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Drive-Thru the Day by Nat Miles - Short, Drama - As a robbery takes place in a fast food restaurant, a drive-thru worker finds herself locked inside a washroom with only her headset. Luckily, there's someone on the other end. 10 pages - pdf, format
Hi Nat, loved the lognline on this so gave it a read, a few thoughts... just my opinion of course.
1) Check for spelling and typos, e.g. 'nauceated' should be 'nauseated' 2) When moving between locations you need to have this specifically referenced in the Slugline. E.g. she moves into the locker room but it uses the same Slug when it's a different location. 3) Related to above... you have the two robbers seen in the background of where Rebeccah is, I think this is impossible from that location unless there's a window in the locker room. 4) If she's in a washroom can she hear the robbers through multiple doors/walls? Maybe she can crack the door open and peer out? 5) Wouldn't he just use a mobile to call the Police? I think these days you need to explain why he would't use one. 6) I'm confused by the end, did the female robber give her a wad of cash and then the male one take it back and shoot her, I'm a little lost with this sequence. Given her condition this feels overly dark to me. 7) Given the twist, would the Police actually be on the way?
I did like this one, and whilst I saw the twist coming I did think it was both a device, clever and well delivered, I just think the script needs a little tightening/polishing.
The usual caveats apply. Use or discard at your liesure.
I like this idea. I'm not sure about some elements. I think the work would be more suspenseful if the protagonist didn't overhear the converstation. She hears shouts and perhaps a gunshot, and that's enough until she peeks out. The audience will get the picture.
Getting on the radio with Daniel is exactly right. He would be at the drivethru in order to keep anyone from stumbling upon the robbery. But I don't think he would call the police, or get out of the vehicle. Although he would tell her he'll do it. Good job.
I'm not sure about the reveal of the pregnancy to Daniel. Being scared and about to throw up would work for me...the have guns.
Daniel is pretty chatty, which is OK if he's lying, but he appears to be telling the truth, and that would be a no-no since Rebeccah will tell the police. I'm assuming someone else in the drivethru line saw the robbers get into Dan's car.
Shooting Rebeccah to scotch the pregnancy is a bit harsh, but I like it. Good job. Although the robber can't be sure he didn't just commit murder--twice. But I still like it.
The twist works for me. It makes sense, especially if Dan is lying. He was never in the Army, isn't maimed, and has no idea where his mother is. Which would make the ending even more of surprise.