Tipping Point by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - A teen miscreant discovers he can push the envelope too far. 8 pages - pdf, format

Your FADE IN looks a little indented from the right margin. And, a lot of people will say it should be left justified...

Just a few technical things:

INT CLASS ROOM - DAY - Do you have an aversion to placing periods i.e., INT.?

Also, some of your words are running on with no spaces - example:

ThismotivatesAaronwhoslowlyrises,

This (above) happens a few times.

No need to 'tell' - for example:

CAROL, Aaron's mother -
STAN, husband and father,
They hug and peck, husband and wife.

The relationships will 'show'.

Other 'tells' - for example:
'He's cold.' - Show us him shivering, or pulling his collar up against the cold. A few tells and asides I'm not averse to but just be aware when you're doing it - if it affects the pace and disrupts the flow then think again.

Also you have a few cases of 'and' where a comma will suffice. 'And' slows the action/description line.
Example:
She looks up, and her eyes are red from crying.
'She looks up, eyes red from crying.'

Also instead of telling us Aaron is:
a bit old for this 8th grade
class,
maybe say, 'he towers over the other kids' - get creative with it as to how he looks compared to the other students.

SPOILERS BELOW:

On to story:
Well this story sure does take an interesting turn doesn't it? It was definitely unexpected - takes 'tough love' to another level.

I really like how it veered into such dark territory and because it did I was hoping for a big bang of an ending, something unexpected. The finale was a bit of a let down - bit predictable.

It ends imh with Aaron as a victim - I know it appears to be open ended but it's unlikely a fifteen year old boy will be able to defend himself against two seasoned street thugs, who are HUGE to boot, so I'm left thinking right, that's that.

I wouldn't write 'this can't end well' either - that reads like author intervention and takes the reader (least, this one) out of the story and back to reality - the interpretation of the denouement should be up to the reader.

I would have liked to have seen Aaron do something unexpected at the end - even if you FADE OUT at this end point with the guys threatening but then FADE IN again - show Aaron walking along the street. I think that might have more impact - we're left wondering what the hell happened... whereas with the current ending we're left thinking we pretty much know what happened.

Poor misunderstood Aaron. Did these parents not understand what might happen when their kid hits the teen years? I do get it is implied this is a last straw scenario - teacher definitely appears to be scared of him - but maybe alluding to some other crime other than listening to hardcore rock and painting his bedroom walls black.

Mind you with parents who pretend on one hand they're taking you on a nice day out/father-son bonding and then  you're unceremoniously dumped in the middle of the city because it's all a bit too hard, well I think he's lucky to be rid of them.

If the kid was torturing small animals and accosting younger kids then some counselling may be in order   but there's no hint of that - unless I missed it?

I'd have preferred a different ending. You build the story nicely cleverly but then it falls a little flat.

Overall though, I like it. It's inventive.

Is this RichardR?  Lord, I hope so.  I hate reading scripts from writers you don't participate on the boards.

No doubt about it.  There are moments when it is appropriate to apologize, to accommodate, to compromise, and to negotiate.  But there comes a time to draw a line in the dirt and say, "Enough is enough!"

I got it.  So basically, the straw that broke the camel's back.   Okay, maybe he's just a rebellious teen, or maybe he's a teen... with some deeper psychological issues.  I'm no psychologist, maybe they're one in the same.  I'd like to lean towards the latter.

So how did we get here?  To the "Tipping Point."

Regardless, I guess one could feel sorry for Aaron, but I didn't -- nor did I have any sympathy for his parents. Most will for sure.   But here's why, yeah, I know this is a short, and there's only so much you can fit into eight pages, so fair enough, but... this would have had more of an impact with me -- if I had got a bit more backstory.  That's just me.

Anyway, you do have some minor formatting issues, which have been pointed out. So I'll leave things here. But good on you for handling a tough subject, one for a lot of families.

Good Luck...

Ghost

EDIT: Okay, I went back and did some checking.  It is you.  Good.  I'm still batting .1000.  Maybe I'll go try my hand at the lottery now.

Thanks for the feedback.

The work needs a bit more background.  You make good points about adding a reference to a psychologist or counselor or some other intevention that the parents have tried.  

And the ending was left open because I didn't really want to show Aaron getting the crap beat out of him or beign stripped and robbed.  But I'll rethink that.

Again, thanks.

Best
Richard

Hi Richard

Returning the read.

I haven't read the other comments. here goes...

Just as a matter of interest what font is this? is it a screenwriting software?

should have a full stop after INT
well knit - whats that mean?
second dialogue para seems strange - no gaps between the words
several times the words seem off, too bunched etc

ok, so the parents ditch their son in the city and leave him. The end. And he's likely to get mugged.

I suppose it's a provocative finish but it feels underwhelming as though it wasn't concluded, good or bad.

Yeah, he's an annoying kid, but actually what the parents have done is both illegal in many countries, and simply unlikely. It takes a lot to buy into it and at the moment there isn't enough back story, or reason to accept it.

Almost better that he says he wants to leave home and they find him one, just in a mens refuge. That way they haven't broken the law and still dished it out.

Having now looked at the comments above i would buy into this more if he was violent towards his mother for example, but as it is they sit down to a meal of spaghetti.

all the best