The Human Thing by Richard Russell - Short - Twenty years after the turn, a farmer and his son chase down poachers in a failing world. 6 pages - pdf, format

Hey Richard,

This was definitely worthy a read. I liked it, nice twist when it's revealed what the herd really is, and the last line is quite amusing.

Not much to say really. Nicely written, definitely lean and to the point. Consider numbering your pages though. Just out of curiosity, what software was this written in?

You're missing a "we" on page 2 (We'll clean 'em when we get back.)

Cheers
Rob

Richard, I really liked this, in a dark depressing way lol.

I had no idea where this was going, in during the last scene.  It's well written and entertaining, despite it being mostly just Pa and Colt jabbering.

My only real complaint is that some of the dialogue text seems squashed; the words are too close together, as if formatted wrong?

anyway, a nice script.

Spoiler

So  people are eaten instead of animals? I'm kinda confused.

Tony.

Grim little tale, echoes of The Road and Walking Dead -- presumably something has disrupted the food chain leaving only humans unaffected -- Colt and Pa now ‘farm’ humans for meat?  Nasty.  Perhaps more questions than answers come the ending but you did a good job to convey a basic sense of your world with little space and the sparse dialogue.

Though the ending does serve the premise one thing did occur; if they’re slaughtering humans for meat then why leave the woman?  Given they’re taking the men to breed there seems no reason to leave her behind.  She’s not mentioned as being ‘tainted’ as it were, only too old.  A niggle perhaps, but it seems to play against the logic somewhat.

Other than that, engaging and deftly written.

Steve.

Thanks for the comments. Written in final draft and converted. The point about the woman is well taken. A line about her not being worth the feed would solve that. Feedback is useful.

Hi Richard. I thoroughly enjoyed this and apart from the few minor formatting issues mentioned above, I can't fault it. Excellent job. Best of luck with it.

Richard,

I really enjoyed this concept - much like the others have said, your formatting seems a bit strange but I'm sure you're well aware of that. I actually think your dialogue is excellent. There's something about that terse, short kind of conversation that can really sell something if you do it well and you have.

In saying that, my one complaint (apart from the logic of not chowing down on the woman), is the little snippet of exposition between Pa and Colt regarding the 'turn' and Uncle Rob. It feels a bit on the nose and clunky. Even if the vital information was just spaced out a bit more over a few more lines, it'd feel a bit more natural.

All just an opinion, though. Fantastic little short otherwise. Loved the final little flourish!

Hey Richard, sorry I'm late on this,

PA
That's two in the last two weeks.

Reads just a little weird. Maybe it could just be 'week' or 'last couple of weeks'.

Pa looks out the window and sighs before he pushes back.

What does 'pushes back' mean here?

Suddenly, Colt stops and raises his rifle to his shoulder.

You can leave out 'to his shoulder' it's implied when he raises a rifle.

PA
You're right. The human thing. Take
'em out.

Confused me on the first read. Sounds like a command to Colt. Maybe, 'The human thing would be to take 'em out.'

Those were the little things I found. Overall, I liked this. It was a quick read and with lean action, maybe too slim for my tastes. I would of liked it to be more graphic in detail, but that's just me.  I liked the dialogue, it flowed well, maybe a little too much on the southern accent.

Thanks for the short, Richard, I enjoyed it.

Richard

“Even the clothes are worn.”

- Nitpicky I know but I wondered why it’s a surprise the clothes are worn? I say this because you write  “Even…” . I mean, on the basis of the surroundings and type of characters doesn’t it make absolute sense that their clothes would be as aged too? Anyway, no big deal, it just stuck out for me.

COLT
Lost another head last night.

- Head of what exactly?

PA
Time won't make it better.

- Good line.

“Colt's face says he remembers exactly how his uncle died.”

- Still, wouldn’t they have had this conversation before now, in that deer are off limits? Surely an “easy shot” like this has occurred in the past.

PA
Folks in hell want ice water. Come on.

- Another good line.

PA
Fry 'em and add them to the herd.

- Hey, who am I to question how one processes human meat but wouldn’t you add them to the herd for frying later? Seems the order is the wrong way around here.

PA
I suppose the wolves will get her when the fire dies.

- Cannibalism aside, Pa seems like one of those hardened, seen-it-all-before types so I don’t think “suppose” would be in his vocabulary. Pa makes definite statement or doesn’t talk at all

I like your writing, very lean and direct. The dialogue is realistic and flowed well. I enjoyed the laconic back and forth between Pa and Colt. There was a natural shorthand between them suited a father and son in such seemingly isolated environments like this…and with their “curious” pursuit.

The cannibalism angle was unexpected, came out of nowhere but that’s part of my problem with this. It seemed only in there for shock value, to give the script a twist or something unique but it doesn’t really make sense since we don’t know anything about the greater world. I mean, is this after some apocalyptic style disaster, has society broken down to the point where there is a free rein on human consumption…if you can get it.

There is some clue given in the part about the deer being contaminated but I think we need a little more. Plus, if “normal” types of meat have become inedible it make Colt’s move to shoot the deer even more unbelievable, something which I alluded to already. Now I get why it’s there, so you could drop that hint thus it’s contrived.
What’s to stop you developing this a little more? Not necessarily into a feature, although it would make a great opening sequence, an introduction into this ruthless (literally) man-eat-man world, but you could definitely expand it into a longer short.

Like I said, I enjoyed the dialogue between the two leads, the stark setting, almost harkening back to the Wild West and the minimalist tone in general. I just wish there was more meat on the bones (sorry, couldn’t help it) in terms of story and where you took it which wasn’t really anywhere in the end but you certainly have the seed of a good idea here. I appreciate you dropping the cannibalism revelation and that being essentially your punch line and the tie in to the title with the small consolation of Pa having a shred of humanity left in an demonstrably inhumane world but overall this feels unfinished, only started.

Col.

Richard,

Good story and script. I have to say that it makes me think of a Chuck Heston line, "Tell everybody... soylent green is people!"

Okay onto the story. Here are a few thoughts:
1. While he is doing the crossword puzzle, somewhere on the paper could be a headline about the cause of the "turning."

2. As for formatting, did you use one of the templates, such as Cole & Haag?

3. In answer to a previous question about the use of the term "head", yep, that is a term for cattle, i.e., the ranch has 230 head of cattle.

4. By "fry em" does that mean "brand"? I have heard the term "Burn 'em" used for branding.

5. Instead of "Leave her. She's too old to breed.", recommend "Leave her. She's too old to breed and too tough to eat."

Just a few thoughts. Hope they help.

Ian