Crimes Like These by Brian Wind (bwind22) - Thriller, Crime-Thriller - Violence erupts when the path of a guilt-ridden parolee intersects with the dangerous residents at his halfway house. With his life on the line, he finds an unlikely chance at redemption in the good-hearted daughter of a prostitute. - pdf, format

Hi Brian. Gave the first 25 a read.

A few notes as I read.

Liked the opening scene. It's brutal and might put some people off but it left a lot questions I wanted to know the answers to.

Page 2  - two iron door creak.  Should be doors.

Page 3 -
                                                            KUBIAK
                                           Cut that "sir" shit. You ain't in
                                      prison anymore. Name's Jack Kubiak
                                              but you can call me Jack.

If thats the case just call him Jack. If people are going to be calling him it the whole story then so should you.

Page 6 - Frankie Fold'em should be capped.

Page 7 - Ziggy begins to close the door on them. Body stops it with his foot.  Body stops it?

Ziggy hands a stack of cash to Frankie Fold'em.  You've established he's in boxer shorts and a t shirt. Where did he get the cash from? His prison wallet?

Page 9 - He picks holds the iron on it's side.  picks holds?

The scenes with Frankie Fold'em and Wade seemed a little generic. I understand that there's been so many movies with characters like these that it's hard to come up with something unique. But I think if you could add something to make them a little different from the rest it would benefit the story.

The scene with Clayton and David went a bit far for me. I didn't think you needed to show him cutting off his finger but I think that's just down to personal taste.

Overall I liked the setup and I'm interested in what's going to happen next. I'll try and get back to it when I get chance.

Thanks for giving it a look.  I appreciate the feedback.