Hearing Aid by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - When an old man buys a hearing aid, he gets more than he bargained for. 15 pages - pdf, format

Since no one has posted anything yet I'll be the first.

In all honesty I didn't like how you told the story.

I like the idea but nothing really happened.

He started to hear things but it felt like you breezed right past it. The only time something funny or interesting happens is when Morris goes to his friends house....but you cut the whole scene out, I guess that would normally work but if the story was longer. Basically what I'm saying is I wish it was longer.

I could be completely wrong this is only my opinion.

As for formatting and all that stuff.....I'm no pro at that so hopefully someone else will check this out and respond to your formatting.

-B

B

Thanks for the feedback, and I agree, this one might be better in a longer form.

Here is my philosophy on shorts.  I don't think there is much of a market for shorts.  They don't get shown in the theaters I visit.  So, why write them?  I think a short is a calling card.  If it gets noticed you might get a call for something bigger.  Since there's little money for shorts, I try to limit the costs.  I strive for a limited number of locations and roles.  In this piece, I believe there are two locations and five roles.  Pretty simple.  If this were a tv episode, I would have another ten minutes to fill. I would add the scene you suggest as well one or two others that I would try to make humorous.  

Obviously, my shorts have not yet brought me any fame or fortune, but I still strive for a good story within my constraints.  Hope this makes sense.

Best
Richard

Richard,

First of all, I enjoyed this most of the way through. It's always refreshing to read something with old people as the main characters. Obviously you made the characters old in order to incorporate the use of a hearing aid, but I think the shock of hearing what these pensioners think about, be it sexual, vulgar, whatever... gave it another comedic kick that would have been missing had it just been a young couple.

The back and forth between Morris and his wife was very readable, as was most of the dialogue, which is a plus in a script centred around people talking. The cut to the return from the party was the only actual narrative 'move' you made, if I remember correctly.

Which brings me onto my only criticism. I think you could have got a few more 'moves' in. At the end, when Morris answers the door to the agents and starts talking, I started to zone out. A straight forward dialogue scene, where the main character and his possible antagonists stand and have a chat, as the resolution. I just think the script could do with something more happening here.

That said, I realise you were within some constraints in regards to the main character being a seventy year old man. It's just my personal opinion.

Greg

This was pretty funny in an oddball kind of way. I had an old mother-in-law who talked about her hearing aid the same way.

The premise is inventive. I'm not sure I get whose voices Morris was hearing, but it was funny nonetheless.

This does need some sprucing up, cutting, more specific descriptions, attention to format details. Have you gone back through it more than once? When Morris tells one of the agents at the door to get lost or he'll hand him his head, you follow up with "he was loath to open the door." Going back over the script would catch that one.

Anyhow, props.

This gave a me a good chuckle. It was a fun read for sure. Getting inside the head of his wife was a good joke. I'd encourage you to take that a step further though. The shock value is fun, but I'm certain there's some comedic irony or word play that can be pulled out of it too. Kind of a "what she said" vs. "what he heard".

Solid main character too. I could see him and hear him without having to read it twice. Well done.

Shorts may not make big bucks, but I have always enjoyed writing them because it lets me experiement with scenes without the fear of ruining a later plot point. This would be a great one to play with. Maybe write that other scene just for fun!

Code doodad

I had to google... at first I thought you'd mistaken doodah, but I now see that Doodad is the N American version of doodah. Interesting. Thanks.

Code And I can get popped there.

What does that mean?


I like this idea and the story is good... it just needs more. The ending was too hunky dory and lacks irony of any kind. The middle needs beefing up too. Maybe actually allow us to go with them to meet their friends. With this kind of power, I feel something major needs to happen.

You've got an excellent chance here to investigate the differences to what people say and what they really mean. I feel that, so far, you're only scratching the surface and that actually does a disservice to the concept.