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Tree by Simon Parker - Short, Fantasy - A man must cut down the last tree on earth to save his young family from a freezing winter. 11 pages - pdf, format
Hey, Simon. I enjoyed this, particularly the image of the bleeding tree. Very nice.
I wasn't terribly fond of Barry's dialogue at the start, though. "It's only going to get colder." etc. To me it feels a little forced, and there's nothing in there that isn't obvious later down the road. Personally, I'd just drop it.
Needs some work, but it's a nice idea. The tree actually bleeding is the seller here. A good director could bring out the best in this. You'd also need to do something about the dialogue.
I think the tree could do more than just provide heat, it should also provide food and perhaps cleaner oxygen.
Overall, I liked this. I think there was a bit too much exposition in the dialogue, expecially the early conversation with Rach, espescially this one,
BARRY It’s the last tree on earth. All the forests are gone. If I cut this down man will have finally destroyed this planet, there will be no going back.
I think this could actually be cut down to another page or 2 and would make it a quick read. I liked how simple of a story it was. One question was on my mind though, how do they know it's the last tree on earth?
It’s always exciting finding an original story especially one as focused and inspired as “Tree”. Right away we are cast into their desolate world and the desperate situation of Barry and his small family trying to survive. The stakes are high, well-established, and fittingly-explored. Everything feels as if it’s on its last threads. The details and developments concerning the tree and our character's choices keeps us on our feet and we feel that true sense of urgency as well as an interest to find out what will come of it all.
*Knowledge - Half-Star
The contrasted views and values of Barry and Rebecca create an insightful duality and balance of their characters and their mindsets as well as pose great questions about what means more and what will come out of such decisions when so much counts on them. A good sense of their setting and the mood is established, yet could be more effective with more precise and expressive images and sounds inherent to their world.
*Connection - Half-Star
We can clearly understand and sympathize with both Barry and Rachel’s desires and motivations. They are both trying to protect their family and something precious whether it be the very nature of the Earth or their newborn child who represents a possibility of the future. More integrated details of the world’s history and the characters would have let us fully connect to the story. Their situation never fully reaches us on a deeper or more thought-provoking level in which it may have been capable of.
*Creation - Half-Star
A great and original concept at just the right length. I’ve always liked the idea of a tree bleeding to represent something more and it has been used well here as the basis for this story. Many elements could be cleaner, tighter, and more precise. The dialogue fits the world, yet it remains predictable and exposition-heavy. A little more originality akin to its style would really let the script shine. Scenes are originated and structured well, but not handled with a strong-enough crafting sensibility.
*Perfection - Half-Star
The concept of the tree is used very well in being the centerpiece in which all the developments hinge upon as well as representing so much. There is potential here, yet the script and story ultimately fail to reach the extent of their strengths. A struggle continues throughout in trying to establish information and maintain the style, and only one of the two succeeds each time. There is a strong and specific style here that isn’t fully achieved, yet certainly has the means to be.
Summary: With more focus on tightening loose ends within the story and the script, and fully utilizing what clearly proves this to be an inspired story, “Tree” could become something far more memorable and effective as an original fantasy story.
FYI, Tom - In the past I've reviewed a few scripts written by Simon Parker. He rarely, if ever, responds to any critiques on SS. Obviously you can review whatever you choose, just letting you know it's likely to fall on deaf ears.
Just from reading the Logline it's kind of ironic.
The man cuts down the last tree on earth to save his family but in doing so, in time, he would have killed his family as humanity are unable to live without trees on this planet.
I really liked the image of a bleeding tree - compelling. But from a story perspective, that was pretty much the only thing that grabbed me. Maybe it's me, but as I read the story I kept thinking:
(a) if it was the last tree and the only thing preventing their death - why would they chop it down?? They would die as soon as they were done burning it. Why wouldn't they take a branch or some leaves as they searched for a different source of fuel. (b) We are supposed to imaging that the only thing that burns in this world is this tree - that's a bridge to far for me. (c) Is the rest of the planet dead because all the trees are gone? If not, can't these guys just burn what the rest of the folks are burning. (d) the dialogue was redundant - several reminders that they had to chop down this tree or die - I think that directly relates to the problem with the premise (really - we got to chop down this tree or die - better say that several times).
No problem with the general style or format.
So, for me - I am left with this really compelling image - a tree that bleeds when you cut it. That image is an absolute slam dunk winner. I just didn't buy the story that surrounded that image. There are other ways to go. For example: what would mankind's reaction be if all of a sudden it discovers that trees bleed? Open the same way - a simple farmer hacks at a tree - it bleeds - a scene where the rain forest is awash with blood - a chainsaw in Oregon causes a redwood to gush blood, etc, etc. A scientist starts to study the DNA of the blood and to his amazement or horror or relief (pick one) discovers that............
Simon did a fine job writing this piece. It is clear and concise (except for the CUT TO: right hand indent. I almost missed it since I read left to right and not right to left. Buwahah)
I agree with the alphabetical points that Eldave listed as to the accuracy of the common sense, but it's a good thing I'm here to summarize what this story is really about: liberal tree hugging. Chopping at the tree is the blood in the bleeding heart.
Trees have been here long before mankind and they'll be here long after.
Even to entertain the idea further, a single tree has the ability to be harvested for future winters even if you burn most of it now.
I did get a kick out of the wife swinging away with the axe as my wife wouldn't be caught dead doing it. She should have eaten the tree bark and burnt the husband. She could replace him easier than a tree, apparently. Haha.
The reality of the decision and the conflict worked. Good job.
Great tagline! It made me want to read this straight away. Taglines are the heart of the story, if your tagline is not interesting, if it doesn't make people want to read your script you've either got problems with your story or a bad tagline on your hands.
Ruggedly handsome has to be one of the most widely used descriptions for men in scripts so try to make your descriptions stand out a bit more. Saying that, I don't see floppy hair used that often lol.
Barry is talking to himself so he's either nuts or talking for the benefit of the audience. Be wary of that, it sounds false.
The tree is bleeding real blood, that's a nice touch.
The initial dialogue between Rach and Barry sounds again like it's more for the audience than real, interesting banter between two people.
You don't need to put beats in, the action should dictate the pace and pauses should be obvious.
A nice angle there with the moss but I'm left feeling like there's a lot missing from this script. Why is the tree the last one? Why is it bleeding? Where are the rest of the humans, have they been all but wiped out? I also didn't buy the angle that this tree was all there was to protect them from the cold, I think there should be something more to it than just firewood.
There's potential and scope to expand here so I'd encourage you to consider a re-write and flesh this out more.
-Mark
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