check everything.
The ending as it stands is meant to be ambiguous, can be read either of the ways you suggest. Well that's what I was going for... but accept that it might not work as well as it does in my minds eye - will have another look.
I'd initially thought that not focussing on her grief/loss, would make it ore of a subtle thing... I think you may be right though and a setup scene that better establishes her grief may be sensible.
Person on phone with Amy, yes Dr Stewart, scene is there to setup his dismissiveness later, will try and make clearer.
This work has much to recommend it. The idea is sound. However, take a look at the motivations.
I'll skip the problems others have identified. Let's address what your protagonist does.
She's doing an inventory and finds something missing. Ok. What would be your first question? Someone stealing or someone not recording the use of an item? The progression goes from non-recording to mistake to theft, no? Let her follow the progression. Also, if you're going to use cameras later, put them in the previous scene. In fact, you might consider no cameras at all. She sets up the phones to catch a thief because a sentient flap of akin is off the wall.
In the operating room, the dialogue is unconvincing. He waves her in because he's ready. He doesn't explain what he's done. Where did the off its go? And it's not as if no one would notice.
Setting up the phones is wonderful work. The grainy security stuff is a distraction.
Following the skin is good. The skeleton works. However, I wish she would be proactive. Could she find the skin giving life to a mouse skeleton? And gets the idea for the human skeleton? The death of her husband needs more setup, but given that, she comes up with reanimation of her husband. She needs the skin.
Last thought, I have the feeling that the author creates the action for the characters. Might it be better if the character were placed in a situation and allowed to act on their own? The question becomes what would this character do in this situation, not what the author wants or needs the character to do.
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Missing that Michael was dead was probably down to me as well, however I wonder if an extra word in dialogue that Michael is indeed dead wouldn't go a miss? I'm thinking it could still use a bit more clarity to be able to link whose urn it is later on. See what others think about this.
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