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I think Cory needs to be more of a dick for this to work. At the moment I'm struggling to see any type of message here. Doesn't work for me as is. Well written though.
I think the logline doesn't do the script any favours. It's small and empty, not really doing too well to pull everyone in. "someone" is the main culprit imo. It's not enough for one of your main characters and just sounds strange. Coming into this blind I wouldn't except anything good from the logline.
You got my attention from page 1 with the "the men and women who work, drink, sleep, and work some more." description and was pulled in from "the yanks are ahead." dialogue.
I thought the character-work was the strongest aspect, the dialogue was interesting and both of the characters popped off the page. I felt like the dialogue was at its weakest on page 5 and the exchange from there up to the alley scene could use a polish. Maybe it started to drag a bit or an information overload, I don't know, I simply wasn't as engrossed in it anymore.
Nevertheless I was eagerly awaiting for the twist and it delivered.
I disagree with Dustin. It works if Cory's a character who's interesting and it's easy to relate to/care for him. I'd say that he is at the moment. The message could be: "Don't do stupid shit to impress your date"? . Don't think this one needs a "strong" message, it works well as an entertainment script.
I didn't focus on the technical stuff, but one action line stuck out like a sore thumb to me:
Quoted Text
Crossing the alleyway come Kyle and AMY, as pretty as Kyle described her, wearing a skirt.
If it was describing her attire in overall, like a fancy dress, I could see it. Right now the wearing a skirt part just looks odd, forced and unnecessary there.
Had a quick read, not much in the way of notes as I'm on a phone.
A worthy read.
Punchy finish but has the opportunity to be a little more.
I would agree that if you developed the theme a touch eg the unpredictable nature of life it could feel stronger. Best laid plans to wrong
Perhaps use the game as a metaphor . Eg cory tells him someone made a mistake which led to a team being I the lead. Also suggest that the girlfriend can also handle herself so he's trying to impress her - will explain the ending. Just thoughts
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I didn't relate to Kyle's character at all. Even less so when an innocent working man was killed because of his plan. For me, it made Kyle the antagonist, which, I'm sure wasn't the aim.
I didn't relate to Cory's character at all. Even less so when an innocent working man was killed because of his plan. For me, it made Cory the antagonist, which, I'm sure wasn't the aim.
Cory was the working man. You got the names mixed up and my comment was based on that. Yeah, I get your point if you meant the other guy.
I have to agree with Dustin on this, Cory needs to be more of a hateful character, I kinda felt sorry for him at the end.
Cory seems to be having a bad day anyway drinking alone at the bar then it gets worse by getting shot. I feel he should be more abusive towards Kyle, maybe play on the fact that Cory thought he was getting hit on by Kyle a bit more, or Tell Kyle to man up and stop being a pussy, something along those lines maybe?
Kyle and Cory are too close as names. One will be changed. Good call.
The theme of this might be that one shouldn't try to be something he isn't. Cory is one of those people who work, drink...and need money. Kyle is a man who doesn't believe he's macho enough to earn his woman. I admit, Cory seems to get the short end of the stick. He didn't bargain for death, but he did opt to become a criminal or seem a criminal.
In any case, this one needs a bit of rewrite in order to ramp up the differences and the motivations.
I disagree. He opted to help a guy out for monetary return. That's not a crime. The real dick in all of this is Kyle. He should be the one that suffers for the stupidity of instigating it all in the first place. He hasn't learned anything aside from... oops, poor Cory. Bye. Story is meaningless like that.
You make a point. Cory doesn't deserve to die, but that's the risk he takes. Amy isn't in on the deal. Or it could have been a passerby. Not everyone knows that the mugging is supposed to fail. Kyle fails also. He has become even more of a wimp.
Cory doesn't deserve to die, but that's the risk he takes. Amy isn't in on the
It is not the risk he takes as he wasn't aware death was a possibility. If Kyle had said... but there's a chance you might die, as you are pulling off a mugging... and he still decided to do it after that then that would be the risk he took... all good. He didn't even consider gettign arrested for it, which would have been a concern that he didn't bring up. Obviously they would need to do it in a quiet place.
I get the message you are trying to deliver, it is just hampered by the guy's death. Maybe a better twist would be to have the gf turn out to be a cop. She stops and arrests Cory, ready to take him to the station. Cory loses because he gets beat by a girl... Kyle loses because she's bound to find out the truth during the police interview. The winner here needs to be the girl, IMO.
Of course, Cory doesn't consider death. If he did he wouldn't do the deed. The audience doesn't consider it either which makes the reveal more powerful. If it's part of the contract there's little surprise.
But the possibility is set up--I think. Amy is the daughter of an avid hunter. She might well know guns through and through. The bar is a blue collar one in a blue collar neighborhood. Would one expect a modicum of crime? I would. Kyle did which is why he's there and not in some upscale place. If I make all this explicit, I lose part of the surprise. A hint ishould be enough
If you mean would I expect to see a modicum of crime as just an innocent bystander happening to walk by a blue collar bar, then no, I wouldn't. In my experience, criminals hide their crimes. It helps prevent them getting caught. They don't just mug someone in the middle of the street because a modicum of crime is to be expected.
Kyle is there because he believes he can find somebody in need of money badly enough to help him out. He's not looking for anyone to commit a crime.
The way that I see it... some rich dick walks into a bar, he's a dick because he needs to pay a guy to pretend to mug him just to impress a girl. Which is stupid. Only an idiot would do that. A smart man would take the idiot's money. Then the poor guy who's doing the favour ends up dead. The moral of your story... don't help rich dicks that walk into a bar or you could end up dead. You believe it's powerful, I believe it is weak.
The story wasn't made up from whole cloth. Guys do arrange fights in order to impress a woman. Usually it's some bud who accosts the girl so her date can be a hero. I just raises the stakes. Men do incredible things to gain a woman.
Yeah, the rich dick is trolling for someone who will fill the bill. He has to find someone his girl won't recognize in a place where a mugging is believable. He does. It doesn't work out as people think it will, and that's a surprise, a good thing. If Cory had simply taken the money he woul no longer ba a sympathetic character. He'd be a thief. Is there a moral? I don't know. Cory is not doing a favor because he's getting paid. He simply got a whole lot more than he anticipated. So did Kyle. He just saw his gf kill a man without much thought or empathy moral? Got me.