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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Alpha City Moderators: bert
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  Author    Alpha City  (currently 1669 views)
Don
Posted: December 14th, 2014, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Alpha City by David Witka - Sci Fi, Fantasy - When a young boy discovers that he isnít human he and his friends embark on a journey to discover his true past. 95 pages - pdf, format


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Dustin
Posted: December 15th, 2014, 2:49am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Your copyright is 2012. I'd change that to a more up-to-date copyright. It looks better. Like you've just written it, rather than a two-year-old script nobody has been interested in making yet.

Code

EXT.
YEAR 2092
DESERT LAKE, ALPHA CITY - DAY
At the bottom of a mountain, a waterfall runs into a
shallow lake thatís littered with boulders. Two 11 year old
girls, ALANA a blonde girl, and ALEXIS a black girl, play a
game of tag jumping from boulder to boulder. Off in the
distance a skyline of tall buildings can be seen.



For some reason your slugs are not formatted correctly. Could be the way my software is interpreting your file, but I doubt it. I am a LINUX user so I can't rule it out entirely.

Is the blonde girl also black? Or didn't you want to write the word white? Or did you assume that all blondes would be white? If you're going to mention colour, then it works for everyone... even white people. I also think that the above would be best served in three action blocks. The first to describe the setting. The next to describe the two girls playing and the final one when the camera moves to the distant skyline.

It's also weird how you move the camera to the skyline then move right into the conversation between the two girls. Personally, I'd describe the mountain being in contrast to the city skyline, then move onto the girls and their conversation. ATM, it's all out of synch'.

Show up, participate and you may get more reads... good luck.


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DavidW
Posted: December 21st, 2014, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


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Hi you're right about the copyright, I will change that. I think the sluglines are okay it must be your program because what you posted there is not how it looks on the pdf. Yes, Alana is white, i didn't mention it because most 11 yr old girls don't dye their hair at that age, so she is a natural blonde. The camera angles I don't worry about, I just write the story. I've read in countless books that the director likes to worry about that stuff. Please let me know if you have any more concerns and thanks for your input thus far.
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Dustin
Posted: December 22nd, 2014, 8:35am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

CAPTION: YEAR 2092

EXT. DESERT LAKE, ALPHA CITY - DAY

   At the bottom of a mountain, a waterfall runs into a
   shallow lake thatís littered with boulders. Two 11 year old
   girls, ALANA a blonde girl, and ALEXIS a black girl, play a
   game of tag jumping from boulder to boulder. Off in the
   distance a skyline of tall buildings can be seen.



It must be my software as it now looks like the above. I suppose there isn't really an indent to the action. What software are you writing with? I get this with certain scripts. Seems like a compatibility issue.

I'm not sure why you're talking about camera angles as I made no mention of using them. Black people can also have naturally blonde hair. I read somewhere that 10% of the world's natural blondes are black.

No need to thank me. Participate instead.


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