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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Confession Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 4th, 2014, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Confession by Adam Slutsky - Short, Drama - In desperate need of confession, a troubled young man asks a priest to come to him. 11 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 5th, 2014, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Adam - a few thoughts, just my opinion of course

1) Personal gripe but I'm not a fan of 'we go'. 'we see', I think they read too passive.
2) I like a lot of the action blocks, some good descriptions.
3) I think a couple of dialogue sections are a little too long and on the nose
e.g. You asked me to hear your confession. Do you simply want me to hear your words, or do you want me to understand your actions?
The last bit of this, 'or do you...' is implied and I don't think needs stating.
4) Liked the setup of stealing the cross and the reveal of the confessional - good job.
5) The end for me let it down a little, felt a little predictable with priest abuse and the revenge, wonder if there's a way of twisting this somehow?
6) The home made napalm(?), visually stunning but didn't really get how this was connected to the abuse... would it be stonger if it did somehow?

Anyway, think there's some good elements to this and enjoyed the read

Anthony

Read & comment on my latest
Bump in the Night - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1416179287/
Graft - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1416751412/


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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