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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Sinister Shadow Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Sinister Shadow  (currently 1212 views)
Don
Posted: January 15th, 2015, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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The Sinister Shadow by John Cowdell - Short, Horror - Young couple, Tobe and Heather Nelson move into a new house in the quiet suburbs. Shortly after discovering a mysterious journal in the attic, Heather finds herself being terrorized by an ancient evil. With her husband reluctant to believe that there is a supernatural presence in the house, a stranger called Vincent arrives, with the promise of saving Heather from her nightmare once and for all. - pdf, format


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Don  -  March 14th, 2015, 2:59pm
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RichardR
Posted: January 16th, 2015, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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John,

the standard disclaimers apply.  Evaluate all comments with a jaundiced eye.

Let's start at the beginning.  That the woman is a nurse makes no difference in the story.  Why bother?  What matters is the morning she dies.  The rest is fluff that merely takes up screen time.  In fact, the less we know about her the better.

They buy the house, but the scene is too long.  Take out all the market stuff because you're going to say it again later.  It's their house.  They got a deal.  Enough.

The next scene inside the house does what?  If you drop it, will it make a difference?

A bat in the belfry.  OK, but the dusty diary?  Too easy in my estimation.  Why not make her dig for it?

The chat about the diary seems overdone.  Why isn't he sound asleep when she's reading...the voice over would work much better and show her isolation.

We talk about how the house is a steal again.  Why?  We know that. Also 'your' is not 'you're'  Can we skip the scene?  The audience already knows she's hearing voices.

And now the brother spills the beans.  Take a look at your scenes.  The general rule is to start late and leave early.  By that, I mean skip him arriving, the chat about tea etc.  Get to the meat of the scene.  They're sipping, chatting, and now he says 'murder'.  Then, get out of the scene.  

They have a fight, and you might look for a novel way to stage it.  Then, the TV stuff.  Would it be more frightening if nothing happened to the TV?  It's a tell as they say in poker.  He's snoring.  She goes for tea.  An attack.  

The alarm system scene doesn't do much.  You can simply have Tobe instruct Heather on how it works and put in all the relevant information.  If you make Tobe a big pissed because he had to shell out big bucks for a system he doesn't think is necessary because no windows or doors were breached or anything taken, then you put in more conflict, a good thing.

Tobe's job is threatened.  Heather won't tell him she's preggo.  Very good,  Ramp up the stakes.

Enter Vincent.  Make the introduction shorter.  He knocks.  She answers.  "Did you find my diary?"  and cut to the next scene.

This is an information dump.  Can you shorten it?  What's important?  Vincent unleashed the shadow demon to save his wife.  It kills.  It needs an unborn baby.  Only Vincent can get rid of it.  The other stuff is overkill.  Keep it simple.

The vanquishing sequence works.  Can you cut some of the dialogue?  Tobe doesn't need to ask about the wind of the light.  Vincent chants, the portal opens.  There is a struggle and Heather saves the day with the mirror.  Good job.  Once the portal closes, get out of the scene.  Jump to Vincent looking back.  Then 3 months later.  It works.

In general, I would recommend you look in two areas for editing.  One, scene design.  Get into the scene later and leave the scene earlier.  Decide what's important and start there.  Look for some unique details for your shadow demon.  Fuzzy tv, circle of candles, you use time worn details.  Strive for visuals the audience may not have seen before.  

Best
Richard
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