Death Camp by Sean Cowen - Short, Comedy - Death Camp - Where We're Deadly Serious About Laughing. Where do some people (especially soldiers) go when they die? The answer might surprise you. Or not, if you guessed that they go to a death camp. 11 pages - pdf, format

Code FADE IN: EXT. UNKNOWN LOCATION IN AFGHANISTAN, WITH A SCENIC VIEW OF SAND - MORNING

Too much information in the slug and it doesn't actually say anything. I still have no idea where we're meant to be. I'm assuming from scenic view that the scene is set in the desert. So what you should write is:

EXT. DESERT - DAY

SUPER: AFGHANISTAN

Code We HEAR the sound of whirling helicopters off in the distance.

Why have you placed 'hear' in uppercase? It isn't necessary to cap sound effects any more and even if you want to they should still be actual sound effects. You also don't need to write what we hear. Simply write what is, like so:

The sound of whirling helicopters off screen.

Code Five soldiers are SURROUNDING a fallen comrade, Private JOHN MCMILLAN.

Again, there isn't any need to place surrounding in uppercase. The sentence also isn't as active as it could be:

Five soldiers surround a fallen comrade,
Private JOHN MCMILLAN (age).

Code CLOSE on John's arms. They're not there.

You're doing the camera directions wrong because it isn't your job to do them. A DP makes a shot list that will take care of all of that. Luckily us writers really only need to understand one job. Writing. Concentrate on that.

Code FADE OUT SLOWLY TO DARKNESS, FOCUSING on John's face, which is filled with agony as his eyes look to the sky.

What else would he look to the sky with? Somebody else's eyes perhaps?

Code FADE IN: INT. A BUS TERMINAL WAITING ROOM, POSSIBLY FROM THE 1930'S - FILLED WITH SHADOWS.

Possibly? Again too, way too much description in the slug that yet again is designed to make us guess. This is a screenplay, a visual medium. Write in images.

INT. BUS TERMINAL - NIGHT

Sean,

All comments have not been cleared, so handle with care.

Heaven as a way station to a laugh camp is a good idea.  Works for me.  But why a dated bus station?  If I am to assume this station is for soldiers why not some military depot?  If it's all purpose then ok.  

Priscilla is fine but I didn get the notebook.  What was he supposed to do with that?  

You give a lot of direction about lighting and feel and other details.  I didn't mind but a director might.  

Anyway thanks for the read.

Best

Richard